Every time I got this feeling in the past I would snoop and there would be something.
SO I looked at D17 phone. I know it is horrible and wrong in many ways.
I know W tells D17 EVERYTHING.
I am shaking...
Text from W to D.
W: So I sent OM a text several days ago of just "goo morning", actually I sent it 2 several people. Well I hadnt heard from him so I sent another text today asking if he had heard about his job. He finally replied and said his wife saw my last text and wasnt happy so we have 2 stop. I of course said ok and that i was sorry. I feel horrible. but then little sad. and then my brain goes... well I guess I will work it out with JP. Ugh! make it stop!
End.
D went to spend night with W after that text. So no more text about it.
So yes I know I was wrong for looking, yet now I have so many questions.
1. W is still involving D with sh!t that she shouldn't be involved with.
2. W telling D in text actually I sent it to several people (trying to make light of contacting him?)
3. OM W saw text and wasnt happy, so what all does she know?? God I want to talk to her sooooooo bad!
4. W says "I guess i will work it out with JP" Yeah that makes me feel like sh!t.
5. UGH make it stop? wtf, so hard on poor W.
I know I am running on emotion right now, I can't stop shaking. I cant tell W I know this and know she wont tell me.
Right now, I want to tell her to FU2K off and I am not working anything out as a last choice.
Well I am not talking to her, just writing.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So W told me it wasn't about OM it was about all the other stuff between us.
In her text after she found out she cant text him anymore, then she says her mind goes to I guess I will work things out with JP. So all of what she said was a lie.
In text she said OM W saw it and wasnt happy. I dont think she knew, so either she did and was tired of them texting or more likely the text was inappropriate (regardless of what W told D in text) and it was still going on with him.
So she has me stating I dont want her talking to him and now his wife, so she now will never let him go in her mind.
I need to go to bed, or I will open my stupid mouth.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
W texted me about this and that and it came to a point to where I said I didn't think we were ready to be together right now. She now is asks:
So per you... what makes us not ready.
Do I be honest and tell her?
NOT until you have posted here and or chatted with a therapist. YOU are not ready btw...maybe nothing to do with HER...but remember that
Some things are better left UNsaid...
This is along the lines of what I was thinking if you want be succinct, jp. Something such as "I realize that *I'm* not ready...that I have a lot of things to work through myself."
You don't want to give her too much, right? Be a little mysterious. Don't lie to her, just don't explain every reasoning for every decision you make. JMO.
jp, the dynamic you and your W have is really REALLY similar to me and XW. Me pulling away to respect her wishes and work on myself sends her reeling. Since you have a W and I have an XW, our approaches might be a little different, but the women seem to be emotionally in the same spot. They're a mess. They say they want one thing, but if you give that to them they seem to break down. They are second guessing their own decisions. They are "sorry" they are dragging us through all this.
They say they need space? Then give them space, even when they change their mind. Giving them space and sticking to it isn't mean or spiteful, it's respecting them and their wishes. They HAVE to figure themselves out, and part of that isn't dragging you along for some crazy ride, ESPECIALLY when dragging you along for the ride makes the ride even crazier.
Let her be. Welcome her openness, but be guarded with your own. Why? Because YOU aren't ready.
If they want space. Give it to them. It's hard...I KNOW. It hurts. It kills me to stand there and watch my XW in pain, but she "needs to be okay on her own" yet somehow "misses me", is depressed, second guessing her decisions, etc.
It isn't easy to step back and watch, but I am respecting her and her wishes by giving her the space that she is now is questioning whether or not she wants. She can be on the roller coaster, but we shoudn't agree to go on it with her.
And yes, it's risky. If W (or XW for me) seems to be reaching out emotionally, our instinct - both as husbands and as people who care about them - is to "help' in that moment and give them what they ask for. But it just sets them back. They'll get mad that they did it and then pull away, and the cycle starts again. So it's risky to not meet their emotional needs because if they find somewhere else to get those needs met, then you fear YOU might not ever be needed again. You fear being replaced and forgotten.
