Riding the storm out, or at least trying to!

[reachingHigher]

Now I'm tearing up too.

Tvs, I'm so sorry. So sorry.

Just wanted you to know I was thinking of you.
As always.

Hugs,
Lots of them,
and kleenexes too,
rH

[Takevowsserious]

Thank you all for surrounding me with so much love. I don't know what I would do without you

Dear UW ~
As always, read your post repeatedly. Takes me several times to really soak it all in.

I am sorry that your sister experienced the loss of a baby also. I can say that it forever changed me. Maybe such a small change, not detectable even by those closest to me. But it's there.

I have such an appreciation for my children though, and for that I am thankful.

When Raine talked about the scars from this MLC possibly fading, I can see how that it possible. Although the thought of what happened still can bring sadness to me, sometimes even tears, it is nothing like the raw pain when it happened. It is like a sad distant memory now.

Oh, how I would like all of this to be a distant memory!

As I read what you wrote about what your xh said about OW, I thought, YES!
"It was two people lost, who felt that no one else understood them."

I have thought this from very early on. They both alienated the people they were close to in their lives, then turned around and blamed it on them. I'm sure they validated what the other was doing, what they were feeling. They could be each others shoulder to cry on, "Oh whoa is me!"

"How could I have loved her, UW? She was more broken than I was. I used the act of trying to fix her to get me to forget about what was broken in me."

As you like to say... abso-freakin-lutely!

She has always had a myriad of problems and issues. She was just waiting for the knight in shining armor to come save her, and he was looking for a way to feel good about himself.

But if they are continually meeting each others needs this way, what would ever get them to stop? Besides the obvious that they are married, have a family, are continually lying to everyone in their lives...

Then again, reality always comes a knocking, right?

I can believe that he doesn't remember all the times they were together. I would imagine a lot of the past 17 months is just a big blur. But unfortunately, I think a five day beach trip is going to be a little tougher to forget

Linda, I do believe God has plans for me. Can't wait to see what they are

And Raine you are right, if I didn't love him, it wouldn't hurt so much. But also if I didn't love him, I wouldn't have been able to make it this long. He may be living here, but I am doing my best to let him go and find his way.

I totally believe you could get to side crow girl!

Thanks for stopping by rH. You are sweet

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So today is S2's (now 3!) birthday. I can't believe my little peanut is 3!!!

H has a work event tonight, which is legit. But he didn't come home in between when work was over and the event, said it would be too rushed.

There was a 3 1/2 hour gap. Ummm, I'm pretty sure he wouldn't be rushed lol!

So I met my parents, and we all went out to dinner at a restaurant of S3's choosing. Haven't heard a peep from H.

Tomorrow is our anniversay. Haven't heard a peep about that either.

Sunday is S3's birthday party. Could I pack more fun into this weekend? Lol!

I had to go to a different location for work today, and saw H's xbf.
He said it was good to see me, gave me a big hug. Didn't say anything about H. I could be wrong, but I think I sensed a bit of sadness from him. Guess that's what happens when your best friend of 25 years up and turns into a stranger, shutting you out in the process.

Something else interesting...
H has days when he's distant, days when he's not. I would say he stopped being cold and mean quite some time ago.

Last night he was Mr. Friendly and chatty.

Well, my back was really bothering me. I've had neck and back problems for years, go to a chiropractor when I can.

H continually asks me for scratches, lotion applications, and rubs and I have not asked for one thing in return. So yesterday I figured, what the heck... I'm going to ask him to crack my back.

This is something he used to always do. He would stand behind me as I put my hands on my face, wrap his arms around me, then pick me up as I exhale, cracking my back. He hasn't done this since bomb.

I asked him, and he did it. Quite gladly, actually. Didn't act weird or strange afterwards, in fact, he was even more friendly than usual.

He even shared some you tube videos he thought were funny, and are you ready for this, let me hold his sacred phone lol!

But I know ho bag will be there tonight, and who knows where they will go afterwards. Boo

Doesn't matter, I have a busy weekend ahead... Cleaning, shopping, laundry, party preparation. I'm taking S3 to get a fish tomorrow for his birthday - I can't wait

Sorry for the long post. Thanks again for all of your support. I am one lucky gal

[reachingHigher]

Oh girl, trying to pick up some of that PMA.

My H also has an event tonight -- centered around wine & women. He wasn't going to come home "between" either but ended up having to take me to a repair shop to get the Mustang. I was quiet.

I'm trying not to be sad. There is so much positive. But I'm not gonna say it doesn't hurt.

