Getting Uncomfortable

[job]

I'm glad to read that your MIL is going to try surgery. I hope that the surgery will alleviate some of her pain, if not all of it after recovery.

It sounds like you've had a busy week all the way around. I'm sorry your son's team came in 11th, but at least they made it to Florida! I'm sure they've been getting a lot of rain down there the last few days. Hopefully it will clear up today for them to enjoy the rest of their trip.

As for your other son, I'm glad you were able to attend the state qualifier. It means a lot to him that one of his parents was there for him. I'm sure you are very proud of both your sons!

Be sure to find some time for you this weekend. You've been a very busy lady and will require some down time too. I'm keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

[mizjjd]

Not sure what's going on with me these days. I am struggling. Despite knowing how much H is going through w/his folks, I find myself wanting to distance from him.

I find myself resentful.
Resentful that he can depend on me?
Resentful that he can find time and compassion for his parents but not his family?

And these are selfish thoughts/feelings of course, so then I feel ashamed of myself.

H said not long ago that he doesn't remember when my mom died. Well, he of course remembers that she died, just not the details. (This was Feb of 2006.)

Maybe that plays into my feelings as well. Maybe it just reminds me of losing my parents and brings that to the surface again.

Maybe I'm just having a bad few days. Sigh.

On the positive side, I am completely caught up with my laundry. And, this is the best part, I cleared out all the piles of clothes I'd had set aside to give away. Progress!

Today is fastfoodland, but just the usual 5 hour shift.

S161 returned yesterday from State Track. (I don't think I ever updated that he was offered the opportunity to participate in the Florida trip next year, instead of having to miss half of it and buy a plane ticket for this year. Now, I am sure its just a funny coincidence, but the "go next year" option was not available at first, according to the teacher in charge. But then, the teacher in charge's son made the state relay team... and miraculously the option of going next year, at no additional cost, came up. Yep, I'm positive that just looks a little fishy )

H has told his job that he will be there for work on Wednesday, so that should put him home Tue night. All this contingent of course on MIL's surgery.

I am afraid for H... he must be just a mass of panic in his mind and heart. And I feel a little "soulless" for my resentment.

[RosaLinda]

"Not sure what's going on with me these days. I am struggling. Despite knowing how much H is going through w/his folks, I find myself wanting to distance from him.

I find myself resentful. 
Resentful that he can depend on me? 
Resentful that he can find time and compassion for his parents but not his family?

And these are selfish thoughts/feelings of course, so then I feel ashamed of myself."

Maybe you feel some resentment because you had just made the big decision to go dim, but you don't feel comfortable doing  it right now as your H needs you. But he still is giving nothing to you in return. 

I think your feelings of resentment are perfectly understandable since your H has been acting like a self centered crazy person, and you are worn out trying to hold everything together for the boys. . And you feel guilty because you are an empathetic, loving and giving person. But you shouldn't!!!

"S161 returned yesterday from State Track. (I don't think I ever updated that he was offered the opportunity to participate in the Florida trip next year, instead of having to miss half of it and buy a plane ticket for this year. Now, I am sure its just a funny coincidence, but the "go next year" option was not available at first, according to the teacher in charge. But then, the teacher in charge's son made the state relay team... and miraculously the option of going next year, at no additional cost, came up. Yep, I'm positive that just looks a little fishy   )"

Geez! What a miraculous coincidence! But I'm glad he'll get to go! Except I bet they make the states again next year!  Congratulations on finishing the laundry. It's never ending. You can have every piece folded and put away but all the clothes you're wearing are now dirty sigh...

[mizjjd]

H is at his parents. MIL has surgery sometime tomorrow. Its kind of odd, to me anyway, but apparently there is not a time "set" for the surgery. It is considered a special/emergency and will be "worked in". So could be first thing - or not.

Had an interesting texting communication with H through out the day, and I would like to share/journal some of it.

At around 10 AM, H texted

Was planning on leaving at noon but I want to play (blackjack) and the table won't open until noon. I'm torn by time restriction and fact that I'm up (have made $) So do I leave now or play? It would be 2 more hours I could spend with mom.

I answered

You need to go ___. The casino will always be there.

I was tempted to sputter something like "Really? Your mom is facing life threatening surgery, and you don't know if you should delay leaving a few more hours so you can play cards????"

But then I thought. I thought about how hard this is on my H. He really, really really doesn't deal well with death at all. When my parents died he was all chipper and "you feel better now" until the day they died. Just total denial of what was in front of his face. And this time its HIS parents. He must be scared to near paralysis. I realized he was asking not whether he should go, but whether he really had to go face the mortality of his parents, which of course too means the mortality of himself. He didn't want to, he wanted to stay and hide in the oblivion of the casino, to avoid the fear of losing a mother, to avoid the pain of his FIL, and to avoid his own pain.

And then he texted.

I'm on my way.

