Actually no, I don't know that. I think I missed that part. I missed how to be a friend and what that means. I am too busy thinking about my needs, my pain, my.....
High on my list, number one on my mission statement, to be kind.
He11 that is why I admire my W so dang much... She is an amazing friend, everyone loves her.
I spend a lifetime with her and never took the time to see the why behind it.
I will stop now because I am just thinking about poor me again, dang it!
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
J, as I have told you before, there is just something about you that touches me.
I want you to know some things. Having a horrific childhood does something to a person. They do not learn the coping skills they need to get through life. It often stems from not feeling safe as a child. That leads to fear and feelings of unworthiness.
The actions you take as an adult are what you knew, what you learned.
I am not making an excuse for you. I am telling you that I understand what you are feeling.
And the more you work on you, the more you understand why you act the way you do, the better able you are to make different choices.
I understand because I didnt learn certain things as a child. I didnt learn what it was to feel safe. I didnt learn what it was to be loved unconditionally.
But when I knew better, I did better.
I understand the fear of being rejected. Once you learn to love you, that fear will go away.
And you will, J. It is not going to happen overnight. It is not going to happen because you want it to. It happens through hard work and perserverance.
So, the very first step is in you wanting it. It is a promise to yourself that you will do whatever it takes to become the person you want to be - no matter what. It is a promise that no matter how hard it gets, that you will not quit. It is a belief that this is the most important thing you can do in your life.
I can hit you with 2x4's all day long, J. They dont mean a thing if you are not ready to hear it. They dont mean a thing if you're not all in.
I know this is so overwhelming for you and scary. And I am not going to lie and say it is going to be easy because it's not. I am going to tell you that if you do the work, your life can be forever changed and you can become whole.
It is a choice, sweetie, that only you can make. More importantly, make it a promise. A promise that you will not quit if it gets hard. You will not run and hide if something stings because if it does, there is some truth to it.
And I can promise you, you will not regret it.
Do not try to figure yourself out all at once.
Just do one thing, J. Pick one thing. It starts one moment at a time.
So, the very first step is in you wanting it. It is a promise to yourself that you will do whatever it takes to become the person you want to be - no matter what. It is a promise that no matter how hard it gets, that you will not quit. It is a belief that this is the most important thing you can do in your life.
This is a keeper. About everything you say UW is great and I read it and listen to it and try to absorb it, then from time to time you say something that is just perfect, that I need and you just say it like you know me inside out. This is another one of those... ^^^
Originally Posted By: uRworthy
You all in?
Yes, I am in.[/quote]
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
I'm glad you got a chance to talk about your inner demons with your therapist.
Just realize, that regardless of what you thought his reaction was...
That talking about it, was for YOU...
How do you feel now ???
Now that you are getting this stuff out ????
It is a short feeling of relief, followed by a overwhelming feeling of shame.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
Hey, JP, you're getting good help here. Keep at it. I was thinking along the poor me lines too, thinking that you were so incredibly hard on yourself, and so verbal about it, that it was almost a way of coddling yourself...if you're so much worse than anyone else's bad, so much worse that they can't even understand, then you have good reason for never getting better. What can anyone say? They don't understand. Guess what, they do, and they're still here helping you. You have to accept the help and stop the catastrophic thinking that allows you to justify not changing. No excuses. Forgive yourself just enough to get yourself up off the ground and back to healing, one step at a time, one day at a time, one action at a time.
If you love how your W is so kind, instead of using that as an opportunity to beat yourself up look at it as an opportunity to learn something. Try emulating her ways that you admire.
But what I really wanted to say, because here I can really relate. Something bad happened, and you want to hold onto that bad, nurture it and love it, and let it keep you from being like other people and let it absolve you from having to get better. Weird but true because I did it too... But you're holding onto, and nurturing, your hurt over a complete amateur getting in over her head and making and breaking a promise to you. Do you get that? It wasn't about you or how infinitely bad you are...you just believed someone who thought they could help and couldn't. It was about her flaw, not yours. You have to keep looking for the person who is qualified to help you, and not defining yourself by how unqualified, unprepared, inadequate people responded poorly to your trouble.
I see more reason to be encouraged for you now than when you were just admitting your flaws. When you accept that you're human just like other people, no worse, and capable of healing just like other people, you show real promise. Keep going!
Adinva 51, S20, S18 M24 total 6/15/11-12/1/12 From IDLY to H moving out 9/15/15-3/7/17 From negotiating SA to final D at age 50 5/8/17-now: New relationship with an old friend __ Happiness is a warm puppy.
You do know that if you say you are all in to a New Yorker there is no backing out, right? Just sayin....
I was thinking about something. You know when you are tying something and you get a knot in it, and you want to get the knot out, so you pull on it, but it gets tighter and tighter?
Stop pulling on the knot.
You are allowing yourself to get knotted up on this secret. And let me tell you, therapists have heard it all. I'm pretty sure nothing can shock them.
And I get that you opened yourself up to that woman and she freaked and that shook you.
Some of my friends on here will tell you that it took me a looonnnggg time to be able to open up to people.
I know for me, part of it stems from those walls I put up so I couldnt get hurt. Part of it was from being disappointed when I did open up, part of it was that I never really felt safe.
And the truth of it is, that is still something I struggle with. So trust me when I say, I get that.
The thing is, that it is really no way to live. In order to love someone and love ourselves, we have to be able to share ourselves. We have to be able to connect with others. And we cant do that if we are fearful.
I am not going to be able to promise you that if or when you share your deepest thoughts with someone, that they are not ever going to have an adverse reaction.
But I am going to tell you that when you do open up, great things can happen. People can see you, they can feel you. Your world opens up, J. It does.
And sometimes people cannot see us for who we are and judge us. And that's ok, too. When you are able to embrace you, with all your flaws and imperfections, those people will not matter.
You will just learn to include the ones who do.
It doesnt bother me anymore if someone doesnt like me. I like me. And the people I care about like me. Those other people, they are not part of my life.
So, are you ready to make that promise, J? Because if you are, I am going to hold you to it. All five feet of me.
M46,W41 D16,D18 M22,T25 BD 11/12 W moved out 01/13 Piecing 10/13 Divorced 01/15 "Whether you worry or not has no affect on the outcome. But, moving forward, letting go, and making changes can." UrWorthy