I took the long way home in the 'Stang -- perfect weather and country roads lush with greenery and yellow flowers abounding -- but my heart just wasn't in it even though I repeatedly tell myself I've taken back my heart so he can't hurt it.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

I can't believe he let you hold his phone -- lol! And I love that he cracked your back for you.

I was just reading in my journal from last year how my H first resented me and had "no feelings" and then a year later moved to having compassion but not "in love" and I would dare say a year later now possibly loving feelings but not really "in love" ... so a year from now?

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

uRw has some awesome posts for you. I really wish your mom could take the boys and you could hang out with her for a weekend!

Happy happy birthday to S3! I clearly have very happy memories of each of my boys' third birthdays. What a special time in their lives. I'm so glad you have been the rock for them. And I'm glad, as hard as it's been on you, for their sake -- that H is still at home.

Is it 11th anniversary for you then?

[uRworthy]

I am sorry that your sister experienced the loss of a baby also. I can say that it forever changed me. Maybe such a small change, not detectable even by those closest to me. But it's there.

Thank you. I will never forget that time in our lives, T. My sister is forever changed, too.

But if they are continually meeting each others needs this way, what would ever get them to stop?

Because that gets old, T, and if it is built on neediness and deceit and broken people, it cannot be sustained. It does not have the stuff of long term relationships. Eventually it caves in.

I can believe that he doesn't remember all the times they were together. I would imagine a lot of the past 17 months is just a big blur. But unfortunately, I think a five day beach trip is going to be a little tougher to forget

Oh, my xh went on long trips, T. Some lovely ones. To hear him tell it, they were wrought with drama and stress.


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy happy birthday to your son!~!

I asked him, and he did it. Quite gladly, actually. Didn't act weird or strange afterwards, in fact, he was even more friendly than usual.

He even shared some you tube videos he thought were funny, and are you ready for this, let me hold his sacred phone lol!

Good stuff there, T. ^^^^^

But I know ho bag will be there tonight, and who knows where they will go afterwards. Boo

Often not at all what you think so best not to go there, sweetie. Doesnt serve you well.

[Takevowsserious]

Hi ladies

Sorry you are feeling down tonight rH. I know how you feel

It seems my PMA fluctuates, comes and goes, but always resurfaces in the end.
I think yours does too

You have every right to feel sad and hurt. You want H to put YOU and your feelings first, above everyone and everything else.

He's just not there yet. But I think he is on his way.

I get how you are feeling. I've been listening to the Stevie Nicks song "Stop Dragging My Heart Around" a lot lately.

"So you had a little trouble in town
Now you're keeping some demons down
Stop dragging my
Stop dragging my
Stop dragging my heart around"

It is our 11th anniversary. I feel like we've had a lot happen in our life during that time, good and bad. Wonder what the future will hold?

I am glad he has been home for the boys sake, especially now that he his loving to them. It was tough in the beginning when he didn't want anything to do with them either.

Seems like our sitches are constantly changing, and you do ask a good question... Where will we be a year from now???

Just trying to get through this weekend lol!!!

UW, I like to think that all the drama would have to get old. That at first they thrive on it, it fuels their R and their "feelings" for each other. But drama is not real life, and it doesn't get you through the ups and downs of life.

Love does. True love. And I still believe it is there between us.

Oh, and my mom would totally watch the boys for a visit! Someday...

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Thank you for the birthday wishes for my little guy

The latest stop on my independence journey... Setting up a fish tank! Hey, don't be too impressed, it was a tiny one gallon job. But hey, you got to start somewhere Can't wait till S3 wakes up and sees it - he will be ready to go to let store in his pj's!

Well, haven't heard from H since he left for work at 6:15 this morning. Didn't expect to, though.

Going to get some sleep - busy weekend ahead!

[uRworthy]

Good for you setting up the fish tank, T! Dont minimize your work on independence. Every part is important.

Just found this and thought it was a good read.

Relationships that start as affairs have many strikes against them.
Many affairs are like rebound relationships. They can arise out of an urgent emotional need, a need so urgent that a thoughtful process of getting to know someone and assessing what kind of partnership the two of you would have is not part of the bonding process. Rebound and affair relationships frequently have rescue fantasies attached to them, these fantasies can be overpowering and cloud your vision.
Sometimes relationships that start as affairs serve as an escape from difficult interpersonal dynamics in the primary relationship. Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship. We tend to repeat patterns over and over until we come to understand ourselves. Learning to see relationship problems as a dynamic between two people, rather than the fault of only one partner is important for the success of any couple.
Trust is the foundation of successful relationships. Another reason why many affair relationships fail is that it is difficult to deeply trust someone who has started the relationship by being unfaithful and deceitful with someone else. You can’t help but understand that their solution to a difficult interpersonal situation was betrayal. In the initial blissful stage, it might be unimaginable that they could do the same thing to you, or that you could do the same thing to them, but once you hit the stresses of real everyday life, things can feel different and much less secure.
There is also the issue of not having the support of family and friends. Having long-term successful relationships are difficult enough without trying to do them in a vacuum.
You may stuff these feelings in order to maintain the new relationship, only to discover down the line that you have many unresolved feelings about your partner that are interfering in your new relationship.
The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what function it is playing in your relationship with your partner. If you have the kind of primary relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment which, if you can get through, lets you out into the side of a mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization. If you deal with the disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.

