I'm actually going to start counseling soon -- I have to have an appointment with my primary care first, and that's in the next few days. I've been hesitant to go because I was afraid I'd get him in trouble somehow -- I'd heard that getting marked out by a military doctor as depressed or whatever was a great way to mess up your H's career, particularly when they're trying to get promoted. But, you know, I'm desperate, so this is one of my 180s. Maybe if my mental/emotional house is in order, the rest of my life will follow.
He's not in counseling AFAIK. He probably should be. We just had another conversation, and I'm pretty sure he was drunk. I had said I was going to call him to let him know what the lawyer said about serving him. We talked a little about the D and I asked him how his hospital stuff was going, and it was like pulling teeth -- short answers all the way, with me asking questions and him answering. Not really a conversation at all, but it was still nice to hear his voice. Near the end, he volunteered some stories about his day without me pushing for them, and it was like a really brief glimmer of his old, funny, talkative self. Then it was over, he thanked me for calling, and we got off the phone. So that's that. I don't know if I should keep calling every few days or what. Thoughts?
Re: Filing Filing doesn't mean finalized. I put off filing for several months (you'll see that my BD was back in Dec) until he finally said he was going to do it himself ASAP. At that point, I spoke with a lawyer who basically said it was to my benefit to file first. When I say "I don't know that NOT divorcing is an option" I don't mean I feel that way on my end. More, I mean that he's been saying he wants one for months now, and he hasn't said anything to me directly about wanting to try again. In fact, the few times he did say something about wanting to try (back in Jan) he immediately recanted and said he didn't see us working, etc etc. So I don't know how much wiggle room there is in his mind, you know?
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
“You cannot save people. You can only love them.” ― Anaďs Nin
It's giving me a lot to think about because I think one of my mistakes in my marriage was thinking that if I tried hard enough I could stop H's PTSD from getting worse. Right now, in this moment, I'm really struggling with the difference between "saving" and "loving." Old me would have been suffocating to H with her focus on making him well. It'd be smothering, and unhealthy for us both, but it'd be a familiar set of roles. I don't know what new me will do, and it's kind of scary to not have a script.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
Saw my primary care today, and she got me a referral to see a shrink. I keep expecting to hear judgement, but so far at least, everyone has been really kind.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
I've been thinking about it and I think I'm gonna go with a modified no contact, where I call every couple of days to check in, but instead of rushing in with the cavalry I practice the validating scripts in DR and DB. I think also I will continue to focus on GAL.
Unless y'all think a full no contact is better?
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
Do what works. So try the modified no contact or whatever gives you and him the space you need, the ability to heal and rebuild yourselves, feel good about the way you're going about things, and not get in the way of a potential reconciliation. Your idea sounds reasonable, and if you find it pushing him away more often than not, then readjust.
Exactly what are the benefits of you filing first? Exactly what are the benefits of controlling the timeline? I'm not clear on what those advantages are.
I didn't file because it's not my divorce. I don't think being patient has hurt me in any material way, and it was what I wanted to do.
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
Basically, TX lets you have a divorce no matter what if that is what one of the partners wants. Basically what JAG was saying is that after I got served, he'd be able to push things forward really quickly, particularly since we don't have kids, and at the time he was saying he wanted a divorce, he was also planning on deploying in the next few weeks. Because of that JAG was saying he'd be able to accelerate it.
It's entirely possible that I misunderstood them -- I was really panicked when I spoke with them.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
In the interests of emotional honesty, which is something I struggle with:
Part of the reason I cracked then is because he said he didn't want to see me before he deployed. Last deployment, he was injured badly in combat, and the deployment before that he nearly died and was hospitalized for several months. That he would not want to see me again before going to a place where he could die hurt me to my core. I felt like he had already moved on, that he didn't care if he hurt me, and that I needed to defend myself from a process that seemed inevitable regardless of what I said or did. So I filed myself.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
Last night, I called and spoke with H for about an hour and a half. It was really easy, and we laughed a lot. He's now being required to do talk therapy on top of the physical therapy because of an altercation at work.
I really want to talk to him again tonight, but I'm going to resist and go to the movies or something. I can't let my enjoyment of his company and my concern over his wellbeing override my attempts to GAL.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
How confusing! H just called me during his lunch break and we talked for about an hour -- it was again really easy and fun. At the same time, he initially called to let me know he could receive mail at his new address related to the divorce. I'm trying not to mindread but doesn't that seem like a flimsy excuse? Normally we text about stuff like that.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
Also, should *I* call *him* tonight? I was planning on it, but don't want to push or pressure with too much contact. This is the first time he's called me since he let me know about the hospitalization.
Me: 30 H: 29 M: 2 yrs T: 5 years BD: 12/14/12 Divorce talk begins 1/6/13 I filed: 5/20/13 -- no contact since
