glad to hear you out there today- hope your day is going okay. sad for your bad start. i've been gardening- yanking weeds and digging and cutting and so on (sometimes cursing -in my head) and burning off the - well, crappola in life.
relatively okay mood- sorry tohear you are blue. THE OTHER DAY you had said something about your anniversary coming and i realized with a shock that i'd forgotten totally that we always celebrated our "not" anniversary in beginning of may, when we moved in together allllllllllllllllllllllllll those years ago. it went by and i didn't even remember - not one stinking thought. what a bum i've become. HOWEVER- IN KEEPING with my new m.o.- too darn bad. i used to be so nice and thoughtful.
i'm FROM NEW JER5SEY- WE'RE SNARKY AS WELL. sarcasm- well, what can one say. it covers SOOOO MUCH. it's who we are- we're wiseguys a bit- it's part of our charm - rite??? who wants a sweet ole sugarpie sitting there all the time adoringly- eeeek....
you're very pensive today- and i share your quandry. i may not have four kids - and i may not in fact be married- but i was once- my level of commitment and devotion is not less. it's paramount in my life- what to do and be now that it is dashed. therein the snaggle - for us all - huh?
soooo easy to say this, decide that, etc.- i agree with you:
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I am the dutiful W, who excused a lot of neglect and loneliness as life in the middle class........ that's craP! I have allowed him to treat me as last on his mind to take time for.
ditto dearie. i bet there are tons of us feeling the same. we even protect and defend them to the world. my h's dad said a few times at a dinner table full of people he never should have had kids- what a jerk...
sometimes i think of that when i wonder how the heck the man i thought was sooooooo great (and i've always had a good instinct with people- well, til now anyway) turned into such a giant putz. when i consider his last comment" you're frreee to come to fla when ever you want as long as you know i'll go "out of town" now and then. " can you die- the selfish pig.
he doesn't get it- if i ever do blow - he'll be such a surprised guy. IT'S A MAN THING- THROW MONEY AT THE PROBLEM AND IT WILL GO AWAY. and if it doesn't go away- don't talk about it( MEANING - DON'T LISTEN TO THE OTHER GUY'S FEELINGS (THAT's waaay to hard when you're the one causing the pain to them) and then it ISN'T THERE. and FOR GOD SAKE - BUY the natives some trinkets nad beads - they will forget you've caused them years and years of pain & hell-
ugg - shiney bead - girl like..... girl feel all better - man soooooo big & brave. me like...
i thnk my h paying the bills kind of puts me exactly where you are (sans verbal expression of my worth - if i have any) - he has the money.
i always thought it was my part of the "bargain" - take care of everything in the world because he works and wins the bread- be loving and nice and understanding, etc.
oh boy- where the heck did i go wrong with that- donna reed anyone???
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What am I going to do? Well isn't that the million dollar question?
i'd say write us all alot of ratty things about h and let him have it - we really do understand. It's "not you really" - it feels good sometimes to just drop the nice girl attitude we were raised with- the one that these guys LOVE - that attracted them - you know, so they could bash our hearts into the ground - lie- cheat and all the while we understand, put good spin on bad behavior- etc.
we can drop it sometimes- even if it's not 'WHO WE ARE" - it feels good to be awful now and then. well- i feel good sometimes to just say alot of horrible things- sometimes it even makes me laugh when i get totally beyond the pale with it- - -
MAYBE HE'LL come home and surprise you- even if it's a memory or a word- one never does know. your h talks at least - fingers crossed.
I AM SAYING TO you - good woman for allll those years of being a great mom and spouse- you deserve a big ole medal- (or something) all of us here appreciate the years of devoted service & love....
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I need to find me...the problem is I don't think she's ready to see the true fallout of this M, that's scary! I am ok for the most part, realistic for the most part, but unsure of where to go from here.
I think it's time to spend some $$$ on calling a coach here and getting some me perspective, and where I am really at in regards to this M.
HEY WOW- that's definitive. i've thought of it a million times- then chicken out. i can't find my own bottom line- and i guess maybe i'm afraid whatever i hear will influence me beyond what ever i feel or think. if they say forget it baby- it's done and done - maybe it might push me into hanging on- I AM SOOOO CONTRARY- I HATE ANYONE PUSHIGN ME AROUND (WHATTA JOKE HUH?) AND i tend to go in the other direction-
OR - IF THEY SAY YOU GOTTA HANG ON- LOOK AT THIS SIGN AND LOOK AT THAT SIGN - and then i'll be thinking- oh man, i have had it- i can't do this anymore.... blah blah blah.
i hope you find your inner girl- mine is , well, lost at the moment.
I did spend a rainuy dreary nite along fri and i was tired and i was alone- but not (gut wrenchingly LONEYLY) I NOTICED. it was a big big "first".
I gardened today and did some chores, and wrote a wise-guy response to my pompous a$$ sister who takes herself soooo serioyuslh- sense of humour returning.
I am going to go cut out some clay & paint when i'm done here- something or another is perking along and i'm becoming a bit more of who i was.
DAWN- YOU'RE AN amazing little gal- you say things that bowl me over sometimes- the insight and the "right on point" . i know what you're feeling- i wish i could fix it. you'll find you- you'll find your way.
it's frustrating to WAIT AND WAIT AND WAIT... but THAT's the whole db "thing" isn't it? have patience, wait, wait on them to get thru their journey (if possible) because you can't fix it, them, anything.
it's the hardest thing in the world - to NOT do anything in the face of allll this trouble & pain....
your strength has been soooo inspiring to us all - and saved me more than once-
be of good cheer- there will be an end someday- and it will be the proper & correct end for you- whether with h or without- YOU SAID IT YOURSELF
SIT QUIETLY AND WISDOM WILL COME. go out in the garden, have some wine or a scone or tea or go to the mall and see some people- buy yourself something pretty for allll the years and tears and all this awful crappola -
you take care of you- it's true- when you value you, others do too. i'm not winning that battle at the moment- but i'm seeing the wisdom- we can do it-
we are soooo worthy of love and respect and ALL OF LIFE'S GOOD THINGS- THEY WILL come again- we just don't get to pick when.
think something positive- look at yourself in the mirror and make you laugh-
