Trying to stay in it, keeps getting harder. #3

[in_it]

Nope. I don't want him to leave. It scared me to really even think it. I want him to feel something. Hurt? Probably. Would he? Doubt it. Not at this point.

I want to keep texting purely for the communication. I want to feel wanted. I want to correspond with him so in some way it will tell me he cares. I really don't think it's about the anniversary, I had no expectations for it anyhow. I think it became more about the anniversary when I woke up this morning after a really long sh!tty week & realized that H really wasn't coming home today & he very well could have. His work finished up last night & he could've been on the first flight home.

I don't want him to walk in the door tomorrow & say we need to talk because he just spent a week with OW & feels like he has the strength to finally leave.

I don't want my daughters to go through any of this. My D5 asked me on Wednesday if H loved me anymore. Wow. I said nothing. D7 told her to stop because she didn't want to cry. I told them both I loved them & their dad. On BD our girls saw is get very emotional. They know that we've "had some arguments about group up stuff" and that's about it. They are very aware of their surroundings & pick up on our moods I'm sure.

This may sound crazy, but I think I'm going to eat Mexican food for dinner again tonight. Maybe take the girls to our favorite local Mexican place.