Here's what I wrote to you months ago, and your reply:
Being apart from your w, but being happy.. imagine it in detail and describe it, and really give it thought. Now, please...
Any New hobbies? Are you taking a class or learning a new language? What would you do if you HAD to be happy, for your daughter's sake? What about travelling, any new friends, a sport or new friends? What would GAL look like?
Would you show your d's that without a certain someone in THEIR lives, they must give up and die? KNOW that They are watching you.
What kind of legacy do you want to leave them?
A legacy of your bad treatment of their mother (as their only memory of marriage), you being deserted because of it, and then what? You sitting on the lawn and sighing as if nothing is in your control b/c "the odds/OTHER stories are all so hopeless"....what a poor example for your children and what a way to NOT Live...
Why not show them (& you) a legacy of personal growth/redemption?
Learn & show the value of bravely looking within, being humbled by our flaws, finding the courage it takes to change those flaws, along with the value of redemption and commitment and love...
What about that ^^ legacy? Let's get on it. NOW, what of those ^^ things can you do, in your life now? _________________________
Then YOU WROTE:
This unfortunately rings true for me. W tried over and over to communicate with me that she wanted me there, but I was off somewhere else in my head. I treated her like sh!t for years, then was emotionally gone. She gave me several chances to change and I failed or didnt even try.
I do wonder if it is salvageable at times, yet I have woken up, this time is different, I cant explain it or prove it, just know it in my heart. I can not give up no matter how bleak it seems. I love my W and want to make up for the past, want to make a new better/different tomorrow.
First of all, what are your GAL and 180s and PMA and NEW people in your life?
Did you do ANY of this?
And second, after all your comments about being different and wanting her, But if she's having an EA, this ^^ is all BS?
Really? You want a LOT of forgiveness from your w...a whole lot... and your w seems to want to do it. Incredibly fortunate.
But when it comes to HER making mistakes and needing forgiveness FROM you ...your head is somewhere else? You're "too hurt"? Well what about her pain from the decade (the decade you admit to, she says it was two...)
If you have to let her go, I'd say it's b/c neither of you is ready to recommit. You both need space and help. Truly.
But maybe in time and with a lot of therapy, you will be ready to recommit. I think you have you answer now as to what to say. Stay on the path of YOU getting well
and worry about her path, a whole lot later.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
How do I know when it is real if we are to ever be together or if she is just using me.
If you do the work and she does, too. You will know.
So I drop the rope. I work on me. She pulls and I let go more. To what end?
To what end? Really, J? You become the man you were meant to be. And if she works on her, and you look to each other in the future, you can make decisions from a place of strength.
Are you telling me to give up on W or to put her away.
I would never tell anyone to give up on anything. I am telling you what I have been for a long time. Let her go to walk her journey and you walk yours.
Are you saying I am kidding myself with her?
Not at all. I am saying that neither of you are ready to be in any kind of relationship with each other. Your words to me where you cannot work on you while you are so attached to your wife. I agree.
She needs to figure her life and herself out, J. You need to let her so that you can figure out you. Because continuing to go round and round like this only makes you dizzy.
The way it is right now is not working. The way it was in the past did not work. Do something different.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
W: I think I am jealous of u JP. U seem to 2 know what U want, what u need 2 do and how. Ur so strong. (I am laughing my ass off at this one)
W: God I wish I knew I had a clear path.
W: I feel as if I am just in major limbo. Even tho I started all this sh!t, once again u know exactly what 2 do and r doing it.
M: I wish you luck W. You deserve to be happy.
W: Sorry just feeling sorry for myself. I shouldn't rant on u. I am glad and proud of you for getting things and your life together.
W: Deserve is a huge word... not there not today at least.
M: You will figure out what you want W. It will happen when it is meant to happen.
W: Great...
W: I am such a better follower than leader.
M: I so disagree with you there W.
W: I don't lead sh!t JP.
W: sorry 2 bring ur day down. Have a great day and dont worry about me.
M: Your not. Thank you.
End.
Better?
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
That was awesome JP!! That should give you some serious motivation. You need to be the strong one and you can do it! I know how you feel about feeling like you are second choice. There is no need to feel that way. Don't make this just about you. I have had to swallow a big dose of humble pie. But it is giving my W and I chance to save out marriage. I don't know if we can save it, but I have always wanted the opportunity. That's what I have got and that's what you can have as well. Keep up the great momentum
M 37 W 30 S 7 Together 10 years Married 9 years BD: 12/12/12(W filed same day) I moved to apartment 1/11/13 W and S moved to MIL 1/11/13 Peicing: 6/3/13 Reconciled: 7/2013 BD2: 4/20/16 still working on it
How do I know when it is real if we are to ever be together or if she is just using me.
How can she use you if you have dropped the rope and are detached?
To really answer your question, there isn't going to be any certainty. Just do what you have to do.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
