"I never went through the begging and pleading stages."
So you never apologized for the things that you did wrong in the M?
"I don't know if that is good or bad as far as DBing goes, since DB assumes that all happened."
Actually it happens to everyone, so I'm not sure why you didn't go through this. In a way, part of it is validation for the WAS to know that they were heard.
"Part of this was that I was scared. Well, mostly that I was scared, but scared of a lot of different things. Scared of rejection, so I built a pretty big wall. Scared of making mistakes, so this was my DB tactic. That way, I subconsciously reasoned, I can blame it all on her."
That's not a DB tactic. That's just you using your fear as an excuse. You never dealt with this situation in a healthy manner and that's why you're so filled with resentment and why your W has had a hard time looking back at you.
"I have said from the beginning that there was zero hope for us as long as OM was in the picture. I sorta blasted into her in an email today about what a sham our MC sessions were as far as "working on R" goes."
Not good.
"And I'll stick around here. But really, I just don't have much hope. I sorta had some hope bottled up with all the other stuff, but now that I'm opening myself I think I'm finding that hope has died."
You might have had hope, but you didn't do anything with it. You were still waiting for HER to change, for HER to admit she was wrong, etc. Look at all the success stories. A common thread is that they worked on themselves first irregardless of what the spouse did.
"As I said in the email to her, any hope I had that we could work on us has died to the reality that she won't work on us."
No, the reality is that you haven't worked on yourself (meaning your fear, resentment, loathing, etc.) That's what killed the hope. I do hope you find peace can get to a healthy place with help.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
