Not confused...looking inward

[AJM]

BRNR, can I say that you are right where you need to be right now? I know that's not a "fun" place to be, but I think you'll see later that it is right where you need to be to get ready for the next phase of your life. You didn't ask for these changes, but you're doing very well with them.

People are wired funny in some ways. You made a committment and for you that means a lot. I doubt you come by it easily, but also don't run from one easily. Your H may have been that way as well. But when somebody leaves in this manner, it leaves a vacuum. In a R there is always a give and take. A R is a balance of give and take and when one takes, the other gives (to maintain that balance in some respects.) In this case, he took a lot, and your reaction is to "balance" the R. If we didn't do these things, nobody would stay married and the human race may have died out eons ago. It always seems that the LBS has a harder time with things. That's not necessarily true, but it is our story, right?

Can I point something out to you? You were upset and felt that you were horrible for the way you defended your boundary. But you didn't ask to have to defend it. He challenged it and you did what you needed to do. You should let that feeling of being "horrid" go, because you were not. You felt like it, but that's not the same thing, see?
As I was catching up, I noticed this:

I keep asking myself what did I do to H for him to treat me so badly. He is punishing me, and it hurts

Yes, BRNR, he may be punishing "you" for his perceived wrongs. But more likely, he is projecting the punishment he feels he deserves coupled with punishment somebody else may deserve and projecting it on you. Why? Nobody knows, and likely even he doesn't know. What did you do to deserve this? NOTHING. You weren't perfect and neither was he. But you did NOT deserve, and do NOT deserve what he is doing toward you. At some point you need to accept that, as nutty as it sounds.

Somebody cheats and blames somebody else for their actions. Hmm.. That's not realistic. You didn't tell him to do that. You didn't ask him to. You didn't cause him to. The only cause of infidelity is the person's choice. Nothing else. Not you, not me, nor anyone else "caused" him to do that. And nobody caused him to treat you poorly nor to disrespect you. He chose to. You may not know why (yet) but you do know "what". And your reaction was completely appropriate for the situation and action.

When you accept that, it gets easier to see things more clearly. When you accept that you care even about him, you'll understand more than you do now. It takes time and it's a bumpy road getting there, BRNR. Allow yourself that time and be easier on yourself about it. You are progressing much better than you may see right now. But it's a necessary step to go through this and the evaluate the items as you are.

Peace,
AJ