My world got turned upside down

[Limbowife]

Hi BRNR, Linda ,and Bluedown. Thanks so much for stopping to check on me. H stopped over to get his mail and talk with our S. H asked me if he could talk with me a minute. H said what were my ulterior motives for being "so nice and not hating me? You should be sooo mad by now..why aren't you? You think by you acting like this it is going to save"your" marriage or make me give up my girlfriend..because it is not going to work." Whenever he says my girlfriend it cuts me like a knife. I just kind of sighed and said I didn't know what the rules were for this because I had never been thru it. H said " well this is a separation and I am not coming home so get used to that." H then went on to say about when I was getting a job and I needed to start paying some of the bills. I told him I was putting in applications and waiting to hear from SS. H has been paying the bills for the most part but giving me no money at all for food or other things. My daughter has been using her money for household things we need and we were able to get a small amount from JFS for food. I am just so hurt and confused by him. Then after all this he asked if I wanted to sit on the porch for awhile. Uuuuuuugggghhhh. Since he left all I have done is cry and go over all the things I seem to have done wrong in the M. If I had done things right he wouldn't be acting like this or treating me this way. And the really messed up part is all I want to do is help him get thru this and find his way back. I want to stand up for OUR M and DB so bad but what if I am not strong enough?? I feel so worthless and can't figure out why he hates me so bad. I am sooo sorry to be like this. I really am trying or at least I think I am. I am going to go get a giant cold glass of iced tea and do some reading up on here. Feel like it's going to be a long night.
L

[Limbowife]

H stopped by this morning to do some stuff in the garage. I was working in the yard and he asked if he could get a cold drink and I said fine. He was acting so happy and even whistling. H has never whistled the whole time I have known him. I look like a field hand because I am doing yard work and he had just gotten a shower and was in clean clothes. H then said he couldn't stay as he was heading up to xx which is different from the town we live in and where JW lives. I thought I was going to vomit. H then proceeded to tell me he was thinking of getting a new doctor in xx because it would be so much more convenient for him. We have had the same family doctor for 20 years. I said that seems kind of drastic doesn't it. His reply was he needs to start thinking about himself more. Oh like that isn't what you HAVE been doing?? So he was Mr. Happy because he gets to go spend his Sunday with JW. We used to spend our Sundays at church then doing yard stuff together. I know I am feeling sorry for myself...I just can't shake it the last few days or more. I did tell him that from now on not to call her " his girlfriend" in front of me. H seemed shocked when I said that. I said if he was going to say that then I got to say the junkie whore. I know,I know that was the wrong thing to say but it came out. I am tired of feeling so sad,abandoned, and lonely. What if I am not able to do what I want and stand??? What if I am just too weak to do it?? Thanks for listening to me ramble. I hate it that I love him so much...I don't think I deserve to be treated like this but it appears that it's fine with H.

[Limbowife]

Back again... I don't know if I mentioned it or not but the JW appears to be such a sainted woman. She told H not too leave his family or tell me about her and that they would have their weekends just for them and H said no he was too miserable and had to get out. Now it can be all about them. Where has my hope gone?? One day I had it and knew I wanted to stand and do this and now it feels like I am right back where I started. I sound so whiny and needy and I cannot stop crying. I thought about writing him a letter and telling him how I really feel but in the beginning I did that and it had no effect whatsoever on him. But since I know about the JW now I have lots more to say. I know that it the last thing I should do right?? I just want him to feel some of this hurt that I am. I need to get s ome kind of grip and I think I had one and lost it....going to go get busy and clean the kitchen from top to bottom and quit crying. Now I have a crying headache....have a good night all and thanks for letting me rant like a maniac. L

[RosaLinda]

I love to write letters and emails to both my H and his Tramp, Limbo, but really regretted it the few times I actually sent one. I still write them incessantly -- begging, nasty, loving or cruel letters -- but don't send them. They make me feel a lot better! I wrote a doozy of an email to the Russian Tramp this morning. I wrote that I had been diagnosed with an STD, and advised her to get checked out. I said that I had not cheated on him, therefore she gave it to him or he's cheating on both of us. A pack of lies, and I'll never send it, but it cheered me up!!

Snooderly just gave me some great advice on dealing with my husband and the Tramp. I sent it to TVS, and will be equally helpful for you in dealing with the Sainted Junkie. 

"Your mlcer will wake up on his own time clock. There are a few that will wake up because of a precipitating event, but eventually, they will go back into mlc because their journey wasn't over. You see, once the crisis begins, it has to run it's full course or it will come back to haunt them again. We caution posters not to force an event or snatch them out of their crisis. Why? Because when they do re-enter MLC land, it will be far worse than the last time. It's better to leave them alone and allow them to bake up fully on their on time clock.

