You both had the same reaction that I did. I didn't want to post my reaction as I tend toward the negative.
B, I wasn't really hurt. I expected a no so great response. I guess I am simply more resigned at this point that there is very little chance that he even misses me at this point. After two months of nothing that was all he had to say? To me that is telling. And a little sad.
Snodderly, I know that you really didn't mean to come across as saying I deserved what I got for contacting him. But yes, of course I noticed that he did not even ask how I was. I doubt his reaction would have been any different had I waited until July.
I did not and do not intend to respond. There is nothing to respond to. I just want to re-adjust to the mind set of accepting this reality. Whatever he is going through, his life does not include me. I wanted to believe we could do this. But that is fading.
Portia, It was never my intention to tell you deserved what you got. I was merely pointing out that you've been on the fence a bit trying to decide whether to text him or not. I agree w/you in the fact that his response may not have been any different than it would have been in July. I'm sorry my posting came across in a negative way...it was never my intention to do that.
It mad me so angry to see the response he texted back to you. After all you've been through and have been there listening to him while he's been going through some things, he could have done just a little better in responding. How much effort would it have taken to say, "Portia, how are you doing?". I realize that when they are in mlc anything may pop out of their mouths...but I had hoped he would have responded just a bit differently.
Portia, I am very, very sorry that he responded the way he did. I do hope that he will contact you again and act more like an adult, but there is no telling where he's at right now.
I do hope that you have some nice plans for the weekend.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
from a former LBS: My advice is to hang in there if you can, and remember, you can not control how THEY act in a midlife crisis, the only thing you can control is your behavior!
After trying some tough love and realizing that wasn't getting me anywhere, I decided the only one I could control was myself, and that is what I did. I kept some distance, treated him when he initiated, as I wanted to be treated. I was nice and kind and the loving person I have always been.
Portia, I am sharing the words I have to read everyday to myself. Funny how hard it is to have to hold back love and attention. I always say we must be very special people on this site! The biggest pain we suffer is not being allowed to be the loving person we are and have to watch as everything unravels.
Glad you didn't respond! I don't know if his response was very revealing as to where his head is, I just think he tried to keep it light, he's still doing wrong, what is there to really say to his beautiful girl he left behind!
<3 dm
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
Hahahaha TVS, good one, Portia's SO sure is comfortably numb! I'm surprised you young chicks are Pink Floyd fans!
Portia, I'm glad you texted your SO, and am so so sorry that you didn't get a better response, but at least he DID respond. That's something right?
I keep remembering that quote that you posted on your thread, from a person named Scout. I copied it in my journal I keep on my phone, and re-read it a lot. I think I will copy DMarie's quote too. They contradict a lot of other people's beliefs, but make perfect sense to me. You wrote that Scout said:
Try to cast your mind into the future. What will happen if there's no contact? Whether or not you come back together again, you're in trouble. If you come back together again, you'll have to overcome a long period of simply not having a relationship. If you don't come back together again, you're still parents together. The family can't stay incommunicado forever. It's a sure way to REALLY screw everyone up.
The longer either of you leaves it, the longer and more difficult it'll be to reestablish contact. If he's in Midlife Crisis it's unreasonable to expect that he will do anything, so darl, it's squarely up to you.
And so my advice to you is to initiate contact, but not without doing some important things first.
First, you need to know who and what you are. You need to have a strong sense of self - independent of the people around you - and a healthy self esteem. Both of these things need to be rock-solid. If you're going to hold your hand out to someone who is dangling over a precipice, you need to make sure you're standing and holding onto something solid yourself. I know that what's happened has in all likelihood given your sense of self a battering, but remember you are a spectacular human being. You are not what people - including your husband - think of you.
Once you've done this, you need to set some boundaries. Do not allow the possibility of conflict when you contact him. Keep communications simple, breezy, and COMPLETLY stress- and emotion-free. Like Phoenix says, "put a smile in your voice". If he's shown the tendency to be hurtful since he entered Midlife Crisis, remove yourself from the situation. One woman found she could remove herself mentally, but sometimes she had to remove herself physically as well. I've found the former impossible, and can only do the latter. A couple of months ago now I let husband know that I would only talk to him if he was polite. If I've felt tension rising, I've said something like, "You know what? Let's talk about this later when we're both calmer, OK?"
Finally, remove expectation from the equation. If you initiate contact but don't expect anything (and I mean ANYTHING - good or bad) there can be no hurt. Chuck it out there. If he takes it, great. If he doesn't, great. You're doing the right thing regardless of his reaction. You contact him. You contact him because this is something YOU want to do, YOU need to do. If he doesn't want it, what does this have to do with you? He's doing what he wants and needs to do, now you do what you want and need to do. It's only a wild guess, but I think that you might him a bit frosty at first - particularly if he's suspicious - but he'll eventually be OK. And like I say, keep it light, bright, breezy. Nothing heavy duty, no talking about your relationship. NO tears! Make phone calls as short as they need to be to keep yourself under control.
