And if you do, she will probably know that you saw the email. Are you prepared to answer her questions or deal with her possible anger?
Understandably, she clearly is feeling a great deal of anger and hurt about it. I cannot imagine how horrific it must have been at the time, by her own brother.
And if you do, she will probably know that you saw the email. Are you prepared to answer her questions or deal with her possible anger?
Understandably, she clearly is feeling a great deal of anger and hurt about it. I cannot imagine how horrific it must have been at the time, by her own brother.
The email was about our one time incident. I would not bring that up. When I felt the time was right, I might bring up the childhood SA from brother thing again. She wasn't upset when I brought it up last year.
What I would hope to accomplish is to encourage her to talk about/examine that time in her life, and maybe decide to seek help in dealing with it if it was troubling her.
I'm not convinced that the SA from brother is responsible for where she is now. She told me about it shortly after we met, which was only 5-6 years after the abuse period. She didn't seem all too agonized over it then either.
But maybe you are right... it could all be a cover up for the pain. I surely don't know.
Oh, and as I expected, W came home and told me all about the wedding, and showed me a pic of her and J. He's doing better and she had a good time.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
You know her best and I know you will do what you think is best in your wonderful, gentle FY way.
But, I have to say, without a single doubt, that what happened to her has affected her deeply. How can it not?
Your brother is someone who should protect you. And for a girl, to have that happen at all, but, particularly at that young age, has to leave deep scars.
My guess is that she has found a way to cope for a very long time, until she could not any longer - hence the crisis.
FY, I know how very much you love her. She doesnt love herself.
Sorry I missed this latest revelation. She obviously never dealt with the emotional aspects of the sitch with her brother and IMO has shut it out.....until now. When she spoke about it when you first met it sounded like she was brushing it off...in other words I don't want to talk about it. So my guess is it was too difficult to talk about then and still is.
So yes, I think she needs professional help, no I don't think you should bring it up. It is about her, she needs to understand you are there for her if and when she decides to talk about it.....my guess is she will but it may take time as she can't run away from it forever. IMO then will be the time for professional help unless she decides beforehand.
Of course that is only my opinion and you know her best and how she may react. My worry if you raise it is that she may think you are looking for something to explain why she feels like she does about you...if that makes sense, or that you are trying to fix her.
Feelin for you and your W, it is awful what happened to her.
She obviously never dealt with the emotional aspects of the sitch with her brother and IMO has shut it out.....until now. When she spoke about it when you first met it sounded like she was brushing it off...in other words I don't want to talk about it. So my guess is it was too difficult to talk about then and still is.
Likely true. After initially telling me about it soon after we met, it was never discussed until after bomb drop. Once while telling me she feels like we are more like brother and sister, she added angrily "and you know I had sex with my brother".
Quote:
So yes, I think she needs professional help, no I don't think you should bring it up. It is about her, she needs to understand you are there for her if and when she decides to talk about it.....my guess is she will but it may take time as she can't run away from it forever. IMO then will be the time for professional help unless she decides beforehand.
Of course that is only my opinion and you know her best and how she may react. My worry if you raise it is that she may think you are looking for something to explain why she feels like she does about you...if that makes sense, or that you are trying to fix her.
Yes, that does make sense. Thanks to my careless actions that one night, she has tied her recent feelings of neglect and abandonment to me, and I'm afraid still has not even considered that the childhood abuse has anything to do with it.
Thanks for your thoughts rky. ==============
Wife is feeling overwhelmed with everything. Says she needs to simplify her life. Work stress is building as she enters her busy period. As she does every year, she is fretting over being able to keep up with demands. She's going in to work today (Sunday) to get some stuff done. Said her desk is a big mess... just like her house and entire life...
She told me this morning she still needs to book our "stupid" anniversary trip. Also that she knows she needs to talk about where "we" are... that it's been bugging her. Said maybe we could do it at the end of the month. (I'm hoping when we are in resort, relaxing on the beach)
Said she woke up screaming last night, and it was because of me. No details given. She said this in a calm matter of fact matter, showing no emotion.
This all ties in with her comment last week about how she feels something has to give soon.
I listened and said I understand, and that I'll continue to do what I can to help out. It was not a good time to discuss us or me, so I didn't.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
But, I have to say, without a single doubt, that what happened to her has affected her deeply. How can it not?
Your brother is someone who should protect you. And for a girl, to have that happen at all, but, particularly at that young age, has to leave deep scars.
Your H should protect you even more so, and I let her down that one night. She's having a difficult time getting over it, (as am I) but to her credit, does seem like she is trying to. Maybe my actions since then have helped show her that I really do love her and only want the best for her. After all, she's still here, and telling me about her life.
FY, I know how very much you love her. She doesnt love herself.
I've known this for the entire relationship. I've always tried to build her up, with limited success.
Originally Posted By: Cadet
I'll be watching with great interest.
I've got lots of popcorn.
This stuff is more interesting than reality TV, isn't it!
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
Hi FY, was thinking about your wife, read this from an old thread...
From M Go Blue: "A MLC person struggles to share what they are really feeling inside. They learned in childhood to not share their feelings and if they did they would suffer the consequences. They also learned that by sharing their feelings and asking for their needs to be met, they often faced rejection and abandonment.
As an adult, a MLC person does not know how to ask for their needs from their spouse, and they also "fear" that if they did, they would be ridiculed or rejected. They believe they are not "good enough" to have their needs met.
There are two basic human emotions, LOVE and FEAR. You cannot experience both at the same time. A MLC person is acting out of the "fear" inside of them. A MLC person does not understand what unconditional love is, as they did not experience it as a child.
As I learn more about myself and my twisted thinking, that was developed during my childhood experiences, the more I understand how hard it is to erase the old tapes inside my head and replace them with new ones. "
Hope things are okay today. She is hurting from so long ago, and doesn't realize yet that you are there for her. Keep being that rock, FY.
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
Yes TVS, that quote sounds spot on for my W, and is very sad.
Originally Posted By: Takevowsserious
Keep being that rock, FY.
Thanks. That's the plan... she deserves nothing less.
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She came home from work in a real pissy mood, yelling at the dog and cursing over little things. She gradually calmed down and warmed up some as we interacted. Sometimes it seems I really am the rock! Let's hope so.
UR: Yes, I agree. I need to be ready for anything.
M: A really long time. Crisis: 5 years. She's still worth it.
Life is never made unbearable by circumstances, but only by lack of meaning and purpose. -Viktor Frankl
No details given. She said this in a calm matter of fact matter, showing no emotion.