It sounds to me like the two of you have really tried to jump back into the R with both feet. I think it may have just been "too much too soon" for your W. It's really not a surprise she's pulling back, and it's probably not the last time this will happen. It's very important that you fall back to what works at times like this. Think back to what worked, for your W, she needed to feel NO pressure before she could look back, and for her that meant divorce. That's pretty extreme and it really shows how important space is to your W. So right now you need to really pull back and start giving her time and space again. No pursuing, no deep talks, just time and space. Let her think things through, I really feel like she'll be back shortly.
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She said she is very aware of the changes that I have made and that she appreciates them - just that her heart still feels closed on some level and that she is not willing to play family. I said that I heard her and that I think that where we are there is not "rapid" repair. I said that we not only went to the brink....we went over it and we are in the process of rebuilding everything. I said that I don't think that it is a quick process....we have been living together for about 2.5 months.
I think you typically do a really good job of validating, but in the above you were slipping back into "repair" mode. Just remember that her feelings are hers, it's not your job to reason/ explain/ justify/ repair her feelings. Just simple validation is all that's needed. She'll think things through on her own schedule.
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I also said that I believe that when this happens that couples like us experience the exact feelings she is having and they work through it. She then snapped back that I was calling her a "quitter" - and that was not my point at all.
Another little slip on validation. She doesn't want to be told her feelings are like everyone else's in your sitch. Her feelings are unique to her and you need to understand HER feelings, not explain them away. I think that's why she really snapped at you. You say that wasn't your point, just keep in mind that if you're making a point then you are NOT validating.
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To be honest, I am heartsick thinking of the notion that I will have to be without my S again for long stretches of time again.....I has so gotten used to being full time dad again it crushes me to think of going back to where I was. And, naturally, if she means for this to be permanent I don't want to go back to missing her again.
Let go of that, she doesn't want a clingy/ needy you. Remember your PMA, show her that strong confidence that has been drawing her back. She wants time away? Help her carry her bags out and wish her well!
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I have no idea what I am doing here. Don't know what to do or how to act.
Breathe!! You do know what to do, you're just a little scattered right now because of the surprise of it. Slow down, take a breath, think of the journey you've already made, put yourself back on that track.
