Becoming PatientMan II - Still En-Route, Post-D

[PatientMan]

Somebody else mentioned that they went through sandi2's 37 rules and found that, though they were difficult at first, were now fully implementing all of them without even thinking about it. So I decided to do the same, and I am honestly 36/37. My miss is #19:

19. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment...

I am having trouble faking it...acting "as if" with a particular set of emotions - the set that doesn't want to be around her. I can act not sad/depressed/grieving, but when I don't want to be around her I just can't seem to mask it.

With as busy as we both are, I guess it isn't that big of a deal. I just realize that the PatientMan that has moved forward with his life and is detached from XW wouldn't be experiencing this set of emotions. So it's proof to both her and me that I'm not there. And it certainly isn't attractive to be standoffish, but when I feel that way I really don't care if she finds me attractive.

Yes, I want her to see what she's missing, and being standoffish doesn't help me in that department. I want to be there...where I don't care. But right now I think about the quick list of things she has done (not absolving my own responsibility), and I'm not past that list.

Maybe I need do need to get it off my chest and just tell her. I can't figure out how to get past it by other means. Which is ironic because if I'm past it then I wouldn't need to tell her...

On my list of goals (end of last thread) was to truly forgive XW. Somehow, though, I seem to "need" two things:

1) Me to tell her what is bothering me and why I'm so hurt by what she's done.
2) Her to acknowledge that these things were she did were wrong.

Well that^ isn't true forgiveness. Forgiveness doesn't come with conditions.

I think I'm back to needing space. While she is acting all hunky dory, I'm just hurt and not okay with her. And maybe that breaks a "rule", but I think it's okay to need my own space.

And when I think about space I realize it pushes her away, and I don't want that. What a mess I am! Aargh!

Maybe I never really held her accountable for her actions in my mind pre-D (well, at least pre-April when I started to feel different). And now that D is final, I'm looking back on what has transpired and accepting the behavior and choices for what they really were, and my mind if finally catching up to reality. I suppose her transgressions were forgivable offenses if she and I reconciled. As time went on I realized more and more that serious work was needed for me to accept her back (but I would still accept her), but now that M is officially/legally over, the reality is fully settling in.

Goodness gracious. I swear I don't intend these posts to be this long when I get started. My mind just starts processing information as I type and the thoughts just come vomiting out.

-PM