I expect the first time you do this will be very difficult. But you can do it.
So by Scout standards, your SO's response was not a bad thing, par for the course for the first contact from a MIA MLCer. And your text was perfect too -- light, breezy, no stress or emotion, and no expectations. You did it because it was something you wanted to do. And he did reply. Maybe he'll text again, maybe not. If not, you can try again in a month or so when you get itchy. Or not -- it's your choice when and if!
Don't think that just because his life does not include you right now, that it never will. Hang in there, you're doing great!
Have a great weekend my friend. Do something fun for you!
Thank you all for all of your support and kindness!
Snodderly, I am sorry. You have been nothing but kind and supportive of me and I should not have read negativity into your post.
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It mad me so angry to see the response he texted back to you. After all you've been through and have been there listening to him while he's been going through some things, he could have done just a little better in responding. How much effort would it have taken to say, "Portia, how are you doing?". I realize that when they are in mlc anything may pop out of their mouths...but I had hoped he would have responded just a bit differently.
That is what bothered me the most, too. After two months?
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Do you feel more restful/ peaceful now that you have texted him?
Hey MizJ, no, nothing so soothing. I felt resigned and ready to just let the universe take its course. Such a response - or non-response. At that moment, it became utterly clear to me that I did not hold a place in his life anymore and that I could go on "acting as if", I had to go on because "this was it."
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Your guy definitely seems to be comfortably numb
I'm sorry that you got such a lame response from him after two months of no contact. That is very disappointing.
Maybe that's all he's capable of at this moment. Still disappointing, I know.
TVS, nice catch! The Wall would make a great metaphor for MLC, I think. Childhood issues affecting someone's whole life. I wish I was comfortably numb in this situation. But as much as I was disappointed in his response, it gave me some much needed clarity to move a bit more forward and lose a little more hope. Losing hope may sound like a bad thing, but for me, it helps me to put him away.
Linda, are you a Floyd fan, too?
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Portia, I'm glad you texted your SO, and am so so sorry that you didn't get a better response, but at least he DID respond. That's something right?
Yes, I guess it is. But I could not help but feel it was a response given for politeness sake. He always did hate people to dislike him in anyway.
So, I sat on my experiment over the weekend and truly felt that I needed to be done. That I need to work on phasing him out of my life for my sake. I hated the thought that he was probably blaming me for this fall-out; not only was I the one devestated but it was my fault? Did not like that.
Coupled with an old friend's funeral this weekend, I got to thinking what is there left to do if I am really going to say farewell? The only thing I could think of was that he would say that I did not respond to his reponse.
I sent a text: Glad to see that you are still alive. Trusting all is good with you.
My wording was very simple but deliberate. I sent it without any expectation of a response. It was a goodbye, even if I did not say so. If he contacted me, great. But I needed to cut that last tie.
Maybe he sensed that. He replied that it wasn't "smooth sailing" but that he was doing OK. And then he asked me how I was doing. Well, now. I am becoming cynical though. Always the SAD guy, never the bad guy.
I responded that I was keeping out of trouble and was sorry to hear of the choppy water.
There has been no response back. Whether or not there ever will be, I do not know. But the ball is in his court for a long while. I am glad that I made the decision to text again. I felt it was the last thing that I could do before dropping the rope and I needed to know - for myself - that I had done all I could.
Thanks again to everyone who dropped by to support me. It means so very much to me.
I think that the knowledge that you did everything you could is very very important here, Portia. I'm sorry your SO is such a dweeb. I'm kicking him out of the Pink Floyd Fan Club -- he is NOT worthy.
Sorry Portia. The texts you sent were well thought out, and now as you say, the ball is in his court. He might fool you and wake up from his craziness, but you sound resolved, like you're ready to move on. You, my friend, are intelligent, strong, funny, sympathetic, , quick wittted, loving, kind, a beautiful person. Obviously your H must have brain damage, no?
Please know that we all love and support you, whatever your decision, and where ever this MLC craziness takes you next, we're all here for you.
I don't know if I am all that - certainly not before 10:00 a.m. without caffeine!
I do love him and I wish him well. Our time together wasn't perfect but we shared many good memories - and great memories. I learned a lot from him and I would like to think he learned a few things from me, too.
Is he in a bad place or just trying to play on my sympathies? I don't know. I have let it be known that the door is open for him. It is his choice whether he walks through it or not.
Dawn, I just noticed that your quote did not show up in my post.
Originally Posted By: I.am.Dmarie
Portia, I am sharing the words I have to read everyday to myself. Funny how hard it is to have to hold back love and attention. I always say we must be very special people on this site! The biggest pain we suffer is not being allowed to be the loving person we are and have to watch as everything unravels.
Thank you for sharing that. It's true. After all they do, our instinct is to help them but they do not want our help. They cannot help or support us, but my xSO has supported his GF through her divorce. I try not to be bitter that he was no support to me as my parent was dying.
I am glad we have each other and the other kind people on this Board.
