W texted me about this and that and it came to a point to where I said I didn't think we were ready to be together right now. She now is asks:
So per you... what makes us not ready.
Do I be honest and tell her?
NOT until you have posted here and or chatted with a therapist. YOU are not ready btw...maybe nothing to do with HER...but remember that
Some things are better left UNsaid...
This is along the lines of what I was thinking if you want be succinct, jp. Something such as "I realize that *I'm* not ready...that I have a lot of things to work through myself."
You don't want to give her too much, right? Be a little mysterious. Don't lie to her, just don't explain every reasoning for every decision you make. JMO.
jp, the dynamic you and your W have is really REALLY similar to me and XW. Me pulling away to respect her wishes and work on myself sends her reeling. Since you have a W and I have an XW, our approaches might be a little different, but the women seem to be emotionally in the same spot. They're a mess. They say they want one thing, but if you give that to them they seem to break down. They are second guessing their own decisions. They are "sorry" they are dragging us through all this.
They say they need space? Then give them space, even when they change their mind. Giving them space and sticking to it isn't mean or spiteful, it's respecting them and their wishes. They HAVE to figure themselves out, and part of that isn't dragging you along for some crazy ride, ESPECIALLY when dragging you along for the ride makes the ride even crazier.
Let her be. Welcome her openness, but be guarded with your own. Why? Because YOU aren't ready.
If they want space. Give it to them. It's hard...I KNOW. It hurts. It kills me to stand there and watch my XW in pain, but she "needs to be okay on her own" yet somehow "misses me", is depressed, second guessing her decisions, etc.
It isn't easy to step back and watch, but I am respecting her and her wishes by giving her the space that she is now is questioning whether or not she wants. She can be on the roller coaster, but we shoudn't agree to go on it with her.
And yes, it's risky. If W (or XW for me) seems to be reaching out emotionally, our instinct - both as husbands and as people who care about them - is to "help' in that moment and give them what they ask for. But it just sets them back. They'll get mad that they did it and then pull away, and the cycle starts again. So it's risky to not meet their emotional needs because if they find somewhere else to get those needs met, then you fear YOU might not ever be needed again. You fear being replaced and forgotten.
So it's a risk based on a fear, but that's the risk you have to take (or at least the one *I* have to take). She picked you for a reason, and it wasn't because you were weak. So select the right DB strategy for you (and adjust when necessary [ONLY]), but for the most part, just stick to your guns.
I have to respect her consistent actions that ask for space. I have to let her figure herself out. I have to hope that once this happens she might think about me as a possibility again. But until she has gone through what she needs to go through, the reality is that SHE isn't ready either.
But you can't say that.
So tell her the truth, just not all of it. You're not ready because you realize you have a lot of work to do on you.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
