Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I'm so grateful that I can come here and write about how I really feel. I know someone will always come along with encouragement.
BM, yes I am definitely dealing with an addict - a gambler, not a drug addict, at least that I know of. I'm sure Al Anon is very helpful in both situations. Thank you for reminding me that this is about him. I do forget that.
NLW, I can relate to your situation as well. It's amazing to me that your XH spends money frivolously while you and the kids continue to struggle. My H does the same and wonders why the boys are fed up with him. It hurts them to see and feel his indifference. The boys remember the ways he was loving and the effort he made to do special things with them. Those memories are painful. To them it very much feels like their Dad died, but H believes he's the same. That has caused the disconnect.
I am so desperate to have this settlement done so that I have control of my life. At the same time I feel very sad about the impending D. This mix of feelings is disorienting. Am I detaching and healing or not? I don't have any contact with my H (my choice), yet I sleep with my wedding ring under my pillow. I am frustrated and disgusted by his behavior, but I still miss what was good about him and our M. It appears that I've let go and moved on, but secretly I haven't. Only you DBers know what's in my heart.
The boys and I spent the afternoon at the beach. It is always good for my soul to be near the ocean. I could walk along the shore for hours. As I walk, I pray and am deep in thought. It's meditative. It's hard to re-engage again.
