I'm going to not let myself go crazily insane. Whatever happens, happens. I'm going to GAL in the morning & take my girls swimming in the afternoon. When H returns home l will act as if & hopefully it works. Hopefully H won't even know how crappy I've been today. I'm gonna put on my best face & go with it.
Just giving myself a pep talk! I can do this!
Going to spend some good quality time with my girls until they go to bed & then try to myself. I'm completely drained from all the crying & emotions today. I for sure need some sleep.
Haven't had the urge to text in over an hour! Baby steps right?
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
I want to feel wanted. I want to correspond with him so in some way it will tell me he cares.
That is really honest. It's the emotional core of everything you have been experiencing today. Magnified by the fact that it's your anniversary.
You've done REALLY WELL at getting through today. Look!!! It's almost 6:30pm! You are doing great!
You can never have too much mexican food! Take the D's to dinner. Talk to them about your plans tomorrow. Keep busy and then it's bed time.
No expectations for tomorrow. No fears of "what if's" in your head.
"As If" if the most fabulous tool we have isn't it? It provides us so much protection from our own internal crazy. I think of it as "holding my own hand" in the face of fear.
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Looks like I'm going to need to start a new thread soon...I'll get on that in the morning.
Went to dinner & MIL called. She asked if the girls could spend the night. I couldn't stand to tell them no. So, here I am home alone with my thoughts. This has me contemplating bed very soon.
I think my pep talk is wearing off. Boo. I've prayed so much today, it's crazy. I had a prayer partner at church tell me a couple of weeks back that on bad days for her she says 100's of prayers day sometimes. She said when her mind starts taking over & she sees herself going where she knows she has no business going she prays. I tried this today. Along with coming here to post I think it's helped me. Sometimes just a 3-4 word sentance.
The power of prayer is pretty amazing. I can say since BD I have definitely become more one with my faith.
Being pregnat is sometimes scary. To think about what is happening right inside of me, man. And I've got 2 this time! I know I'm going completely random right now, but I don't want to be alone. So, you all are just going to have to keep on reading.
RT, Dallas is a little more than 3 hours from me. I almost drove there just to drive somewhere earlier this week. On Wednesday. I was off of work & I had just found out about H returning on Saturday & didn't know what to do. I ended up sleeping for 6 hours that afternoon.
T-my BIL & his W live in Tulsa. They love it there. It's a pretty cool city. Not too far from me, so we get to see them often. My his wife is awesome, he is too. I know it's weird, but they are actually 2 people that know about my sitch...even the pregnancy & the twins. She texts me about every 2 days or so with inspiration or just to touch base. I love it. She has never once asked me of things are ok or how I'm doing. She lets me reach out to her in those moments. My BIL will randomly email me to check in. It's cute. They both have told me many of times that they are here for me & the girls. It makes me sad for my H. But they know as much as I do that he is not right right now. His brother hurts so bad for him. He wants him to let it all out to somebody, but H refuses C & says he doesn't want to be judged by a chaplain or pastor.
RT-also, your right. That statement I made about wanting to be wanted was brutally honest. When I read it back it hit me to the core. I think that's the first time I've admitted that 'out loud'. It makes me feel like I am weak & I don't like that.
I think I may go to Braum's. All I've done is eat today. Dang Bueno, started it all.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
You are blessed with your in-laws. Mine check in on me too. There's some validation in that isn't there?
Prayer. Talking and listening to God has brought me so far! I have a great devotional app on my phone. One that I received recently was a Proverb that has been helpful many days when I thought I was going to lose it on my W! It reads:
"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands"
I just connect to that some days.
The desire to be wanted is not weak. We all have it at some level. It's a human emotion. The lesson for me as a LBS is to not let that need define me or influence my decisions on this journey.
I vote for Braum's! Your little Bueno trip today turned me into a junk food craving junkie too! I just finished my day with a Sonic cheeseburger all the way, chili cheese fries and a large coke. HA!!! Sooo worth tomorrow's major calorie deficit!
I hope you are able to rest well tonight. My plan is a bath and a book. I'm headed that way.
Tomorrow will be fine. No expectations. You can do it!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
I had a double dip of chocolate almod on a waffle cone! It was yummy!
Off to bed. Tomorrow is a new day.
"A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands" That right there says it perfect. I'm not going to be that foolish woman-no way, no how.
Good night, in_it.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
Hey girl! Thinking of you today. You got this!! "As If" is not a technique... it's your reality. You will be fine. On tomorrow's outing, show him a person he would be a fool to leave.
((((BIGhugs)))))
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
Hi! Been swimming all day with the girls. We had a blast.
H texted me this morning & told me when he's be home. His flight lands in 2 hours. Getting a little nervous for his return. I have this eerie feeling that he is going to tell me he is leaving. He won't be able to up & move to OW's state. He would have to go to his mom's. She is on team in_it, so that may help me. He would without a doubt be uncomfortable there. That could help me or hurt me. I'm thinking it could make him want to get to other state even faster.
My parents are coming to town on Monday. I'm going to ask my dad for some money to see my L. There are some legal questions I have about seperation & want to protect our assets & money if he does leave. We can't D in our state while I'm preggers, but if leaves he I want to make sure I can still maintain our home.
Also fighting the urges once again to tell OW that I'm pregnant. I know this is me wanting to shake up his double life, but I know it will hurt me if I was to do so. It's very hard to get these thoughts out of my head.
Turning on my "as if" now so I'll be ready for his return. Wish me luck.
M 34 H 35 D 7 D 6 M 10 T 14 Pregnant w/ boy/girl twins-due 12/2013 BD 12/15/12
You are right where you should be... processing, learning, and doing a hell of a job! I'm super proud of you!
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
