need help

[kelela]

My story

I have been married for now 13 years just last year before my Young's son's 8 birthday this W comes to my house and handed me a letter saying that my H and her where having an affair. And they just ended it not to long ago and she thought it was the right thing to do to let me know about it. It broke my heart and every emotions came out. I had confronted him about it and he said it was all true. Well its been almost a whole year since then and now I just found out he is now texting someone new and he told me that they have a special connection to each other and its his way to release sexual tension. Its because we haven't been intimate for the last 8 years so that is why he strayed from our marriage. I know part of this is my fault for not being itimate with him. I had asked him to stop texting this new W and let us work on our marriage and he soppostly told her that I had found out about their special relationship and she told him if I was to every try to contact her in anyway she was going to press charges against me for harassment and he would not consider to make our marriage work at all. I have done everything that Sandi 37 said not to do. But that was before I actually read that post. Now I'm trying to follow it but its so hard . I really love my H with all my heart he wasn't just my husband but he was my best friend. And know I'm scared that my marriage is completely over. He tells me that he wants our marriage but there is no spark there and he needs time to think and to do soul searching because he has mix emotions now. He does security for a church and he is planning to meet with the bishop about this situation that we are in. I had asked him if I would meet with tbs bishop too. But he says wait till he had the chance to meet with him first. I don't know if I can believe him. I just want to get my marriage back and my best friend back but I don't know how to do that. I know their are couches on here but I can't afford to sign up for their help. I have been reading other post's on here and I know that I'm not alone but I do feel like that cause I just don't know how to repair my marriage. I have tried to show more affectionate towards him but he just like is not emotionally here. I know that he needs time to figure out what he wants but how long I'm I surprise to keep going this way.

[KarenR]

I think it is important that you find a way to get some professional help, if you want to turn things around. If you haven't read Sex Starved Marriage, I suggest you do. Also, if you call the office, I can offer you a discount on coaching, which would give you very specific steps on how to go forward.
I wish you the best.

[kelela]

I wish I could but I don't have a cent to my name I don't even have a credit card. I'll I can do is post here and read other storys for now. And hopefully when the pastor from the church comes back he will be able to help us with our situation. I'm hoping that there is still a big chance our marriage can be safed . I just would like for him to stop talking to this other W and try to work with me to fix our marriage. I'm trying do hard to be patient and to detached from all of this but its super hard.

[Dubious Hills]

Kelela, One good way I have found to be detached is to make plans and not change them. Like, join a knitting group, take up a physical hobby like running, something like that. The key thing is, you have got to have something in your life other than your marital troubles, something you enjoy, or these worries and fears will consume you.

[AnotherStander]

I wish I could but I don't have a cent to my name I don't even have a credit card. I'll I can do is post here and read other storys for now.

If there's a library in your area see if they can get a copy of DR in, if you could only read one thing that would be it. That said, there's a lot of great info on these forums too, and there's an entire forum for just SSM's:

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=54&page=1

And hopefully when the pastor from the church comes back he will be able to help us with our situation. I'm hoping that there is still a big chance our marriage can be safed .

There's a chance that your M can be saved, but I want you to also have realistic expectations of what you're up against. These situations take a long, long time to resolve. Getting back together in less than 6 months is practically a miracle, it almost never happens. Even less than a year is pretty infrequent. It often takes much longer. And sometimes it never happens. For now any attempts you make to try and save the M are going to have the opposite effect. Trying to involve a pastor for example, or trying to push your H into counseling. Those are just forms of pressure and he wants no pressure right now. If you apply any pressure at all it'll just push him away. So you have to pull back and give him time and space. You work on you, become the person he was attracted to in the first place. Get out and get a life (and no, that doesn't have to require money, you can go to the park, reach out to old friends, make new ones, do volunteer work, etc.) Good luck!

[mizjjd]

Hi Kelela!

Welcome to the DB boards.

I am sorry you are going through so much pain. But you have found a great place to come and read and share your story.

