Pushing Forward 2

[jp787]

J, first of all, ((((hugs))).

I want to tell you a few things, sweetie. You are an amazing man. You have been brutally honest and I cannot tell you how much I admire you for it. Please do not let today derail you and set you back. You have come so far and your willingness to dig so deep into such hurtful things from your past has started you on a path of healing. Please dont stop.

I did go to therapy and I did disclose everything.

I am sure that was so very difficult for you. But, I am so proud of you that you did it.

He wants to keep seeing me, yet will look for someone more specialized for me. This is normal and I understand the logic of it, yet feel pushed off.

J, I have to say, that is the mark of a good doctor. You should not feel badly about it. He wants to get you the best help he can.

I know. I just have this vision in my head that I will say the worst thing possible and I will look up and see bright eyes and hear well heck that is fixable, I know just what we need to do, are you ready?

After today on here and T I am feeling very rejected and worthless.

I am so sorry you are feeling that way. I know that no one on here would ever want to make you feel that way intentionally.

It's me, just like what 25 said if I am not coddled, If I feel uncomfortable or feel hurt, I will lash out either in anger or pull out my poor me JP cards.

I'll be back, yet need to leave for now, be it an hour or a day or longer.

Take the time you need, but, I do hope you will come back. I believe in you.

I feel I babble and spin and like I just don't live up to the help I am given.

Look, we all babbled and spun. J. I went round and round for a long time before I got it. You will get it, when you get it. There is no timeline. It happens when it should. I read what you post to others, J, and it is good stuff.

I am embarrassed and feel I said some thing I shouldn't have.

Do not feel that way, J. You were being honest.

Do not feel that way?

I feel hurt. I am having the feeling of quitting again, I need to look at why other than what I just said.

You know that is your choice. I truly hope you dont quit, J, because I think you can experience some life changing things on your journey.

As far as the conversation with your wife, I understand why she feels the way she does. And I understand her wanting answers. The thing of it is, that you still are not in a position to give her any.

And so, these kinds of conversations right now are hurtful to the both of you. Hurtful to her because you dont have answers to her questions, hurtful to you because you feel quilty.

I think it's best if, when she broaches these subjects again, that you tell her you are not ready to talk about it now. That you are working through some things and it is best for both of you that you wait on these conversations.

J, I know that you feel badly about the hurt you have caused your wife. I do. But the very best thing you can do for her right now is to take care of you. Figure yourself out, get healthy and strong. YOu cant do that if you are still having these kinds of talks with her.

When I read them, I see that you are both so co-dependent on each other and that is not good. Neither one of you are in a position to be in a relationship right now.

[color:#CC33CC]I agree and I fear at the same time.

You need to wait until you're ready to come from a place of strength.

I wouldnt worry so much about dbing right now. You need to really figure out your stuff, J, if you want to have a healthy life. And you want to honor her by allowing her to figure out hers in order for her to heal.

Please do not feel embarrassed or worthless, J. What you did today took courage.

J, only you have the power to change all this. Your choice always. [/color]

UW, I do appreciate all your advice and being there for me. I do feel that I need to make some really hard choices and make a move, put both feet in. Read what 25 said and my replies.

I need to jump in and stop testing the waters. I am starting to think that maybe my self pity, my poor me, my selfishness is where I really need to start with, even before the self worth, IDK. The second I feel hurt,sad, pain, uncomfortable I turn everything and everyone around so that it is all about me. I am very talented with control and manipulation. It is hard as I truly am feeling pain and need to take care of me, yet I need to feel the pain and not make it about me. What hard thing to do. I need the hard love, I need to grow up. That is something I have not mentioned on here and I think it has merit. I think I emotionally stopped developing in my early to mid teens, maybe earlier. I emotionally act like a child. It needs to be all about me, the world is centered around me. If I dont get what I want or feel hurt, I will let other know it by whatever means works on them. So I wonder how old I really am, emotionally...At what age does a child act that way, or the way I act?