Don't understand, why now???? Plus what do I do??

[ct man 1969]

I had a drinking problem for my whole life since I was 13. I struggled for with my addiction daily for the last 2 years. My wife (of 16 years next week) had asked me to quit several times, but never told me she was even thinking of a divorce. In September I finally quit (thanks to God, I wouldn't have been able to do it on my own). I started spending more time with her and my girls. All of a sudden, in December she told me she wanted a divorce. In April she filed and it will be finalized in August. We are still living in the same house, but in different rooms. I just read Divorce Remedy on Monday. I'm just started the last resort technique yesterday. I don't know if this will work, b/c my wife has been pretty adamant that she wants this divorce. My two girls (14 and 12) are devastated and mad. They don't understand why now since I have been willing to change and have changed that their mother wants out of the marriage. I don't understand either. Although she denies it, I know that there is one any perhaps a second man pursuing her. I know this from snooping (which I have stopped since reading the book). She might even be in an affair (at least emotional). Anyway, she doesn't want to be around at all and this is killing the girls and it pains me to see them hurting so much. My daughters have started to openly argue and challenge my wife regularly. I don't know what to do other than tell them that they have a right to disagree with their mom, but they always need to stay respectful when they do. There was a major blowup yesterday while I was at a friends house. I plan on having a talk with the girls about how they need to respect their mom. They're mad that she doesn't spend as much time with them as she does going out with her friends

So here are my two questions;

1) Just for my own sanity and understanding, can anyone tell me why she would have waited until I was sober to want to leave me? (it wasn't like I was ever violent or mean, for the most part I hid down in my den and separated myself from the family - which I understand isn't healthy - but just wanted everyone here to know that I wasn't violent)

2) How do I handle the friction between the girls and their mom? Trying to keep with the plan of the last resort technique, I really don't want to approach my wife. I have several times before and it doesn't matter. She blames me for the girls anger. She says I'm pitting them against her to get custody. Spending time with her friends is definitely a priority over her own daughters. I tried explaining to her that I'm the one that has always wanted the marriage to work, how would pitting them against her get me anywhere closer to my goal of fixing the marriage?

Thanks you in advance for any feedback and God bless

[RealityTrip]

Welcome CT.. Glad you found the forum. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I wanted to say hello and "bump" your thread to the top of the list for some of the veterans to respond to your 2 questions.

Hang in there!!! I'm glad you finished DR (Divorce Remedy) Keep going back and reading it. It helps to keep you focused.

Take good care of yourself. GAL, GAL, GAL!!!

[~ kd ~]

I know of another couple who, while not M, were in a R for about 4 years and had a young daughter (about 2yrs when they split). He was an alcoholic for most of his adult life (about 25 years) and finally became sober for about a year before his partner left him.

There could be a number of theories why your W (or this friend's partner) left once you became sober.

Of course, there is the possibility that your sobriety (which of course is a good thing) is causing you some stress and it is showing up in your M.

There's also the possibility that you USED to be FUN as a drunk. Now, you aren't fun any more. This can be the case when both partners are alcoholics or use alcohol as a reason to be fun with friends.

There's also the possibility that, while you were drinking your W was planning on leaving. Perhaps even had an A of some sort. Now that you are sober and more conscious of what is going on with the family, and her specifically, she can't "hide" what's going on so wants out.

And then there's the possibility that, now that you are sober, your W thinks that she does not have to protect you any more. Some spouses stay in a R for co-dependent reasons.

None of that really matters at this point, but you asked. Those are SOME reasons. Really, only your W knows why she's doing this. It may or may not have anything to do with your past as an alcoholic or your current sobriety.

That said, LRT is a possible technique for you to use right now. The question is, WHY do you think it's the technique for you, right now? Even though DR says to use it if the spouse has filed or has moved out or other drastic things have happened, one can still try other techniques, first.

As RT says above, GAL will be important, keep focused also on your kids and being the best dad you can be, and detach your emotions from her words or actions. If she's given you any complaints that are valid and had been persistent (other than your drinking), how could you 180 those complaints?

[~ kd ~]

I did want to quickly touch on the second question you asked.

Is there any possibility that you are projecting your dismay over your W's bomb drop, onto your children? Kids are smart and might decide that you are in pain and their mother is causing that pain. Kids don't want to take sides, but will sometimes step up in defence of the LBS.

Have you ever brought up custody of the kids with your W?

Other than that, while the R between the kids and their mom is between them and you should not get involved, are you at least trying to encourage the kids to have a good R with their mom? Is there anything that you noticed particularly between your W and the kids that might upset the kids? I mean aside from your W wanting to D?

[jp787]

And then there's the possibility that, now that you are sober, your W thinks that she does not have to protect you any more. Some spouses stay in a R for co-dependent reasons.

I can really see this in my sitch, we are so co-dependent. She may not know who she is now that things have changed.

