Thank you SD for asking. I didn't want to go into it on that last post since it's pretty long. So here goes.
H has a lot of energy (even as a child) so he needs to do high energy exercising like spinning, running, etc. I get that. I would totally understand if he needs to do this every day. The problem I have is that he teaches classes 4 times a week and it interferes with family time and the kids schedule.
Also, it's a pain when he has to find someone to sub his class. He gets gas money out of it so it's not much of a paycheck. I bring in more tutoring than he does. He is ok about finding a sub as long as I let him know 2-3 days in advance. That can't always happen when we have a 2yo and a 5yo.
We never have family dinner since he teaches at 7pm and has to leave at 6. It leaves no room for help getting the kids to bed on time. Since I was tutoring a lot these past few weeks he would take the kids to the gym and they would be in bed late and you can imagine how it dominoes to the next day. Screws up my schedule and the kids.
I always had a problem with his commitment to the classes before we had kids and after the kids came I thought it would change. It changed where his classes are closer to the house but he's still gone from 6pm to 8:30pm.
ALSO and this is a big one, most of the people in his classes are women and I NEVER felt comfortable with how he interacted with them. Borderline flirting. I stopped going to the gym with him when we were dating for this reason. He swears that he isn't flirting but I notice his "friendliness" is taken as flirting by other women and they come on to him. He plays it off as if he had no idea.
ALSO, when he started seeing OW, this was his easy way of seeing her. Inviting her to his classes and they would do cardio together before the class. I believe him when he says she no longer goes to that gym. She only went because of him. But it stirs up a lot of feeling when he goes.
So, yes I it is a dealbreaker.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
2C, thanks for checking in on my thread. I appreciate that.....
Sounds like you have had (and have) a lot going on. Sounds like some great progress. Even though now where you would like it to be - keep in my what you have been through and how much you have improved.
Stay strong!
Me-48,W-51 M-22,T-24 S- 18,16,9 Feb-Jul '11 Away from Home, after initial B date Aug-Dec '11 Back at Home on couch Dec '11-now Same bedroom, room mates only Dec '14 W files initial D paperwork
So, I'm hearing you list several things you *do* want...
You want to have family dinner time together (if not every night, then X nights per week).
You want family time together in the evenings (but your tutoring also interferes with that?) Sounds like you think your tutoring is higher priority but he may not be on the same page with that.
You want the kids to be in bed at a regular hour so they're functioning better the next day.
Can you see that (even aside from the issue of female attention) that H may be getting some satisfaction from teaching that he may not be getting elsewhere? Can you find a way to get your needs met while also finding a way to get his met? Would it work if he only taught 2 nights a week? Or if he found some other way to get that satisfaction that still took some time away from the family?
I'm not sure how to address the flirting aspect, exactly. I assume that you want to feel confident that that sort of attention is only directed at you. His denial/cluelessness doesn't put him in a good position to be able to address your concerns. It's worth taking some time to sort out your thoughts on this. One thing I wonder, if he's so clueless about it all, then how can he assure you that he's not going to go down the same path again? What is he changing in order to assure a different outcome when women come on to him?
Your thinking has evolved amazingly in the time you've been here. Keep chugging along and things will keep sorting themselves out.
SemperFi00 and SD thank you for following. SD your feedback is very insightful (read on).
Journal Today I came across his email on our iPad. I thought I was looking at my email and realized it was his. Without even thinking, it happened so fast, I clicked "sent mail" and came across an email with no content sent to OW with the subject "thinking of you."
All those awful feelings came back. I was shaking, hurt, angry but this time I was more hurt. I wasn't in a rage like before. This experience was different yet the same. I showered and tried my best to calm down my nerves. I called an al anon friend.
But then he text to see how we were doing. I called and told him what I saw and asked if he could please give me space today. "please don't come over today (ie don't spend the night here)" He was explaining what the email was about. Something about how her brother called (I feel stupid writing this) him and asked if he could check up on OW because she was very down.
Just writing this it sounds so made up. Even if it was true, how would I know??
I said I didn't want to talk today since I didn't want to say anything irrational or based on my emotions. (New me) He insisted, "like what?" then the old me came out. The one that says almost exactly what's on her mind. You know which one I'm talking about right?