Most affairs will die a natural death if we leave them to it. The more you point out the things that Tart is doing, the more he will be inclined to protect her and want to be w/her."

[Bluedown]

Limbowife..... I can feel your pain as I read your post.
Rough day for me as well... Hang in there, you're not alone.

[Limbowife]

Thanks Linda ans Bluedown. Sorry you are having a rough day too Blue. Thanks Linda for the advice from Snodderly. I am going to keep reading it so it sticks in my mind. I just keep thinking what if he doesn't wake up from this MLC nightmare?? Then what...and I know how much it makes H crazy that I call her the JW so I will just scream it in my head- not out loud to him. I just wish he could hear himself and hear how insane he sounds. I keep thinking when JW realizes she has went thru all his money she will move on. Or that she will relapse. Is that awful for me to think that?? Because he has nothing left to sell to get her more rehab money. H had said that just because I know now that he WILL NOT stop helping her out. All I said was don't you think your children should come before her?? So I have some hope now that this thing will run it's course between them. Thanks from the bott on of my heart for being here and listening to the ramblings of a big whiny crybaby.

[RosaLinda]

" I just keep thinking what if he doesn't wake up from this MLC nightmare?? Then what...and I know how much it makes H crazy that I call her the JW so I will just scream it in my head- not out loud to him. I just wish he could hear himself and hear how insane he sounds. I keep thinking when JW realizes she has went thru all his money she will move on. Or that she will relapse. Is that awful for me to think that?? Because he has nothing left to sell to get her more rehab money. H had said that just because I know now that he WILL NOT stop helping her out. All I said was don't you think your children should come before her?? So I have some hope now that this thing will run it's course between them. Thanks from the bott on of my heart for being here and listening to the ramblings of a big whiny crybaby."

First, you are neither whiny nor a crybaby, Limbo. If you want to see a crybaby, just wait to see how your H acts when the JW drops him like a lot potato when she realizes she cannot get any more money from him. Ha! I can't wait!

You know this will happen eventually. I know it about my sitch too, that the Russian Tramp will drop my H when she realizes he has zero chance of getting her a green card. But I think your H is just honestly deluded by the hope he can rescue the Junkie. But my H knows he cannot give the Tramp what she wants, he is the one who told ME. He is just leading her on. Not nice

Snodderly rocks, doesn't she? I will follow her advice also, and will  make all my disparaging remarks about the Tramp to myself, not aloud to my H. And boy oh boy, I have a LOT of nasty things to say about her. 

Hang in there! You cannot see it, but you are doing great!

[AnotherStander]

H said what were my ulterior motives for being "so nice and not hating me? You should be sooo mad by now..why aren't you? You think by you acting like this it is going to save"your" marriage or make me give up my girlfriend..because it is not going to work."

It's actually pretty common for the WAS to resent the LBS and get angry at them over their changes. In their mind they've already mapped out how everything will go and part of that is that the LBS is supposed to get angry and hateful which makes the WAS's job easier because it allows them to feel justified in what they've done. So when the LBS instead shows remorse for their actions and actually does 180's on their wrongs, it leaves the WAS with no ammo. The WAS will often do mean things to try and make the LBS angry, so when you see that, recognize it for what it is and don't react to it.

I just kind of sighed and said I didn't know what the rules were for this because I had never been thru it.

In the future try "you've helped me to realize I had flaws, and I am committed to bettering myself. So these changes you see, I am doing them for myself, to become a better person." The WAS thinks that when they see changes they are just tricks the LBS is using to attempt to lure the WAS back. The WAS has to see many months of consistent changes before they'll start to believe they are real and not just tricks.

So sorry you're going through this, but this crazy stuff your H is doing is actually not uncommon. Just stick to your DB'ing, it's your way through the madness!

[jp787]

Limbowife,

I think it is great that you can be strong in front of your H when he comes over.

If there are time when it is too much would it be possible for you to leave, like to go on a a walk or to a friends or store or something?

It sure seems he is pushing to get a reaction from you.

Hang in there!

[Verum]

I did tell him that from now on not to call her " his girlfriend" in front of me. H seemed shocked when I said that. I said if he was going to say that then I got to say the junkie whore.

I think it is fine to set a boundary like this and be firm but not nasty about it. Tell him that you will not discuss the OW with him.

I know,I know that was the wrong thing to say but it came out. I am tired of feeling so sad,abandoned, and lonely. What if I am not able to do what I want and stand??? What if I am just too weak to do it?? Thanks for listening to me ramble. I hate it that I love him so much...I don't think I deserve to be treated like this but it appears that it's fine with H.

I think we all feel like this. Hang in there. And no you don't deserve to be treated like that, and one day he may feel guilty for treating you like this, but it is not something to count on -- he may never apologize. I would love for my W to apologize for some of the suff she did and said, but I doubt she ever will. I wonder if she even recalls what she said sometimes?