...and it makes me realize again how much I hurt her and that I should just STFU and leave her be. Hearing from me what she did to me probably won't facilitate anything positive for her.
I'm glad you said this because it saved me a lot of typing
Seriously, I understand you want those 2 things above but from my own experience it didn't help me to forgive. I told her how she hurt me regarding her treatment of me and the A's and she just stared at me and rather then feel like I was heard it built more resentment. Do you want to get it off your chest to make you feel better or is it because you're hoping for remorse from her? If it's to get remorse...
Your 2nd thing, may never happen and if it does will come on our W's timetables only. Even with that the biggest thing for true forgiveness is time. We can want to forgive and say it all we want but when the hurt is still so real and vivid I think it's dang near impossible to truly forgive 100%.
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Maybe I never really held her accountable for her actions in my mind pre-D (well, at least pre-April when I started to feel different). And now that D is final, I'm looking back on what has transpired and accepting the behavior and choices for what they really were, and my mind if finally catching up to reality. I suppose her transgressions were forgivable offenses if she and I reconciled. As time went on I realized more and more that serious work was needed for me to accept her back (but I would still accept her), but now that M is officially/legally over, the reality is fully settling in.
2 things here to think about Sounds like you are taking your W off the pedestal you had her on and seeing the reality. This is a good thing and will help you move on along your path. It helped me stop blaming myself and really start owning just my stuff.
Again, I think the forgiveness will happen, if you want it to, with time and not based on whether you two R'd or not. That condition of forgiving if you 2 are together or not seems like it could be a harmful way of thinking about it.
Yes it's perfectly ok to need space. It's perfectly fine to not be ok with her or to not want to be around her. The acting as if in my opinion means you're acting (or better yet actually doing) as if you are moving on with your life without her. You are taking back the power, taking back the control of your own life.
Personality is who the world sees, character is who you are