Here's what I said, I have a list (told him the list) of what I want from you if you want to reconcile. I've been told by al anoners that I should only bring up my requests 3 times. After that I should accept whatever you choose to do. From there I will decide if I put up with it or walk away. Since it's been 3 times I've mentioned my list (once with MC second a few weeks after that session) this will be the last time you hear my requests.
Also, I would like for them to be done soon. I don't have the patience anymore to wait. I've waited 6 mos since I brought it up to you the first time. (I think I've waited long enough).
Then he talks about how he doesn't want to resent me later. My response, I agree with you so if you don't want to follow through I completely understand. I don't expect you to do what's on the list. I want you to know that I will continue to have a coparenting relationship with you and I will not limit how often you see the kids.
Between the conversation he was saying how he doesn't want to be away from us and wants to try but then when he heard my list he got defensive.
My response, obviously you continue to think that you can cross my boundaries. I won't be as naive about it as last time. I want you to respect my boundaries.
I grew some b@lls today.
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
His story was bs imo. Why wd her brother call a guy up asking him to check on her bc she seems down, sounds implausible to me. And less plausible that he would accommodate the request with nothing but "thinking of you", not a question no response prompted. Makes no sense. Sorry but your intuition sounds right.
I like the way you stated your position, if anything cd help your sitch its that kind of grace and dignity.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Fully agree adinva, he was playing quick bs to cover his mistake.
ME:51 W:46 M:25 S:22, S:20 Divorced 16/9/15 BD 10/12 W left 12/12 with OW, affair confirmed Nov/12. Dark since 6/13 I"m in a new relationship since Feb 14.
Thanks Adinva and HWA for stopping by. I've become hypersensitive to potential BS.
I came to a conclusion that if I don't believe him I'll ask him to prove it. I can not rely on his word. Especially after this. So...I asked him to call OWs brother, put him on speaker and have the brother back up his story. The truth is I don't think I'll believe him but this action alone is a big step of humility on his part. He hasn't been willing to "prove" anything and this is the first time I set this boundary.
Apparently OWs brother goes to sleep early and doesn't pick up his cell late. I'm seriously not letting this go. If I have to ask him two more times, then I need to let it and decide, am I willing to do nothing and continue on with this sitch or change it?
I have a bad headache, but then what's a good headache??
M 42 H 39 T10 (-2yrs separation) S8 D5 DD 7/30/11 (EA&PA) Reconciled 6/2013 Separation in works 1/2017
Given enough time he'll get a hold of OWs brother and call in a favor. Question is: if the email to ow was exactly what you observed, and if he has lied to attempt to cover it up, what will you do with that information?
Getting him to admit or prove he's not lying is extra effort, to what end? Suppose he's telling the truth, does that make it all ok?
Where do you go from here?
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Hi 2chiquitos...I am new here but I thought I would offer some support.. I hear you when you are talking about your H and him being gone 4 evenings out of the week from 6pm onward... it is so hard with children, and that is the busiest time in the house, with dinner, bedtimes, homework, etc. Your children are at a very busy age, where you need help! I have 3 young children myself, twin 6 year olds and a 4 year old, so I know exactly how much the extra support is needed around the house. My H is an "almost WAS", he is thinking of separating. And right now all he is wanting to do in the evenings is work away in the basement, of course while I am tending to the children!! And of course, you look like the bad guy if you try to ask them to help out, they will bring it up later that they never got to do what they wanted!
Hopefully you can come up with some sort of compromise with him, where he helps more in another area, ie/helps before he leaves to go out, or works a day less per week, or takes the kids to an outing on the weekends, or something like that.
As for the email with the subject "Thinking of you", I would be wary of that as well, as it seems fishy, as well as the whole story about the brother. You are not going crazy, that story does not seem believable, and hopefully he has agreed to NC with her!!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Be kind, be clear, be firm. No anger needed. Just a clear expression of your requests (spell out a path forward for him that will really work for you - ask for 100% of what you want, not just some appeasements) and a willingness to be done. That will speak very loudly.
And, meanwhile, take good care of you. Give your feelings the attention they deserve. Give yourself lots of good hugs.
