Swimming Upstream Against the Current

[Portia]

Thank you all for all of your support and kindness!

Snodderly, I am sorry. You have been nothing but kind and supportive of me and I should not have read negativity into your post.

It mad me so angry to see the response he texted back to you. After all you've been through and have been there listening to him while he's been going through some things, he could have done just a little better in responding. How much effort would it have taken to say, "Portia, how are you doing?". I realize that when they are in mlc anything may pop out of their mouths...but I had hoped he would have responded just a bit differently.

That is what bothered me the most, too. After two months?

Do you feel more restful/ peaceful now that you have texted him?

Hey MizJ, no, nothing so soothing. I felt resigned and ready to just let the universe take its course. Such a response - or non-response. At that moment, it became utterly clear to me that I did not hold a place in his life anymore and that I could go on "acting as if", I had to go on because "this was it."

Your guy definitely seems to be comfortably numb

I'm sorry that you got such a lame response from him after two months of no contact. That is very disappointing.

Maybe that's all he's capable of at this moment. Still disappointing, I know.

TVS, nice catch! The Wall would make a great metaphor for MLC, I think. Childhood issues affecting someone's whole life. I wish I was comfortably numb in this situation. But as much as I was disappointed in his response, it gave me some much needed clarity to move a bit more forward and lose a little more hope. Losing hope may sound like a bad thing, but for me, it helps me to put him away.

Linda, are you a Floyd fan, too?

Portia, I'm glad you texted your SO, and am so so sorry that you didn't get a better response, but at least he DID respond. That's something right?

Yes, I guess it is. But I could not help but feel it was a response given for politeness sake. He always did hate people to dislike him in anyway.

So, I sat on my experiment over the weekend and truly felt that I needed to be done. That I need to work on phasing him out of my life for my sake. I hated the thought that he was probably blaming me for this fall-out; not only was I the one devestated but it was my fault? Did not like that.

Coupled with an old friend's funeral this weekend, I got to thinking what is there left to do if I am really going to say farewell? The only thing I could think of was that he would say that I did not respond to his reponse.

I sent a text: Glad to see that you are still alive. Trusting all is good with you.

My wording was very simple but deliberate. I sent it without any expectation of a response. It was a goodbye, even if I did not say so. If he contacted me, great. But I needed to cut that last tie.

Maybe he sensed that. He replied that it wasn't "smooth sailing" but that he was doing OK. And then he asked me how I was doing. Well, now. I am becoming cynical though. Always the SAD guy, never the bad guy.

I responded that I was keeping out of trouble and was sorry to hear of the choppy water.

There has been no response back. Whether or not there ever will be, I do not know. But the ball is in his court for a long while. I am glad that I made the decision to text again. I felt it was the last thing that I could do before dropping the rope and I needed to know - for myself - that I had done all I could.

Thanks again to everyone who dropped by to support me. It means so very much to me.