I feel emotionally battered by H and the D process. I can't stop crying from the stress of this. I am trying to feel optimistic about my meeting with the new attorney, but I just don't. I actually feel quite hopeless. I feel sick about turning over money for the retainer. It's all such a waste. I feel bitter and pray it's just temporary. I don't want to feel this way.
I understand how you feel. This is a very very difficult thing we are going through and you did nothing to deserve this, you did everything you could to prevent this.
Please try an Alanon meeting it will help. Alanon says when you have difficult meetings or appointments you should bookend the meeting with positive phone calls or Alanon meetings.
I know it is such a waste, what they are doing. Such a waste. But its our job as a mom to turn lemons into lemonade. You can do it. Dont give up, you are doing it for them. Your kids love you not your money.
Think about how many great days are ahead of us and our kids - graduations, weddings, love and children. They have so much great stuff ahead of them show them a happy way to get through the tough times.
"The only way through hell is through" or something like that
---- M 39 H 35 D5,D4 M 4 T 9 ILYBNILWY 5/18/11 Left 7/11/11 Divorced 12/1/13
This morning I've been replaying all of the things my H has said since BD. His excuses for leaving and justification have changed considerably.
1. I just want peace and happiness 2. I need to figure out why I'm so difficult to live with. 3. You deserve to be happy. 4. I'll probably only live for 5 more years and you'll live for 25 5. ILYBINILWY 6. You'll probably get married again in two years. 7. When I left I decided I would never put the boys first again. I did that for years and I was unhappy. 8. I don't believe people can change. 9. I had to leave. 10. I won't come back until I believe things will be different. 11. I don't want to give the boys false hope. 12. 50% of M end in D so why am I the bad guy? 13. It's your fault the boys don't have a Dad at home. 14. You are a wonderful person and didn't deserve any of this. 15. It was never my intention that you and the boys suffer. Please ask me if you ever need anything. 16. Let's just move on.
Most recently
17. You are a great person and a great mom. The boys belong with you. 18. We grew apart due to financial pressure.
He seems content to settle on the last statement. With that acceptance he never has to look at his contributions nor does he continue to blame, both would cause him pain. So, in his mind, marriages die when there is financial strain and there isn't anything you can do except leave and pursue D, even if that means hurting your kids, creating legal problems and more financial strain. I just don't understand.
Since he's left I starting working full-time, we have paid off huge debt and the housing market has rebounded, giving us considerable equity. We could be living very comfortably. More importantly, we could give the boys and ourselves the security and joy of an intact family. But none of that matters. H is demanding the D be final and it will be within weeks if a settlement is reached which includes termination of the M.
Please help me make sense of this. It all seems so tragic. I know I need to accept it, but I still want a miracle.
GM, There is no way to rationalize w/him about things. He's made up his mind that the only way to be happy and have no responsiblities is to get a divorce. I understand all too well how you feel. My xh was hell bent on a divorce from the day he walked out the second time. He had it all and our finances were in good shape. However, he told he that he might be making the biggest mistake of his life, but he had to do this right now. I guess doing this meant divorce of dabbling w/Twinkle Twat Ho.
Some will wake up just before the divorce is final and others will see it through, only to get so euphoric after the papers are filed (for about 6-9 months) and then years later come to realize what they've done and try to reconnect on some level. Others will ride off into the sunset, never to be heard from again except at holiday times.
GM, I hope that your h will wake up and realize what a wonderful wife, family and home he had. He has so much to lose in all of this. Please take care of yourself.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thank you, snodderly. My H absolutely will not consider that his gambling contributed greatly to our financial strain. In his mind he is a great poker player (delusional thinking) so it's because I was a SAHM that issues developed. Within four months of him leaving I returned to the field that I left and am making a pretty good income. But that wasn't enough for him. He's never thanked me once considering my working reduces the amount he pays for support and provides a better life for the boys. In his words, too little, too late. Is this his way of keeping justification alive? He doesn't seem to find any other fault with me. It seems he must hold on to being right even if it costs him emotionally. He continues to convince himself that the boys will be fine and that "once the dust settles" their relationship will be back on track. Looking back, I can't think of a time when he apologized or felt he was wrong, so why am I so surprised?
He's not thinking about what you have had to give up or do to survive. It's all about him, what he can get and how much money he has to play with.
I think you are are surprised because you have been expecting something from him Keep your expectations at zero at all times. He's got absolutely nothing to give you oar the kids right now because he's so full of himself that he can see 10 inches in front of him.
Do what you need to do to keep you and the boys happy, healthy and living comfortably.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
You're right, snodderly. I have grown so much, but my H likely hasn't, at least not in a way that would make this situation any better. I keep thinking that he should be able to see things clearly now, but that hasn't been his goal or focus.
He and I are so different. He bails, I cope. He's pessimistic (things will never get better), I'm optimistic (things always get better, though lately I've struggled with this). He thinks of himself, I think of others.
His thinking about the house frustrate me. When the market went south he wanted to sell, fearing it would only get worse. We didn't have enough equity to cover the realtor's costs, but he was willing to pay the difference. I felt differently. I believed the market would turn around. Plus, rent in our area is ridiculously high, so I didn't see that as an option. It was important to me to maintain our family home. My H sees this as my happiness being tied to a material item. He still believes I should sell the house, but he refuses to see that rent is more than the mortgage, it's a waste of money and there's no write-off. So, being levelheaded paid off. There is over $100k in equity based on current comps. My H wants half. It's funny how he's never thanked me for my sound judgement or my willingness to continue to pay the mortgage so the boys could have stability. He's only come up with a ridiculous scenario (he decided he had to find a way to convince simple minded me why he was now entitled to half the equity even though a year go he made it clear that he would no longer be liable for anymore losses) which started out "Let's say a couple walked into a casino...." We'll, he lost me right there.
GM, You said: "Please help me make sense of this. It all seems so tragic. I know I need to accept it, but I still want a miracle."
I can't offer anything by way of an explanation - other than to say that the things that have happened to me, and the behaviour and talk of my XH are so very similar to what you are going through.
The only explanation that makes any sense is MLC.
And that doesn't provide much comfort, I know.
Hope it helps to know that we are all here for you, all around the world, connected by our courage in keeping going in these tough circumstances.
Take heart from all of us, out here in the ether, walking with you, as it were. Best, NLW
Thank you all for your kind and supportive responses. I'm so grateful that I can come here and write about how I really feel. I know someone will always come along with encouragement.
BM, yes I am definitely dealing with an addict - a gambler, not a drug addict, at least that I know of. I'm sure Al Anon is very helpful in both situations. Thank you for reminding me that this is about him. I do forget that.
NLW, I can relate to your situation as well. It's amazing to me that your XH spends money frivolously while you and the kids continue to struggle. My H does the same and wonders why the boys are fed up with him. It hurts them to see and feel his indifference. The boys remember the ways he was loving and the effort he made to do special things with them. Those memories are painful. To them it very much feels like their Dad died, but H believes he's the same. That has caused the disconnect.
I am so desperate to have this settlement done so that I have control of my life. At the same time I feel very sad about the impending D. This mix of feelings is disorienting. Am I detaching and healing or not? I don't have any contact with my H (my choice), yet I sleep with my wedding ring under my pillow. I am frustrated and disgusted by his behavior, but I still miss what was good about him and our M. It appears that I've let go and moved on, but secretly I haven't. Only you DBers know what's in my heart.
The boys and I spent the afternoon at the beach. It is always good for my soul to be near the ocean. I could walk along the shore for hours. As I walk, I pray and am deep in thought. It's meditative. It's hard to re-engage again.
