Not confused...looking inward

[BRNR]

What is the saying 1 step forward, 2 steps back. When will this end? How is it possible that I can love someone who has treated me so horribly, and continues to do so? This I will never know.

I have been reading both online and books on how to heal from a breakup. Some days this works and some days, well I just feel so mixed up. Yesterday (and for most of the week) I had such an empowering day and felt alive and "comfortable" with life...today, down, down, down.

Well, not really down, maybe love struck in a sense. I saw H this morning when he picked up the boys, and while he didn't look "good" per se, I did have a moment where I almost walked up to him to give him a hug and tell him that I loved him. I think it caught me off guard, because while the moment was fleeting, it was followed by the moment of me telling myself "you know you can't do that". Ugh! I don't think I have had one of those urges in a long, long time.

Of course that sent my head in a swirl of emotions. More of "IF" he should come back to me all the work that would be involved to make "US" us again. I see how much work that would be, and at the moment, I am not getting through this too well, so I am concerned I would never make it through a R. IDK, too much future thinking, but that is where I am.

What bothers me at the moment is the "relationship" he is building with OW. Not so much OW, but the fact that he could get involved with someone so easily and have the level of a relationship he is having with her. I know I do a lot of wondering on that, and how great it possibly is, how it compares to our relationship, and how, if we were to R, H would get over it and the memories he built with her. I am not seeing how this doesn't carry into the future of any relationships and this usually drives me into anger...I don't have the energy to get angry this morning.

I am trying to not let it bother me, but on days where I miss H, the thoughts are overwhelming to say the least. Haunting almost, and until I get that Happy moment in my day, typically stays with me. Something I want to figure out how to move past more quickly.

This is definitely some hard stuff. I will say that I am proud of how far I have come. I wish I was a lot further along, but I am where I am, I guess.

I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for...mainly that I get up each morning, see my amazing children, and that I do have a pretty good life. For six months I have worked to keep things intact as much as possible, and so far so good.

So I do see my problems are not life itself, but what this sitch has done to my emotions. I was always strong, confident and sure. Probably overly stressed about everything, but was in control of my feelings, good or bad. Now I feel my feelings control me, not really comfortable with that, but when the feelings are good, I feel awesome, when they are bad, well I feel horrible. Maybe that is good, and I am just not coasting in life and really living it.

Sorry to be such a downer, I feel like it looks outside, dark, and gloomy, and rainy. Quite miserable. Hopefully I don't bring anyone down today with my yucky mess of emotions...