I developed a litmus test for my own personal use when trying to figure out what the "right" response to situations involving my W. I tried to develop this test to be in line with both DB and my religion. I am posting this on my thread because: 1) I could be totally wrong. (Please feel free to comment/correct.) 2) I think if there is any merit to how I am thinking then these ideas may be useful to other people on this board.
The test: Am I loving my W?
I believe the promise I made when I got married was that I would love my wife until I died. Two people made that promise that day, but it is only my responsibility to make sure I keep mine. How much of a jerk would I be if I went around making sure other people were keeping their promises? It is the whole argument of worrying about a splinter in somone's eye when I have a log in mine.
Love is an action, not a feeling. I think to love means to do what is in the best interest of someone else even to the extent of your own detriment.
This also means that I can love someone without being "in love" or even happy with them. The big problem with my definition of love is with the definition of "best interest". Generally, I don't know what someone else's best interest is. In broad terms, I think of a person's best interest as personal growth and/or happiness. Again, I don't always know what will provide someone growth or make them happy. I think people have good ideas as to what their own best interests are. In other words, they know what will make them happy.
My approach is to generally support my W in her endeavors (what she thinks will make her happy). I've also taken a position that her feelings are just as important (if not more so) than mine. This makes validating W's feelings important. For example, my W at one point said that our M was not making her happy. In order to continue loving her, I felt I had to accept that a D may be in her best interest even if it I didn't think that it was in mine.
Detachment also makes sense in this theory because then we are not both on the same emotional roller coaster ride. I think it is in her best interest if I can be the rock in her storm. My W has a choice to be with me or not. I want her to have a better choice than she had by GAL and being the best me I can be. I believe that if I stick with this theory that I can live with myself regardless the outcome knowing that I acted with integrity and dignity.
