Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

Updates/journaling:

Friday was my birthday. I got off of work late and headed to the house. XW made dinner and had some set aside for me. She also made me a cake and the girls all had cards they had made for me. I spent most of the evening with D's upstairs watching TV and just hanging out. We laughed and had a really good time.

It was about time to go, so I headed downstairs to briefly chat with XW. I just wanted to tell her thanks for the meal, the cake, and also to ask about when we should tell the girls about the D, but it just didn't seem like the right time to talk about the latter based on my reading of her.

I went to leave and XW gave me a hug goodbye. Which prolonged. She smelled me a few times (which she has been doing more of lately - mentioning the smell of "me"). And she started crying.

We talked for a little bit...maybe 20 or 30 minutes. She is still a mess. Questioning her own decision making. Telling me that she misses me terribly. Wanting to be "okay", but not being able to get there without me. She said she doesn't know how to be okay without me, and mentioned that when I'm not joking around/being playful/being the "normal" me that she is used to, it tears her up pretty bad. She said after our phone call earlier that morning, I was very "okay...okay...okay...have a good day" and that breaks her heart and she cried all morning.

Obviously this reeks of co-dependence. My stance is that she has continually - through her actions - pushed me away. From telling me I had to leave the house, to finding out about OM, to perpetuating the notion that she is dead set on divorce (which took her 18 months to follow through with), to ACTUALLY divorcing me. What she says day to day changes with the wind, but her actions have been clear and I have been respectful of her wishes based upon those actions.

She's upset that "we" don't seem to be okay. I made a joke or two while we were talking and she commented, "See? THIS is what I'm talking about. I miss THIS...YOU."

My take is that she wants to be friends...best buds. Awesome co-parents that have both moved on and are healthy and happy. Only she isn't there, though she suspects I am.

There still aren't clear boundaries, and that's something that I'm working on creating. She wants hugs. And to snuggle for a minute. And will I crack her back? Will I just rub her back for a sec?

And I WANT to do those things. I WANT to help. I WANT to make her feel better, but if her goal is to become independent from me, if she has to "figure out how to be okay on her own," then any help I give isn't really help at all. It helps her in that moment, but it doesn't help her long term goal.

Those types of things aren't how "friends" act, though even when we were friends (pre-dating) we did act this way towards each other. But that isn't how "friends" act. What if one of us starts dating? Snuggling and back rubs would have to stop because that isn't "okay" behavior if one of us is involved with someone else. So this isn't actions within a friendly relationship that can exist perpetually.

On Sunday she was very playful and touchy, but I gave no indication of wanting to push things further. I didn't linger when she initiated contact, I was just very "nothing" to it.

So it appears that she wants to have all the things she wants from our relationship and none of the things she doesn't want. And as I pointed out to jp in his thread, it's a risk I have to take by not responding to her reaching out.

She's sad. She's lonely. She's confused. But she needs to figure herself out, and apparently I am in the way of that, so I have to get out of the way. And I realize that may push her away from me, but if that is what she NEEDS (even if she doesn't think so in the moment), then I have to do that for her.

So it's risky for me to not meet her emotional needs, but I was there for any and all of that for a very long time, and that didn't work to mend my M. It's a risk because it's very possible that she will find someone else to meet those needs, and then my services are no longer required or desired in any way. And of course I don't want that, but I don't see any other way. I have to let her figure herself out, and once she's done that see where I stand. I have to let her go through this, and she has to understand that things aren't going to be the same. She doesn't get to have all she wants and nothing she doesn't - that isn't how ANY relationship works.

So I just have to keep becoming PatientMan. Keep working on the things I am working on and let her find her way. It isn't easy, but I guess it's the way.

-PM