And I knew what a huge huge thing this was for him. So I texted that I was glad he wasn't delaying his trip. And I thought for several minutes and then texted him this.

I want you to know I am proud of you. Going to, and being with, your ailing parents is difficult and frightening. But it is the right thing - and you are a good son, a good man.

Just now H called me. He filled in the details regarding MIL.
She has a 40% survival rate.

FIL's plan for tomorrow is to get to the hospital early enough to kiss MIL as she gets wheeled into surgery and then go home and go to sleep. He doesn't want to know until he wakes up.

H plans to be there, in the hospital, the whole time. This means he will be the one to break the news, good or bad, about MIL. (I really wish I could be there for him. Sigh.)

And then H said, "About that text you sent to me. I want you to know how much it meant to me. I read it several times, and thought about it the whole ride up here. And it made me think that it took me a long time to become "a good son", so maybe it will take me a long time, but maybe one day I can be a good husband too."

Ahem. Pardon me, getting a little teary here. And I don't even know what I said in return. Not much of anything, probably not the right thing. Because I was surprised. Well, shocked really. And because I didn't want to get into a R talk.

And I know that people who are grieving say and do things out of character. So I know it might not mean anything at all in the long run.

But it was something to hear, you know?

So anyway. Calling on all good wishes and prayers please for MIL, FIL and H. And maybe some for me too, tomorrow will be a long day of "checking my phone" for news.

Peace

[mizjjd]

I stumbled upon this...

The ancient Greeks looked for an element that would represent human trust, and the trust of communities and nations. Gold was eventually chosen… and this was because they knew that when gold was fired it became more pure, in turn making it more valuable, and they knew that trust was like that. A relationship that has never been tested often times is not as valuable as one which has been and has solidified back together into a new strength of understanding.

[Notlikingthis]

Prayers and good thoughts are on their way to you, your h and his family.

I found his response to your well written text to be pretty amazing. There is still hope for that confused and angry man of yours!!! LOL Hope that this situation with your MIL doesn't send him into a tailspin. I'm praying for the best result for that reason as well.

Take care and let us know how things go with the surgery.

[RosaLinda]

You rock Mz. Jay! You are the best wife!

You gave your H the strength and courage to leave his casino cave, Look at your FIL's actions -- he has been your H's role model of how a man should act.  I am proud of YOU, Mz. Jay, because you looked deep through the surface to try to figure out what was the real reason you H was reluctant to leave the blackjack. And then complimented him and bolstered him in just he way he needed. Hopefully he WILL become a good husband someday (it seems he plans to be your H for many years, I found his answer SO hopeful!) but YOU, Mz. Jay, are a good wife right now!

I've been lifting your MIL up in prayer. It's sort of strange praying for someone whose name I don't know, the relative of someone whose name I don't know either. But I figure God knows who I mean. This MLC insanity will sure break or strengthen a person's faith!

Your H not wanting to leave the casino to be with his sick mom reminded me of something my H did  to me when his Tramp was here for 2 weeks in March. I had a little problem with my heart and needed to have a procedure. My H told me he'd come home to be with me but did not. Afterwards he told me that it was a really hard decision to make, but he knew I would have my coworkers from the hospital there with me, and knew  I'd be okay. I said that's probably what the Tramp told you too, and he said that's not exactly what she said. I bet!

I figured he'd chosen sex with the Tramp over supporting me, and that HURT. But your musing about your H made me realize that my H has always had a really hard time dealing with sickness and death too. Maybe he just could not face it. He didn't have anyone encouraging him to be a good man, just the Tramp encouraging him to do the opposite. You have helped me to forgive him, thank you. 

Please keep us updated. Hang in there. 

[mizjjd]

Notlikingthis, LindaM

Thank you so much. It helps to know there are others who... well that there are others.

Her name is Barbara.

My heart is full to bursting this morning with the MIL sitch.

I am glad you found some comfort in what I wrote Linda. Maybe your H, like mine, has more than his fair share of child in him. We all have limitations, things it seems we just weren't constructed to handle. Death is definitely on my H's short list.

And FIL has NOT been the ideal role model - don't know if you read my posts from when H was up there before taking care of them. How FIL went on at length about what an 4sshole he'd been to MIL, how many affairs he'd had. When H told me about this I wanted so badly to ask him how it felt to hear that. But I didn't feel that would be kind.

Thank you again for your kind words Notlikingthis and Linda. The first thing I did this morning was check here.

H has texted that the surgeon will be meeting with MIL at 8:15, so we should know the surgery time soon.

I thank everyone for reading and ask please for continued prayers.

[job]

Keeping your MIL in my thoughts and prayers.

[reachingHigher]

Wow, mizjjd, I am amazed at your strength and happy that you and H could exchange these texts of important communication during this terribly difficult time.

Do let us know how it goes.

I'm glad you have a clear head about you. Somehow, this event could be an opportunity for your H to face his issues and be a mature man.

I've got you and your family in my heart today.

Hugs,
rH