I think you are detaching, but just haven't finished the journey yet. Its a long road, and there are twists and turns. But give yourself time. You've had a lot to deal with in a fairly short time period and I think you are doing really well.
Peace
Me 46 H 56 M 22 yrs S22, D20, Twin Ss18
You teach people how to treat you by what you allow. What you stop. And what you reinforce. ~~~~~~~ A lack of boundaries invites a lack of respect.
I've been NC for two months. I have blocked all contact from H. Prior to that he was only able to contact me via email. He initiated contact about once every couple of weeks. That created anxiety in me. I never knew if he was going to spew at me regarding a D issue, offer money or what. None of the contact was necessary since we both have attorneys. He never contacted me to see how I am or, more importantly, the boys. I was just worn down by it and fearful of the next email. To protect myself and the progress I've made I felt that I needed to block him. I still feel too fragile. I don't know if I did the right thing.
I no longer want to be spewed at or blamed for his perceived breakdown of the marriage. It felt like an ongoing emotional battering. Yes, I have faults. There are things I could have and wish I would have done differently. I have a lot of regrets. I feel like I did a good job of identifying these things early on, apologized for them and asked for forgiveness. Several months ago H spewed at me and accused me of not looking in the mirror. That stung. I had spent many months looking at myself. I have been kind. Why did he feel the need to take that jab at me? I feel bad, but I don't even know why.
To my knowledge H has done no work on himself. He certainly hasn't apologized for anything he's done. That feels bad as well. I don't want to mind read, but it appears that he has the need to keep his reasons for leaving alive. I don't know what else to make of it. He left over 18 months ago and is living the life that he chose. Why does he need to continue to poke at me? Until recently, he was doing it through my attorney since he can't reach me.
I realize that I'm still dealing with the rejection and the lingering trauma of being abandoned with two kids and no way to support myself. I have a long way to go to get through this.
Did I do the right thing by stopping all contact or am I just avoiding him? Should I wait until the D is final before I allow contact again or should I allow it now? I'm afraid of being hurt and H doesn't understand that.
FWIW, I found that my XH used email contact to do all sorts of horrid stuff related to kids and money.
He used it to make demands - that were so outrageous that he probably couldn't do it face-to-face - and used it also to establish some sort of 'record' for later (court) use (this was his way of creating a 'reality' that served his own purpose).
None of the email contact I receive from him is pleasant, nor does it represent any sort of small step forward.
Unlike you, though, I don't have the courage to block him. Or maybe i just fear what would follow - he doesn't take well to being thwarted.
At this stage, he uses email to spew and is relatively pleasant face-to-face, most of the time.
IDK whether stopping ALL contact is a good thing or not. OTOH, it shows them the reality of their choice: we are out of their lives.
OTOH, it does not keep the path home paved and smooth; we are not the 'lighthouse' if they can't see our beacon of light.
Does it have to be all or nothing?
That is, could you accept contact - say, if he phoned you up - and speak to him for as long as he was civil? I was going to say as long as he was 'reasonable', but that would not work at all!
NLW, communicating with my H is very difficult. He has such an intense need to be right. If I have a different opinion then comes "you're crazy" or "you don't know what you're talking about." That's followed by "let me give you an analogy...." When he had been gone for a month or so he started accusing me of being "crazy" and "delusional" because I saw our marriage differently than he did. When we've tried to work out part of the D settlement ourselves it quickly went south as soon as I thought I was entitled to something. He started with all of the belittling comments.
I'm uncomfortable communicating with him. I'm not allowed to think or feel differently then him. If I do he tries to point out why my way is wrong. He puts me on tilt. Until I read The Gaslight Effect I didn't understand what was happening. I started crying during the first chapter. I understood what I had been dealing with and why his behavior left me so broken.
What's amazing is that when I went to him for advice in areas of my life that were unrelated to us he talked to me so differently. He was very helpful and kind and I trusted his judgment. I enjoyed talking to him and knew I could count on him. This is the person others see.
If I were to have contact with my H now than I would have to be willing to agree with everything he says and I don't know that I can do that. I can say "I'm sorry you feel that way" but it won't end there. He will likely keep telling me what's wrong with me. I can't keep taking that emotional battering. I realize that he's unleashing decades of hurt that he's kept stuffed deep down, but I don't know what to do with that. I'm not good at staying steady. I either crumble or fight back. I don't want to do either. Those reactions are more of the same. I know he needs to be heard, but so do I.
That's the long answer, NLW. Our communication patterns upset me. After the last frenzy of emails I blocked him. I know that's not in the DBing spirit or very mature, but I really don't know what else to do. He can't rant at me this way.
GM - fwiw, our sitches have always seem to be similar although you are a lot further along...and I would like to say this to you...focus on you!
I am sorry if that comes off harsh, but I hear myself a lot in your post, but the difference is, I hope that I will be a lot further along in 18 months than you seem to be. But please know, I am not judging you, everyone works on thier on timeline...just something to think about.
If going no contact is for you and not about punishing H, then I say do it. I go back and forth with no contact and being dim....but you know what, I choose for me, and not because of H or anything he is doing or not doing.
GM - look how long you have "lasted" in an impossible situation. You have been making it on your own for you and the boys for some time now. And while it may not have been what you wanted or imagined, you have been doing it none the less. I am proud of you in this regard, and strive to be able to do that in my sitch too.
