Wild Horses (couldn't drag me away)

[MrBond]

"So I'm not sure how to proceed. Do I acknowledge that I found it? Bring up the subject without acknowledging the email? "

No you don't say anything. You just be there for her and find a way to increase the trust between the two of you.

[job]

FY,
I agree w/Mr. Bond. When she's ready to talk about it, she'll turn to you for a shoulder to lean on and as a sounding board.

[uRworthy]

Hey Fy, thinking of you and hoping you are ok.

[ForeverYoung]

Thank you so much everyone for the quick and caring responses.

W's email revelation reminded me of how horrible I feel for my actions on that night in March last year. It truly hurts me to think that I have inflicted such lasting pain on the one I love the most. I hoped time, combined with my actions over the last 15 months would have healed this wound, but it doesn't sound like it has. Some say professional help will be required to fix this. Do you think this is true?

In a way, the revelation of this email may help me to stand, because it makes it easier for me to focus on her needs, (healing, feeling comfortable enough to trust) instead of my pain.

It also makes it easier to understand why she probably doesn't have an OM.

I have not brought up the incident since the first week after BD. Thanks to the consensus from all you fine folks here, I will continue to stick to this plan while being the best H I can be.

Gosh I love my girl and hope we can make it through this.

[RosaLinda]

"W's email revelation reminded me of how horrible I feel for my actions on that night in March last year. It truly hurts me to think that I have inflicted such lasting pain on the one I love the most. I hoped time, combined with my actions over the last 15 months would have healed this wound, but it doesn't sound like it has. Some say professional help will be required to fix this. Do you think this is true?"

You poor man. Yes, you tried to take advantage of your W when you were both drunk, but the greater psychological pain was caused by her brother when she was a little kid. When I was in law school, I did an internship with the DA working as a sexual assault nurse, and the most horrific thing to me was the physical and emotional pain inflicted on the youngest victims, generally by a trusted and loved relative. This is the nightmare your W needs professional help to fix. I think (my opinion only) that if she gets help dealing with that long ago horror, she'll be better able to understand and forgive this more recent incident that looms so horrible in her memory and imagination, but probably was nothing like she "remembers" at all. 

"In a way, the revelation of this email may help me to stand, because it makes it easier for me to focus on her needs, (healing, feeling comfortable enough to trust) instead of my pain. 

It also makes it easier to understand why she probably doesn't have an OM. 

I have not brought up the incident since the first week after BD. Thanks to the consensus from all you fine folks here, I will continue to stick to this plan while being the best H I can be."

You're a good man. We all admire your fortitude so much. FY, I'm flabbergasted sometimes when my H spews some particularly hurtful BS, and I think this is it, this time he's leaving me for the RT OW for sure, but then the next morning he's chattering away like nothing happened. I'm glad for your sake that your W is acting pretty normal, happy even, and that this glimpse into her pain will help you stand a bit more easily. 

[Cadet]

It also makes it easier to understand why she probably doesn't have an OM.

This is MHO about this and why some have OM's / OW's and others don't.

MLC is about returning to an age in their childhood where something has gone wrong and fixing it and then proceeding on with life.

So some go back to teenage years and some go back to an even earlier time.

Look what you wrote

My W's older brother took sexual advantage of her when she was about 10-11 years old.

So I suspect she has gone back to this time to FIX this.

Some with go back to
Infancy(0-2) - learning Trust vs MisTrust
Toddler(2-3) - Autonomy vs Shame and Doubt
PreSchool(3-5)- Initiative vs Guilt
Pre Adolescent(5-preteens) - Industry vs Inferiority

after puberty they could be
Teens(13-20) - Identity vs Role Confusion
Young Adults(20-30) - Intamcy vs Isolation.

This is taken from Erikson's Stages of Human Development.

ForeverYong this is all well before you even may have known her.
She must resolve this herself, and there is nothing you can really do to help.
Except to have understanding and to give her SPACE.

Hope this helps someone.

[ForeverYoung]

I think (my opinion only) that if she gets help dealing with that long ago horror, she'll be better able to understand and forgive this more recent incident that looms so horrible in her memory and imagination, but probably was nothing like she "remembers" at all.

Last summer while on a walk together, I was able to ask her about her feelings on the older brother abuse situation. She basically passed it off as brother was just a dumb kid, (he was 15-16) doing what kids will do. It didn't seem to bother her that much, not like she was agonizing over it or anything. ???

A question for all: If the childhood SA is still an issue, will W require professional help to heal?

You're a good man. We all admire your fortitude so much.

Thank you for your kind words of support Linda, I'm doing my best!



 

[uRworthy]

FY, first of all, I have been keeping you and your wife in my prayers.

You are indeed and extraordinary man.

And in my opinion, yes, I think she needs professional help for this.

She probably acted that way when talking about it as a defense mechanism.

I do hope she reaches out for help.

[ForeverYoung]

Thanks for the info Cadet. The whole going back to childhood thing seems so unreal to me.

This morning W and I ran a 5k with my Lil sis and Mom. Dad was there too, but didn't run. There were a few uncomfortable moments, but overall everyone had a great time. I won a silver medal for my age group! We've been doing this event every year for 5 years now. This year went much better than last.

W and coworker/friend J, took an informal count and decided that %30 of their department is on some sort of AD drugs because of problems in their life! While telling me about everyone's personal issues, W again admitted that she too is "messed up", but seems to be handling it better than some of the others. She's never been on AD drugs.

J is going through a break up with his BF. He is wallowing in depression and W has been helping him get through it. He was gong to skip attending a wedding he was invited to (for two women) because he was agonizing that he had no one to take with him. W, knowing it would be good for him to get out, offered to be his "date". He was very grateful.

So, my wife is at a gay wedding, escorting her gay man friend! We both were laughing about this while discussing it this morning. Should she wear her wedding ring? What if she gets hit on? When we see each other tonight, she will tell me all about it, and probably show me pics. I dare anyone to top that story!

I met up with my best buddy for lunch, and we discussed my sitch. He is the only one who I've confided in, and he truly gets it. Offers great advice and support. After lunch we went for a 9 mile bike ride together.

Bust On you all!

[ForeverYoung]

FY, first of all, I have been keeping you and your wife in my prayers.

You are indeed and extraordinary man.

Thank you so much.

And in my opinion, yes, I think she needs professional help for this.

She probably acted that way when talking about it as a defense mechanism.

I do hope she reaches out for help.

Ugh. And I can't/shouldn't approach the subject again?

I did once without any repercussions.