Husband has one foot out the door!

[chasingpavements]

Thanks again mizjjd!
I agree, I need to get out of the house more often for some "me" time without the children, as I am a stay at home mother, and for sure I would be less "stressed" if I could get away more often. It's funny that my husband's complaint was that I was too "stressed", although what he is doing by working away in the basement is exactly what is causing me to be more stressed/not giving me the relief that I need.

[chasingpavements]

I have thought a lot about the 180's, and what is working vs. what is not working. I have concluded;

What IS working: (ie/doing the opposite of what I normally do)

~being 'mysterious' and starting new hobbies, (GAL)
~giving hubby space, and letting him work on basement whenever he wants
~not talking about/pressuring about relationship,
~not begging/pleading/reasoning
~staying positive, not nagging or complaining
~not being overly affectionate
~trying to be more easy going and trying to not to stress too much over things, trying not to call on my husband for help too often

[chasingpavements]

Being 'mysterious' seems to be working especially well.. does anyone have any ideas for that? For example, I changed my profile picture on FB to a nice self portrait of my self, done up with make-up, and he kept questioning me about it, where it was taken, if I had new lipstick, etc.

I am usually quite the open book, telling him of my whereabouts and every single thing that happens during the day. Lately I have been keeping busy and being more vague with the details of my day, and he has started asking me more questions out of curiosity. So he is becoming a bit more curious, which is good, and he has even started following me around the house a bit, asking me for input on the basement, etc. I have tried to be less "available" for interactions with him, and that seems to be piquing his curiosity as usually I am available 24/7. Woo hoo!

[chasingpavements]

My other question is, would it be beneficial for my hubby to have a DB telephone coaching session? I could probably get him to agree to that, and I am positive he would like it since it is over the telephone rather than going to counseling in person. I am weary about suggesting it though, as it could be perceived as pressure.

[chasingpavements]

To add to my 180s (before I forget)

~do not follow hubby around the house
~stop questioning about his whereabouts
~do not point out good points in our marriage
~don't schedule dates or talk about future
~be more scarce on words
~no gifts
~not be overly enthusiastic
~listen to him rather than disputing what he has said
~*be more INDEPENDANT!!

[chasingpavements]

Having rough day.. Not feeling the greatest.. I have not even seen my hubby yet today but I am still feeling down. Crazy how my emotions go up and down so quickly. I am going to do whatever it takes to keep my head up and stay positive.. It is so hard to stay positive when there seems to be so little hope..

[chasingpavements]

Going dark is the chance to work on you and to allow the spouse that left you to go through the journey they need to go through. If you start butting into that when they have made it clear that they don't want to be with you, then you come off as someone who is not honoring their request. You are short-circuiting the journey they have to go through to work out what is going on inside themselves.

There was obviously something very wrong that made them decide they wanted out in the first place. Oftentimes, it is probably the case that they are depressed and they have lost faith that anything can ever change. That patterns are set and are not reversible. It's a sign of depression to feel this kind of hopelessness.

One thing they knew for sure was that they did not want you in the picture. When people are depressed and confused about their identity like many people who request separations are, they become cognitively disorganized and impulsive in their choices. And when you are coming at them trying to make them stay with you, it just feels bad and like there's a pressure there to stay where they were.

And they don't want to stay where they were. They are wanting big changes. And if you stay the same as you always have been, and are unwilling to allow them to go on the journey that they need, or you are setting agendas about how they need to be, you just look like a controlling wench or [censored]. You become a representation of what they were trying to get away from.

As long as you keep pressuring them, you don't stand a chance. You will remain the embodiment of those bad feelings they are having. You will be something to avoid. You will make it very easy for them to continue to project or blame you for the bad feelings that reside inside of them.

If they are alone with those bad feelings still lingering inside, and you are nowhere in the vicinity, then perhaps they will begin to see that the pain they were feeling was really about something unhealed inside of them rather than something about you. You need to cut that link between bad feelings and you.

If you want there to ever be a future between you and your spouse, I believe you have to let your spouse take the journey that is rightfully theirs, even if they way they are communicating that to you [censored]. Even if it hurts like nothing else you've ever felt. If you love them, you have to let them go through that.

