Sex life was falling back into rhythm. Kinda tough with a fairly sleepless toddler in the house. Nonetheless, I thought it was going well .... Improving. Holding hands, etc.
We do need help, 2TP. She had/has been going to a counselor but I don't know what "kind". RV would be good but I'm not sure if she is ok with a mirror being on her.
Thanks for the kind words, SP.
I'm just gonna sleep and hope tomorrow is better. Miss her tonight. Miss my son.
It sounds to me like the two of you have really tried to jump back into the R with both feet. I think it may have just been "too much too soon" for your W. It's really not a surprise she's pulling back, and it's probably not the last time this will happen. It's very important that you fall back to what works at times like this. Think back to what worked, for your W, she needed to feel NO pressure before she could look back, and for her that meant divorce. That's pretty extreme and it really shows how important space is to your W. So right now you need to really pull back and start giving her time and space again. No pursuing, no deep talks, just time and space. Let her think things through, I really feel like she'll be back shortly.
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She said she is very aware of the changes that I have made and that she appreciates them - just that her heart still feels closed on some level and that she is not willing to play family. I said that I heard her and that I think that where we are there is not "rapid" repair. I said that we not only went to the brink....we went over it and we are in the process of rebuilding everything. I said that I don't think that it is a quick process....we have been living together for about 2.5 months.
I think you typically do a really good job of validating, but in the above you were slipping back into "repair" mode. Just remember that her feelings are hers, it's not your job to reason/ explain/ justify/ repair her feelings. Just simple validation is all that's needed. She'll think things through on her own schedule.
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I also said that I believe that when this happens that couples like us experience the exact feelings she is having and they work through it. She then snapped back that I was calling her a "quitter" - and that was not my point at all.
Another little slip on validation. She doesn't want to be told her feelings are like everyone else's in your sitch. Her feelings are unique to her and you need to understand HER feelings, not explain them away. I think that's why she really snapped at you. You say that wasn't your point, just keep in mind that if you're making a point then you are NOT validating.
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To be honest, I am heartsick thinking of the notion that I will have to be without my S again for long stretches of time again.....I has so gotten used to being full time dad again it crushes me to think of going back to where I was. And, naturally, if she means for this to be permanent I don't want to go back to missing her again.
Let go of that, she doesn't want a clingy/ needy you. Remember your PMA, show her that strong confidence that has been drawing her back. She wants time away? Help her carry her bags out and wish her well!
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I have no idea what I am doing here. Don't know what to do or how to act.
Breathe!! You do know what to do, you're just a little scattered right now because of the surprise of it. Slow down, take a breath, think of the journey you've already made, put yourself back on that track.
Thanks for taking the time to reply, AS. I think that when you are sort of blind-sided you (at least ME anyway) I fall out of DB mode just out of pure shock.
As painful as it is, I think you are right - I need to just give back time and space. She is on her way to Iowa tomorrow and I will keep to myself for the most part.
It just feels so "all of a sudden". Just a few days ago we were writing down goals of things we would like to to (her request) travel, things around the house, finalizing her move here, and so on. We had even made a goal of going out a socializing with old friends and couples - which we did. Like I said, it wasn't even a week ago. I just don't see how everything turns on a dime like that. My head is spinning.
I'll try to stick to validation - but in the midst of things falling apart sometimes it feels like validating is just giving up on everything. Academically, I know better - but it just feels that way.
3-4 months ago she constantly spoke of how her condo "did not feel like home to her" and how it felt "temporary" and how she was "unsettled" there. She did NOT frame it in the most flattering or "homey" terms. But over the last few weeks the narrative shifted to "I had my routine there", "It was a home for me and S", "I like my neighborhood". All the while, we were enjoying ourselves and our family here. What happened?? Hell, we had a DATE planned for last night.
I'm calming down some, I guess. Just very hurt and need to put on the brave "as if" face again. More like dust it off. I didn't sleep well last night despite being mentally exhausted....emotionally, too.
I'll try to stick to validation - but in the midst of things falling apart sometimes it feels like validating is just giving up on everything. Academically, I know better - but it just feels that way.
It definitely feels that way at times. I'm not vet, but reading through your sitch, your W knows you want the M to work. I don't think validating is going to change her thoughts on that. She will continue to say things that will confuse you because she is confused. There will be good days and bad days. Try to not let the good days and setbacks make you lose your focus. I know its hard. You've reached a point many of us hope to be someday. Hang in there!
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Thanks, ALF. I am probably taking on a very fatalistic view just based on how recent all of this is and how confused I am, but I feel as if I have lost all of our progress and am back to square one all over again. I know many people would like to be where I am - and I do NOT look past that at all....I get it. Just feel as if I have fallen off the mountain more or less right now. Maybe things will be different in the coming weeks, but today feels like a BD all over again.
Guess I am in need of support an encouragement through this new wrinkle.
Crimsion, reading your sitch with interest. I think this is a momentary set-back and agree with AS. Don't put too much pressure on the W. Keep up the PMA, GAL, and DB-ing.
My W has also come back from the brink of talking separation/divorce, in my case she never moved out. But she is still in MLC and not fully committed to marriage. We have our ups/downs. In my case, I see a long road of building up a new and hopefully better relationship. I would suggest not to rush things and take it slow and let your W set the pace.
I am probably taking on a very fatalistic view just based on how recent all of this is and how confused I am, but I feel as if I have lost all of our progress and am back to square one all over again.
At some point she doubted if leaving you was the right decision, so I guess its not a big surprise she has doubts if coming back is the correct decision either. Right? She is confused. Don't give her any reasons to think leaving again is the right choice. Be strong like you have been.
As for the date, I know it [censored] that got cancelled. Take it day to day. Be strong, and know that the cancellation of one date doesn't mean its over. It took a LOT to get to this point, and its going to take a LOT of to get out of it. Expect there to be setbacks so they don't knock you off balance as much.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I was just wondering what your vision of reconciliation is, as opposed to hers, and what that looks like for you ?
In YOUR mind, you have envisioned this for a long time, yet in her mind, this is pretty new to her, and what she was seeking.
A few short months ago, she still had both feet out the door, while you were looking at a future that MIGHT include her...might not. Yet you were thinking about it both ways...
Her dreams of freedom, will vary from your dreams of getting back together....
Remember that this is still her timeline , and she needs to move at her pace.
Also, I don't see a problem with you falling off of DBing technique occasionally, and besides, that is for you, right ?
Remember that you had many backslides when you first started DBing too. Life isn't much different.
You learned to communicate, and what was right for you. You learned to enforce personal boundaries ? You should still be firm on those. You don't want to sell yourself, just for the sake of the relationship. All of the things that you became once again, is what attracted her to you, don't forget those things.
DBing is an excellent tool for learning to cope, and detach. It lacks quite a bit of luster when mixed into the reconciliation process though, and how to RE-attach.
There are many facets of this that you are gonna have to re-learn. Trust has been broken, and will have to be rebuilt...one small block at a time. And that takes time..
Reach down and find that resolve that got you through the past couple years, and think about what this relationship means to you. Think about what you had to give, and what you gained.
Think about what you want your future to look like, and about what you have to do to get there. Are you following "old" habits within the relationship ? Falling into old behavioral patterns ???
Or is this merely a hiccup in communication, time, and space ???
You may start and stop several times until you reach your goals, and her too.
Also, try not to make this "fit" into something that you have read, or heard. Let this breathe on it's own, and write it's own story along the way. What you experience now, will be as unique as the people living it....
