I never went through the begging and pleading stages. I don't know if that is good or bad as far as DBing goes, since DB assumes that all happened. But for me, I think that it was good in some ways, obviously, but not completely. Anyways, I've been just detaching like crazy over the past year. She left me and took the kids just over a year ago. I moved to be with the kids in September, but even since then I've just not had much contact with her. Part of this was that I was scared. Well, mostly that I was scared, but scared of a lot of different things. Scared of rejection, so I built a pretty big wall. Scared of making mistakes, so this was my DB tactic. That way, I subconsciously reasoned, I can blame it all on her. It was the easy way (out). But a 180 I'm working on is to not put up walls. I've started to communicate with her. This is not DB stuff. It's probably pretty destructive to hopes of R since a lot of what I'm communicating is pent up anger, whether intended or not. I could say, "probably too late for any hope anyway", or, "no hope w/OM in her heart anyway". In a way I'm sacrificing her for my own hope at recovering from this. In a way, she's just getting hit with the shrapnel as I explode since I've bottled so much up for so long. In a way, I'm trying to reach out to her in love, since not much love has come from me her way in this past year. I have said from the beginning that there was zero hope for us as long as OM was in the picture. I sorta blasted into her in an email today about what a sham our MC sessions were as far as "working on R" goes. Anyways. I still have a phone session that I purchased and haven't used. I was saving it in case there was ever any glimmer of hope. Might use it just to seek advice on how to keep living, I guess. And I'll stick around here. But really, I just don't have much hope. I sorta had some hope bottled up with all the other stuff, but now that I'm opening myself I think I'm finding that hope has died. As I said in the email to her, any hope I had that we could work on us has died to the reality that she won't work on us. I have such a long way to go, working on me. I look a lot worse when I spew all over her and in this forum. My apologies. I think that was another reason I held a lot of things in. But getting it out is necessary for me to work on me. Let the sun shine in on all this mess. I'm rambling now.