I know that I'm not alone I do feel like that

I feel alone too. That's a hard part of this, but it will get better as time passes. One thing that will make this better/easier is to find new things to do. Dubious Hills had some good suggestions for you.

Kelela, One good way I have found to be detached is to make plans and not change them. Like, join a knitting group, take up a physical hobby like running, something like that. The key thing is, you have got to have something in your life other than your marital troubles, something you enjoy, or these worries and fears will consume you.

I have tried to show more affectionate towards him but he just like is not emotionally here.

Don't do this!! You are very very right when you say he "is not emotionally there". Affection = pursuit and that's not going to help you.

I know that he needs time to figure out what he wants but how long I'm I surprise to keep going this way.

He needs time, and so do you. This whole thing will change both of you - its up to YOU to make sure the change is for the better. And dig deep for patience because "how long" could be a year, or two. Possibly even more. But plan on at the very least a year.

So look at it this way, YOU only have one year to make a better Kelela! Make your world right now all about you. Your H is going to do what ever he is going to do. You can't do anything to fix/change him, his changes have to come from within himself or they aren't real and true.

I'd be very interested to hear if you have set any goals for yourself. What would you like to do? What would you like to learn? What would you like to change about yourself? What about you are you happiest with?

Keep the focus on YOU!

[littleGTO]

Kelela,
Sorry you find yourself in circumstances to be here, but HERE is the best place to be given the circumstances.

Good advice has been given to you so far.

This is a very long journey--the journey of a lifetime. Fasten your seat belt and be ready for the ride of your life!

We all understand and feel your pain. We know your pain. We have lived it. Many of us for a long, long time.

First and foremost, take care of yourself. Breathe, eat, sleep. Surround yourself with people who love you.

Don't beat yourself up about the past (not following Sandi's Rules--we all did that to some extent or another). Just try to adhere to them as best as you can.

Tell us more about your situation...why do you think your marriage lacked intimacy? What things can you work on about YOU (180s, they are called here) that will be permanent positive changes in your life?

Come visit my thread...I recently posted the things I've learned through this journey so far. One of the biggest is- I will be okay...no matter what.

Honestly DBing may ultimately save your M, but it may not. It WILL save YOU. And, that my friend, is the best part. You can't see this right now. Heck, most of us can't--a lot of days I can't, but......as time goes on & DBing becomes part of who you are you will be okay.

Post often, as it is the best therapy to come here! No money required!

[kelela]

Thank you everyone for all your help I'm still trying to figure out what will make me happy. Im starting to spend more time with our two young sons ages 13 and 8. and I'm learning to detach from my situation its hard but I'm trying to keep my mind on other things. I have a lot of work to improve my life and be a better and loving mother two my young sons. My sons are my world and I want to be a good mother to them. I have been going to the gym more then in the past year and I'm starting to feel so much better and so much healthier I have also been playing outside with my sons and we are having so much fun we haven't done that in years. So that is also helping me staying focus on a healthier relationship with my sons. I know its going to take lot of patients on my part and I will let H have his time and space to work things out for himself. I will be focusing more on my sons and myself. And I will keep visiting this site. every time I visit all different topics its helping me to understand what I can do to improve my life to be able to move forward. Once again thank you everyone for listening to my story.

[kelela]

Thank you everyone for your encouragement with my situation. To littlegto
I think the reason why we lacked on intimatcy in our marriage is we had different schedules and just trying to raise a family. I know that is no excuse to fail in the intimacy between us. We should have made time for ourself. Now as I look back on it I should have made the time to show my H the love he deserve. And vice versa. I just hope when he is ready to work on our marriage we will be able to work things out. But until then I'll I can do is be patient .

Anyway I wanted to share this with everyone I had seen this on one of my other sites I like to go on:

The past should be left in the past because it can destroy your future. Live your life for what tomorrow has to offer, not for what yesterday has taken away.

I thought this was a good message for me.

[kelela]

Thank you for your suggestions I have been going to the gym more to have time on my own. And I have a goal for myself next year I'm planning a trip back home for my high school reunion that is coming up.