Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

AJ- thank you for the eye opener. I hear your words and see how much that you may be on track with things. Or at least figuring me out anyway.

So, I had a good weekend with my boys. I spent time with my Sister IL and her kids and fiancé. Weird, but very enlightening on a lot of things.

Her and H never had a good relationship, and she has openly said to me that she is surprised I haven't just divorced him, as she feels that is what I should be doing. She also told me that MIL has made comments to her that H seems to be more himself since this started...I was confused and asked her to clarify, and what I got from it was that this is the H my MIL knew from childhood. Not sure that, that is good. My takeaway (in my mind) was that H has been faking himself for 15 years in her eyes. Wow! I guess at least H was productive, good, caring, warm, and a nice guy for 15 years. If he was always an ass, then it seems maybe MLC hit him in the wrong direction...lol! There were other things that SIL said, primarily how certain members of the family haven't liked him all this time. I asked why and she put out some examples of things I never knew, negative things. Makes me wonder who he was showing to me and the boys all this time. There was also a "childhood" issue brought up, and it got me thinking...H has always questioned the identity of his father. Certain members of his family have too, and he has approached his mother on the subject many times. Maybe that is H's issue. We have talked about the subject many times...he and I have very similar "Daddy issues" involving abandonment, the difference with me, is there is no mistaking who my father is. He has always had his suspicions.

So without going all analytical, I could see that H has a lot of emotional abandonment and identity issues. Ones I don't think he will ever overcome or work through. Sorry to say it, but realizing this left me void of emotion...because if he is hurting through all that, I still don't understand how you would inflict pain on your children. Me, I get, them no.

So, fwiw, I felt void of anything during this visit with SIL. Maybe not void, but I left feeling no better or worse then when I got there...even though we talked about a lot...me and boys were there for quite a few hours yesterday.

So, today, felt comfortable. Me and the boys slept it in very late, went and got each of them a fish at the pet store, and played games and hung out at the house all day. It was nice being our old "boring" selves. Boys even said they wish we had more days like today...sleeping in being the primary goal here...lol!

So focusing on the positives this weekend. And I am learning more about me, H, and life in general.

I don't have any thoughts on my sitch today...I guess acting as if is starting to feel less of an act lately. Trying to process what that means, ie, did (do) I love H at all? Strange to be thinking this question right now, I always thought I had the answer. Maybe I need to reflect on that somewhat...

Good night every one!