None of that really matters at this point, but you asked. Those are SOME reasons. Really, only your W knows why she's doing this. It may or may not have anything to do with your past as an alcoholic or your current sobriety.

In the end this ^^^ is all that matters

[ct man 1969]

To all thanks for your input thus far.

Kaffe Diem, she hasn't really brought up any complaints over the last 6 months, before that it was always about my drinking and not spending time with her and the girls. But even before she told me she wanted the divorce, I addressed and acted on and 180'd all of those complaints she's previously voiced. Recently she's told me that I don't have any friends and that I don't go do things outside of the house and that I need to GAL. While I don't have many friends, the ones I have are very good friends and I liken them to brothers.

But she so much wants to not be under this roof, I'm having to find things to do with the kids and don't have time for other adults right now. She basically is out of this house as many hours as possible. She tells me it's because she doesn't want to be around me, but that's not as excuse. First of all I go out each Tuesday night to a friends house for a couple of hours, Wednesday nights I go with the girls to church for about 2 hours, Friday nights I go to an addiction support group for up to 4-5 hours. I was going to the gym every day for about 2 hours, but after about 2 and half months of that she equated that as the same as her not coming straight home and going to the bar. I've stopped going now. But, even if I'm home, what's to stop her from coming home from work and taking the girls somewhere? But she hardly does that, she's too busy trying to make herself happy going to friends houses or bars. Oh and by the way, this was a woman that would drink maybe 5 to 10 drinks per year (special occasions) and now I smell alcohol on her breath often.

We had originally scheduled Friday nights like this. Friday nights were going to be my wives nights to do what she pleased. She could go out and party, she can stay home w/ the our girls, she take our girls somewhere, or stay home alone. I would find a place for the girls to go if she wanted to go out b/c that was my addiction program night as well. I was originally dropping off the girls @ a friends house so that I could go to my meetings while she opted to have activities excluding our girls. After about 3 months of this I asked her if she was ever going to choose spending time with the girls on a Friday night over spending time with her friends. The next week she did and I later found out that my wife had left my younger one home alone (my older one was at a friends house). The next week I got a text while at my meeting b/c my wife left them both home alone and said she'd be right back. Two hours later she still hadn't returned. So I had to leave my meeting.

As of my kids knowing about the divorce of course my children know. They also realized and I've heard them say to their mom that they don't understand why she wouldn't put any effort toward repairing our marriage. She never has really put any effort forward since my sobriety.

I have brought up custody and that's our main bone of contention and the reason I'm contesting the terms of the divorce. Money and possessions aren't as important to me as my girls. She says that too, but just doesn't show it.

Actually I sat the girls down yesterday and told them they need to be respectful and loving to their mother. Honoring their mother and father is a biblical commandment, and even though they don't respect their mothers choices right now, they need to respect her at all times. If they take issue with anything they do have a right to voice their concern, but never in a rude, yelling, accusatory way. They are to calmly voice their concern or complaint.

The main thing with the girls is they're feeling abandoned as much as I do. That's the biggest thing. They've also told me that they feel like her friends are more important than them. And that's exactly why I'm fighting for custody.

Sorry this is so long winded. And thanks for everyone's input so far. God bless!!

[ct man 1969]

I responded a few days ago, but it never posted. Anyway, yes the kids are very angry @ their mom. Their take is that I was willing to and have changed for the better, have stuck to those changes and now my wife has chosen to rip this family apart. My older doesn't want to live with my wife and has been openly expressing this from time to time. I have no idea about my younger one and I don't want to ask b/c I don't want her feeling like she needs to take a side.

Custody has been brought up and is really the only reason we're involving lawyers at this point. We can't agree on it at all.

I did sit my kids down Friday night and spoke to them for about an hour and told them that we all need to be respectful of my wife/their mom at all times. Especially at times we're mad at her for upsetting us with her actions. There's been a huge turn around with the way they interact with their mom, and I'm proud of them. In fact today is my wife's b-day and they both wanted to get her something. This is a huge difference from a few weeks ago. For mothers day my older one didn't even want to give her a card.

[ct man 1969]

Don't understand why my thread never moves up. I responded to Kaffe Diem twice and each time the thread only moved up to the time and date of the previous post, not the most recent.

[Hurt But Hopeful]

Sounds like you are, like I am, on moderation. It takes a little bit of time before posts show up immediately.

It sounds like you're taking the right approach with your kids in terms of telling them to be respectful to their mom. Just stay the course with that and hope it works. As for everything else, just do what was suggested above ... GAL, 180s, making yourself the best person you can be. I know it's hard right now (I'm giong through the same kind of thing) but if you can come out of this a better man then you will be ready to tackle life moving forward -- whether or not your W is part of it or not.

[bustingout]

You are probably still on moderation. Its normal procedure. Keep posting and soon your posts will appear immediately.