Gag is right Limbo! I talked to my DB coach this morning and have not had a chance to process all the stuff he told me yet, but I posted some advice on my thread that he gave me about how to handle the stupid statements our MLCers make, specifically how to handle it when they talk about their OP. I was going to copy and paste it here for you, but it's pretty long. Okay, one of my 180s is to stop being so indecisive LOL! Here is it, I hope it helps you!
Chuck said that a MLCer will test his or her spouse, and knows just how to push their buttons over and over. He said to think back on previous R talks and other conversations, especially if the MLCer suddenly does or says something mean right after a positive interaction. We should note exactly what the MLCer said to push our buttons, and prepare to do something different than how the MLCer expects us to react after his nasty remark.
He said that the MLCer has decided exactly how things will go in his or her mind due to the rewriting of the marital history and previous Our-R talks. Having a positive interaction makes the MLCer feel vulnerable because it has stirred up positive feelings he did not expect to ever feel again.
Chuck asked me to give him some examples of times my H pushed my buttons, and I gave two -- the other day when H gave me a hug goodnight, and I hugged him back. H immediately said "good night sis." Chuck asked how I would have normally responded to something like this, and I said I would have been a bit petulant, and said something like "I'm your wife not your sister, H." Chuck said to be a little ray of sunshine instead, and be calm, kind, respectful and confident, and just say goodnight dear.
The other example was my H saying he's going to Moscow or telling me other good things about the Russian Tramp, such as she is better for him and she is truly is in love with him. Chuck said even though statements like these HURT, continue to be kind, respectful, calm and confident, my H EXPECTS a negative reaction.
Chuck said that the Tramp (or any other OP) is just a fantasy. If we say something negative about the MLCer's fantasy, he must defend the fantasy. So NEVER say anything negative, and even say something positive. I asked him for an example, and he suggested:
"I'm not happy you are in this relationship, but I can understand why you feel that way if she treats you so well." Or "Who can blame you? I don't like it, but who can blame you if you found someone who treats you like a prince?"
After a statement like this, since the MLCer has not been forced to defend his OP, he will be able to see her more clearly. Since the OP is generally a flawed crazy person herself, the OP is usually NOT treating the MLCer like a prince. So the MLCer will mentally compare how the OP treats him with what he deserves (prince-like treatment).
You know that the JW is not treating your H well, she is expecting him to pay for everything and won't leave her own H for him. Chuck's advice should help you too! The IF is important in the statement. We should not stress IF, but it is important because that is what will make him think.
