Bea, the spew is hard to understand. I guess the need for it serves a purpose. It masks the pain that's underneath. Sadly, MLCers add to their pain by hurting their families and dissolving relationships. It must be exhausting to live life avoiding, justifying, etc. and not being at peace with themselves.
I really wish I could handle the communication issue differently. Maybe I will in time. I just don't like the anxiety that kicks in when I see an email from him in my queue. The whole fight or flight reaction kicks in. I want to always be kind and I am most of the time. To respond any other way makes my anxiety worse because I know he will hurl something hurtful at me. I don't want to be involved in that. It just feels all wrong. NC doesn't feel good either, but I honestly don't know what else to do. I really want to do the right thing. I'm just so tired of the battling. We rarely argued during our M (not good I now realize) so 20+ years of stuffed feelings are being released.
Bea, thank you for sharing. It does help to know that it's a common problem.
I really relate to the anxiety - one of the reasons I eventually went wholly dark. But you have to face the fact that he may effectively 'disappear' for a while. For me it was a relief. I heard nothing from him for a couple of years!! Not as easy with young children, but mine are now all grown up.
Does staying in contact help? I don't know. I suspect not, as when I have had recent contact on a fairly regular basis my xh gets 'comfortable' and starts displaying his MLC behaviors again - my sons find the same, so it isn't just me. Self justification, less spewing as i think he is not as angry. And he is such a VICTIM these days. Apparently we all deserted and shunned him - no recognition that his behavior is the reason that no-one could have any contact with him. I haven't had a conversation with him that felt 'normal' for over 7 years. I miss that as he was my best friend.
I really miss who he was, but who he now is - not at all.
Bea, I have heard the same. My H definitely feels shunned, especially by the boys. They are children for God sakes and aren't responsible for adult emotions or actions. My H actually said that if he thought they cared he might have come home and tried to make it work. That's not something you do because the kids show you they need you. There's only so much rejection they will subject themselves to. He should have come home because as their father it's up to him to know what they need. They need a loving, strong leader in their home to guide them daily. In his mind they didn't beg and plead enough, but really he just didn't want the responsibility.
I tell you, Bea, all of this self-absorbed silliness gets me riled. I try to stay with my compassionate heart, but sometimes it's just too much. I am so sorry for you and your boys. It must have been really hard for all of you. How did you finish raising the boys on your own? I'm doing my best, but at all times I'm fully aware that I'm failing. I can't do the job that two parents can. That's the source of a lot of my grief.
GM-I hear you on the kids. This journey is really hard when it includes them. I too have fairly young children, and my H "pretends" to be involved, but is really lacking majorly in a lot of ways. I have my thoughts that my H will take off completely once his lease is up. His care and concern for the kids is really rarely existent and only when he "feels" like it. So sad, and I hurt for my boys in regards. SMH! Nothing will ever change that, I see this. Maybe a little acceptance on my part, IDK!
Look, I don't have any advice on this, but really, really do empathize. Know that your kids do need a strong parent, and unfortunetly, that is going to have to be YOU!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
My stbx and I tag teamed parenting when we were together, unfortunately. I was the STHP, yet my stbx kept telling me that I wasn't financially contributing enough, so I'd do my best to get to client jobs when she got back from work.
Like your not arguing GM, I knew that us operating that way was not good. Yet of all I knew, I could not figure out how to make that better. A few jobs I did have during the M didn't work either because they required evening and weekend work, so ended up not pleasing stbx either. *sigh*
Damned if we don't and damned if we do.
Bea, that's where that whole idea of "still in MLC 7+ yrs later" seems so true. Even though they seem to transition and be functional elsewhere, with us... the MLC seems to go on, and on...
OK raising children alone is hard There are others who did it longer than me. It helps to remember that widows/widowers have this task too.
Sometimes/often it seems like too much, but if you keep going it becomes easier, and now they are grown, I am so proud of them.
When there is no-one else to help and support, child raising is hard, but also a privilege. Not sure if this is helpful except that I am through to the other shore, and I would not have another relationship on any terms. I love my independence, and cherish my occasional loneliness.
Great if you meet someone else, but raising your children alone, while hard, brings great rewards. Accept help when it is offered. You will be fine. your spouse will not be, sadly.
I realize that I feel overwhelmed, not so much by the logistics of getting through life alone, but because I am in a battle with someone who continues to threaten my stability. I can't remember when I last felt safe and secure. Until this D is over I will continue to struggle with this. So much of it is out of my hands. I wish I were fully self supporting. I could walk away from this today. Since the boys and I are largely dependent on H I need to see it through and get the best settlement that I can. I really need this to happen quickly. The longer this lingers the longer it will take to recover. I just want to feel joyful again. I miss my old self, but don't know how to find her in the chaos.
Once again, your words resonate with what I felt at the same time: the need to feel safe and secure, missing your old self, and feeling joyful.
Bit by bit it comes back, but I cannot say it is the same. We are older and wiser, but the innocence of trusting someone totally is gone forever. I understand much better the way that people feel who have suffered abuse in early life - they never had the innocence and trust that was ourse for so long.
Our children remain a joy, and they take their cue from how we behave.
Thank you, Bea. It helps to know that my feelings and experience are similar. It gives me hope that I will pull through this.
Rejection is a horrible experience. I need to move beyond it. I know this, but it's hard. I'm determined to start writing a new story. I no longer want to be the SAHM that was left with two kids to raise. That story is too sad and scary. I want my life to be more than. I do want the joy to come back. I am desperately trying to figure out how to change the way I see my situation. It will be easier once the D is final, but even then I don't want to see myself as a divorced woman struggling through life. That just feels bad. So, I am trying very hard today to start recovering and see myself the way others do, excluding my H.