[Takevowsserious]

Wow - good stuff UW. So true, so very true.

Infatuation fades, love endures. Plain and simple.

I'm awake because I heard H come home a little after 2:00 am. The garage door went up, heard him pull car in. Then I could hear him talking on the phone. He was fairly loud - I'm too floors up with all the windows closed, and I could hear his voice. Sounded like he was in our yard at one point, on the side of our house.

And although I couldn't hear the words, his tone did not sound happy.

Go figure lol!

Rest of the weekend should be interesting. Thanks for posting that UW, I know it is going to help many people in their understanding of an A.

[RosaLinda]

Succumbing to the fantasy that the new relationship will be free of conflict or other emotional difficulties can be a setup for another failed relationship. We tend to repeat patterns over and over until we come to understand ourselves. Learning to see relationship problems as a dynamic between two people, rather than the fault of only one partner is important for the success of any couple.

The question of whether the new relationship will succeed relates to what function it is playing in your relationship with your partner. If you have the kind of primary relationship where you initially experienced a significant amount of time where you were mutually in love and satisfied with the relationship and then grew apart because of life stresses or conflict and you entered the affair to experience being in love again, this does not bode well for the long term success of the affair relationship. That is because almost all relationships follow a predictable course of developmental stages, all at some point going through a period of disillusionment which, if you can get through, lets you out into the side of a mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization. If you deal with the disillusionment by betraying the commitment you have made, then you may not have the tools to navigate this stage which is waiting for you down the road in your new relationship.

Thank you so much for copying this for us, uRw! So very helpful to be understand the reasons for the A, and the reasons the A might be doomed. Our spouses and their OP are such a mess that I don't think there is much hope that any of them can develop a R that gives them a "mature, dependable and sustaining love based on reality rather than romantic idealization."

This gives me great comfort, and a renewed desire to continue working on MYSELF during this very difficult period. To be the very best person I can be so that at the end of this journey, my H will be able to return to a better wife. And if he choses not to, I will be a better person in my next R. Thank you so much for posting this. I'm sure it will help a lot of people!

I'm awake because I heard H come home a little after 2:00 am. The garage door went up, heard him pull car in. Then I could hear him talking on the phone. He was fairly loud - I'm too floors up with all the windows closed, and I could hear his voice. Sounded like he was in our yard at one point, on the side of our house.

And although I couldn't hear the words, his tone did not sound happy.

Fabulous when our Hs and their sluts wake us up in the early morning, isn't it TVS? Having a bit of trouble with Twinkle is he?

I'm glad your son had a great birthday -- his party is something fun to look forward to tomorrow! He must have been so excited to see that fishtank -- did he pick out his fish yet? I'm sorry about your anniversary today. I hope your H is kind and loving to you, and shows you that he really does appreciate you. Because.....he DOES!

That's so interesting that he acted more friendly after you asked him to crack your neck. When my H started his first EA, back in fall 2009, I went to a different marriage counselor, and he recommended a couple of things. One was to ask your H to do little things for you. He said that we do not love other people more when they do things for US, but doing things for them makes US love them more. The other things were to touch him casually, non-sexually, at least once a day (my DB coach Chuck suggested this too), and to make sure to talk to him for a couple of minutes at least once a day.

It worked back then. Not totally of course, because he kept up the EA thru 2011, but he got a lot nicer and more affectionate, and re-initiated ML after a bit too, after he said he didn't want to ML because it "would not be fair" to Russian Tramp #1.

I wonder if that's one reason why your H acted more friendly -- because he had done something nice for you for a change, and it made him feel good?

Have a wonderful weekend, try to look beyond the bad bits and enjoy your son's birthday my friend!

[Raine]

"And although I couldn't hear the words, his tone did not sound happy."

Woohoo! This sinking ship may not even make it to the beach! And if it does, sounds like it's going straight to the scrapyard.

[RosaLinda]

I used to think the "like" button on FaceBook is stupid, but sort of wish there was one on this forum