Focusing on you will really get you through this....and the more you do, the less the other things seem.
GM, be an inspiration to you and your boys. You can do this girl! So, what will you do tomorrow, just for you? Even if it is small, try to make this a daily goal of yours.
(((((GM))))) - good night!
BombOctober 2012- OW 11/28/12 -H still denies Separated 11/29/12 Own place 12/12/12 Confessed OW/EA/PA 2/2/13 Oct 2013 - I knew I was done Jan 2014 - Anticipating the rest of my life
B, I sincerely hope that 18 post-BD you are further along also. This isn't where I thought I would be at this point. The speed of healing has a lot to due with the length of the marriage, old emotional wounds that are triggered, how the M ended and the D process, to name a few. I remember sitting in a Divorce Care class a month after my H left and was astounded that the majority of the people there were years beyond their Ds, but the pain lingered due to continued issues with finances, kids, etc. I thought, there is no way that I'll be one of them. Well, I didn't quite get it then. I do now. Healing can take a long time, if done well and thoroughly. If your self-esteem was intact at BD you very well may heal at a much quicker pace. I sure hope so.
Hey GM. I could give you all of my usual DBesque and personal development thoughts that I wanted. At the end of the day, it seems that some of us just don't hear the end of it.
We've all heard the saying, "Don't go away mad, just go away." Somehow, our spouses choose the former. They wanted us to go away, yet they just won't stop.
That's one of the things I am still coming to terms with. Truly, I think that with the amount of spew that still comes from my stbx, I must have been the most horrible person in the world. And I wonder, of all the examples of proof that my friends can give me that I AM a good guy, it somehow pales in comparison to what I have received negatively from stbx.
That said, I had been unable to communicate with my stbx. This is a bit of a vent. She still thinks we're co-parenting, when the only thing I ever hear from her about the kids, is when I get a message saying I owe money for something she spent money on regarding the kids, without letting me know in advance. They can be valid or quasi valid items like glasses (without discussing first; the only way I knew glasses were necessary was from comm with kid) to bday gifts to youngest's friends, which I didn't even know she attended. The point being, it's all still assertions without discussion. As you mentioned, more of the same. This being a pattern throughout our M, stbx making executive decisions on most things, without prior discussion.
Finally, the only method of comm that worked for me, was email. Even that was tragic contact. But I never blocked stbx. And eventually, while I still get anxious with any email from her (in the form of, "oh geeze, what now"; which is pretty much every case once I see the content), it has become easier as I've been detaching.
Blocking is really a form of "dark" or N/C. Eventually, detaching will help you. You can use his inbound email to test your level of detachment. You likely still have a ways to go to be detached. I certainly know what that's like. I'm sure others do, as well. You can't control his spew. You can control your triggers / buttons. Try working on that.
I do not know whether it is reassuring or disturbing to learn just how many people have the same issues with their MLC spouses.
Mine was a spewer, First Class - all sorts of phrases jumped off the page at me 'He has to be right', 'he never calls to see how I am or the kids' 'She still thinks she co-parents our kids'.
Central scripting is still on the case for these people. 7+ years on my xh remains in MLC. I do not think it would have made any difference (although of course I will never know) if I had remained in regular contact or had these long periods of no contact. I did block his emails for a time.
I had sporadic contact for a time again in the last 18 months, and initially he was pleasant, if strange, but he is back to being defensive and somewhat abusive.
Snodderly reminds us, we didn't break them and we cannot fix them' We really need to focus on ourselves, and not expect them to wake up and realise what they have done and how they behaved )if they can remember, which most of them can't).
So do what is best for you. As you get stronger you may be able to deal with the contact. I felt it was like dog training - if they spewed they didn't have contact. eventually my xh got it, to some extent. He is currently having time out for being out of order [again - sigh!] Clearly most of them exhibit a degree of needing to remain in contact with us to some extent, but it has to be on our terms, not theirs.
KD, like your STBX I, too, made a lot of unilateral decisions about the kids and home. That was something that my H brought up. I gave serious thought to that. It wasn't always like that. I deferred to him often, but he basically threw everything back at me to handle. Once I stop working everything on the homefront was my "job." H's day ended, but mine never did. I was busy multi-tasking from sun up, til sun down. I didn't get help from H. He would watch tv in the evening while I was busy cleaning up from dinner, bathing the kids, etc. My work was never done. Seriously, what kind of man lets/expects their wife to do it all alone and then blames her because he's uninvolved. The lack of R that my H has with the boys says it all. It's amazing to me that he left to find his manhood, yet he's less of a man (in my eyes) than he was before. No self-respecting man would leave a wife and kids on their own while he parties, dates, etc. I can't imagine how he faces himself each day knowing what a failure he really is. He can lie to those he has selected to be in his inner circle, but he knows who he really is.
Clearly, my H is a fragile person without a strong sense of himself. His need to continue spewing at me tells me that. Again, he certainly can't feel more manly by constantly berating me. An evolved, strong man protects a woman's heart. I'm still the mother of his children after all.
Whew! I'm sorry about the rant. I really needed to get that out. I've been so focused on being loving and kind that the hurt feelings have festered.
I truly hope my H can face what's troubling him. When that starts to happen maybe communication will improve. Until then, I will continue working on detaching. It is so very hard to totally disconnect from someone that has known me intimately for more than half of my life. There were events that only he was present for like the birth of our boys. It's just very sad.
