I've been NC for two months. I have blocked all contact from H. Prior to that he was only able to contact me via email. He initiated contact about once every couple of weeks. That created anxiety in me. I never knew if he was going to spew at me regarding a D issue, offer money or what. None of the contact was necessary since we both have attorneys. He never contacted me to see how I am or, more importantly, the boys. I was just worn down by it and fearful of the next email. To protect myself and the progress I've made I felt that I needed to block him. I still feel too fragile. I don't know if I did the right thing.
I no longer want to be spewed at or blamed for his perceived breakdown of the marriage. It felt like an ongoing emotional battering. Yes, I have faults. There are things I could have and wish I would have done differently. I have a lot of regrets. I feel like I did a good job of identifying these things early on, apologized for them and asked for forgiveness. Several months ago H spewed at me and accused me of not looking in the mirror. That stung. I had spent many months looking at myself. I have been kind. Why did he feel the need to take that jab at me? I feel bad, but I don't even know why.
To my knowledge H has done no work on himself. He certainly hasn't apologized for anything he's done. That feels bad as well. I don't want to mind read, but it appears that he has the need to keep his reasons for leaving alive. I don't know what else to make of it. He left over 18 months ago and is living the life that he chose. Why does he need to continue to poke at me? Until recently, he was doing it through my attorney since he can't reach me.
I realize that I'm still dealing with the rejection and the lingering trauma of being abandoned with two kids and no way to support myself. I have a long way to go to get through this.
Did I do the right thing by stopping all contact or am I just avoiding him? Should I wait until the D is final before I allow contact again or should I allow it now? I'm afraid of being hurt and H doesn't understand that.