So it's a risk based on a fear, but that's the risk you have to take (or at least the one *I* have to take). She picked you for a reason, and it wasn't because you were weak. So select the right DB strategy for you (and adjust when necessary [ONLY]), but for the most part, just stick to your guns.
I have to respect her consistent actions that ask for space. I have to let her figure herself out. I have to hope that once this happens she might think about me as a possibility again. But until she has gone through what she needs to go through, the reality is that SHE isn't ready either.
But you can't say that.
So tell her the truth, just not all of it. You're not ready because you realize you have a lot of work to do on you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
So W told me it wasn't about OM it was about all the other stuff between us.
In her text after she found out she cant text him anymore, then she says her mind goes to I guess I will work things out with JP. So all of what she said was a lie.
In text she said OM W saw it and wasnt happy. I dont think she knew, so either she did and was tired of them texting or more likely the text was inappropriate (regardless of what W told D in text) and it was still going on with him.
So she has me stating I dont want her talking to him and now his wife, so she now will never let him go in her mind.
I need to go to bed, or I will open my stupid mouth.
So you have proof she is lying to you and you are just a backup option.
She has no respect for you.
You don't need to say something, you need to do the opposite. IGNORE HER. You are not a backup option. You will not be deceived. You are too good to be treated that way by anyone.
Man up! You do not accept this behavior.
Pull away hard and work on yourself. You know you have plenty to do.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
Ok, J, I am going to be VERY honest with you here because there are some things you need to hear.
I post to you the way I do because I feel you respond better to positive, specific words than you do to 2 x 4's. You tend to get angry and pull away when someone challenges you.
And so, I did not say what I should have regarding some of the things your wife texts you and I apologize.
Whenever she sees you pulling away a bit, she reels you back in. It is so clear, but, I know that you wanted to believe that wasnt it.
And so, I backed away from really getting into it until you were ready to hear it.
Well, I think you are now.
While you know that looking at your daughter's phone was not the right thing to do, you have the info now so it needs to be dealt with.
You are 100% right that your wife should not be speaking to her child about those things. I am so sorry that she is doing that to her.
Several of us on here have been telling you quite frankly and to the point that you needed to let your wife go.
You agreed over and over, yet, continued to text with her.
The information you now have has not changed anything.
You need to let her go, drop the rope, move forward, work on you.
You have a couple of choices here, J.
You can crawl into a ball and let this set you way back or you can use it to propel you forward.
How do I know when it is real if we are to ever be together or if she is just using me.
So I drop the rope. I work on me. She pulls and I let go more. To what end?
Are you telling me to give up on W or to put her away.
Are you saying I am kidding myself with her?
Just say I guess.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I just want her to e plain that text to me. I hate this. I feel like crap. I hurt. I am lost.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
So W told me it wasn't about OM it was about all the other stuff between us. To me, that^^ makes a lot of sense. You see that, right? I mean, OM is NOT "the issue". A symptom yes, a cause? No...
I agree with her.
In her text after she found out she cant text him anymore, then she says her mind goes to I guess I will work things out with JP. So all of what she said was a lie. No it wasn't. You want an excuse to not hold yourself accountable?
And You assume all she tells D is correct? And that what she feels at a given moment is truth written in stone?
In text she said OM W saw it and wasnt happy. I dont think she knew, so either she did and was tired of them texting or more likely the text was inappropriate (regardless of what W told D in text) and it was still going on with him.
So she has me stating I dont want her talking to him and now his wife, so she now will never let him go in her mind.
I need to go to bed, or I will open my stupid mouth.
Don't open it. AND JP, don't get amnesia.
You are in no position to judge your w's present behavior.
You don't have to like it or accept it. But you are in NO position to comment upon it or judge it.
Back off and stop snooping....for real.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Your right 25 I am in no position to judge her. This is how selfish I am. After all I have done or not done I only see how poor up is hurting.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