And you can't keep looking over to see if they are done yet. It's suffocating. Instead, this is your chance to learn new things. Walk around in your feelings and see what is unhealed in you that makes it so easy for you to feel crazy about this crappy situation in which you find yourself.

You have the gift of time now, and the focusing energy of pain. Don't feel all of this pain without getting your money's worth. Surrender to what is really happening. Face it head on. Summer in the MLC area says that you should stay dark UNLESS your spouse initiates a contact.

For me, there have been two main contacts. First, he called me several weeks ago, and we ended up talking for over an hour. Then, he told me that he wanted to meet with me to tell me some "news." At first, I did not meet with him, because I was not ready to feel more pain. I knew the news wasn't going to be good. But last week, I finally decided to recontact him and tell him that I was ready to meet to hear his news.

His news was that he was seeing the woman I had at first feared he was seeing. But I met when I was good and ready, and it was actually a really productive and authentic contact. I was ready to be calm and not plead and hear his news. And I think that even though he is with another woman, this contact was a good one, even though it was about painful stuff.

When I allow my husband to be the initiator, then he has to know that he wanted to see me. And from being dark, I, Sparky, have actually become a bit mysterious to my husband - which is hilarious, becase I'm the least mysterious person you will ever meet. And he was intrigued. And I liked it. And I'm going to keep doing this because I thing that not only is it "working," but I'm using all this time to grow as I never thought I would.

The worst thing that ever happened to me has been the best thing that ever happened to me. And even though I still feel a lot of pain, I mean that sincerely.

This makes sense to me.. I have a feeling my husband is feeling down right now and my constant pressuring him has been making things worse.

[chasingpavements]

Well, my husband is in the basement working away again, I think this is his way of escaping and thinking about things.. so I am watching the children. This is torture for me to be in the same house as him and feeling like he will walk out at any given moment because "the feelings just aren't there".... and he "can't see things changing" ..blah blah.

[mizjjd]

Hey Hwy.

Sorry you are having a down day.

Its been my experience that when those days come, just let those feeling wash over you, like a wave on the beach. As time goes by, the bad days lose their strength. Really, they do. Trust me on this. And you will have good days too, even in the midst of all the chaos and pain, there will still be days the sun shines on you. So just hang in there.

I liked the quote you showed from Sparky. If you like it as well, if it really speaks to you, read it often.

You are right, your H is escaping and thinking. As Sparky said, he needs this time and this space. So give it to him. Find fun things to do with your kids while H is busy. Or, hire a sitter if its within your budget and go out. See a movie. Walk the mall. Get your hair done.

Idk about your H and a DB coach. I'd suggest you have another session, and ask the counselor.

It is probably best practice to NOT share too much of DB with your H. ESPECIALLY the strategies and techniques.

I like your lists. What sort of hobbies interest you?

As for being mysterious, it sounds like you're off to a good start on that as well.

I read on another posters thread that she turned right instead of left when leaving her house - making her H wonder where she was going lol. I don't know if thats an option for you, but it shows how simple making them go "hmmm" can be. Another person repainted the living room. Another rearranged the furniture. You are artistic, yes? Well let that creative monkey out of the bag and go wild with it. The trick is to find something that excites you - remember its all done for YOUR benefit.

Hang in there Hwy. It hasn't been a real long time for you and you already show signs of progress. Thats fantastic! And the flip side, its been what, four months? And your H is still there. Overall, you are in pretty good shape.

Cheers

[chasingpavements]

Thanks for your support mizjjd! So far I think I have done an ok job with keeping up the 180s and it seems to be working. Haha.. I like the idea of turning out of the driveway the wrong way..hehe. I am going to keep doing new things to pique his curiosity. For hobbies, I have started painting pictures, painting rocks, and doing pencil sketches. I also love exercising so I will keep playing soccer and jogging, and I would also like to start doing arm weight lifting workouts and perhaps yoga. I'm also interested in music, so I would like to start listening to my old records again. When I am feeling particularly sad or angry, I will blast dance music and dance around the house like crazy! haha. It seems to do the trick to help me feel better.