COULD YOU SPEAK FOR ME MORE OR WHAT.: i honestly can't believe the things that come out of your mouth- it's me toomuch:
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I was soo angry yesterday I could have blown a gasget. Should learn German to be real effective! save your time- it's gutteral and "hard" sounding- but no real profanity or slang - not too satisfying- be british- they've got slang and then some Plus, I was hoping to get through to this latin macho son-of-a bleep, tho he wasn't even here!
yeah- i know, i go aorund screaming at the phone sometimes - it's not too satisfying but sometimes makes me laugh thru my rage when i hear self yelling at inanimate object!
I took FY's advice and didn't give him my anger! Today I am better! I can see now that my anger has it's peeks and valleys, but I must remain steady. I also see I am mostly angry at being alone, alone and he has a friend! The man who hated people, bbq's and company, has a fricken friend!
GGEEEEEZ - ME TOO. THIS ratty man of mine- (w4ell, was mine) was that also ! alllll loner and hermit-ie except me , and now this. now i find out he's all mr. social city - without me in it. what a raw deal. i forgo it all for years and years to be by his side - continually - and now he's got his big ole social network and i'm the dope. I CONTINUALLY peak and then feel contrition, wonder wtf - how i'll get thru this- REMIND MYSELF ANGER IS NOT THE ANSWER- IT HURTS ME NOT HIM- HATE IS NOT THE ANSWER - would love the relief of just hating him tho! i'm still in stfu mode.
So maybe I am mad at myself, or my sitch and I'm giving it all to him, not that he doesn't deserve it, but it won't help my healing or R if I give it all too him. Right now I am stuck, I will continue to be a fraud, smile and do my best to be have a life! ______
i am a fraud also- i hate it....
GEEEEE WIZ AGAIN & AGAIN- me too - i'm so mad at myself on a nightly basis- wake up- chastise myself for not DECIDING - JUST DO IT- JUST DO SOMETHING...ETC. but, no quick fix and no quick answer and NOTHING BETTER TO RUN TO...
IF ONLY - IF ONNLY we could snap our fingers and have the new life in place just like them- me too - I AM SO MAD he's got companionship and excitement and i do not. these stinking jerks that have it all lined up- were lining it all up while we were going around being our good old supportive - loving- giving selves.
i don't want to change either- i get it that a loving person is someone you want to keep- i do it- i am false also- i hate that too - and yet - i continue. for me tho- this business of two houses - i am sooooo torn - i don't have time now to go into THAT mess.
gotta get dressed for work- not enough sleep by a few hours- wah- hair screwie - raining- blah blah blah
it does make me talk and laugh and interact and i do like people- collecting new acquaintences and experiences every day tho- so that's a good thing. it's entertainment...
chat later- hope your day is good- hope this is all worthwhile on some basis for us- all i can hope for.
keep reminding myself forget the past - whattya got here? whattya want here? can you do it? achieve it"? who the heck knows?
can't do it- but tell myself anyway- pma? brainwashing- we're trying.
xxoo (()) hang on- somehow it's so wierdly comforting to her another person alive has had same sort of r with a wierd guy- no wonder everyone have been scratching their heads for yeears about what he and i are doing together!!!
it would probably give me a hell of alot of peace of mind if someone official just said "you're nuts" so lump that.
sometimes i feel like it- like old ancient star trek episodes where everything was some alternate universe - and good old jim kirk made some alien blow himself up thru sheer il-logic. you know- the good old days.
i don't particularly WANT TO BE - BUT alot of days it seems like a likely possibility.
tonite- i'm tired as heck- it's (da da dummmmm) weekend- at this moment all i can think about is maybe having a sleeping pill (only got about 5 or 6 hrs last nite) and the little varmits in the middle school today.
i still can't believe how much nerve these kids have- stare ya rite in the eye and do not flinch- i mean, i say sit and they just look rite at my face and say i don't want to.
like- what does it matter what they want??? i never saw the likes-
anyway- i may not be exactly "prevailing" - but i'm not defeated either (by a long shot>)
we'll see what next week brings. it's soooo wierdly challenging and i keep going back. maybe years of mother & h have made me a abuse sponge???!!Q! who knows...
anyway- rite now i'm usually stewing and hating h- i don't care rite now. he can go to He!!. i keep thinking of you saying about stfu- and dbing and so on.
nope- i got nothin. hope you have a good nite and your anger has abated and you're feeling more at peace with the universe.
i wish i could invite you to beach this weekend (tho it's raining - sadly) - nobody wants to go down and i don't feel like going alone. too dreary-
oh well huh???? I AM ENJOYING the chilly weather tho. a couple days in teh 90s made me love this dreary rany cold weather- i'm kind of hoping the summer is a chilly one (don't tell anyone above the mason dixon line i said that...shhhhhh
i got nothin (did i say that already- )
have some wine and think of me - lonely , but with several good books, a million "chores" & projects and some wine. even visited mom and did my duty- free nite and no having to get up at 5 tgomorrow.
Thanks for asking about my weekend, non celebration! No, there was no 10 min stop to Walgreens or anywhere else to pick up a card or anything. But, you know he has never been a guy that kept up w things like that anyways. It's funny because in the sitch we're in I actually expect it more than before.
Maybe it's because I'm more in tune w what I want, making things more noticable to what he doesn't give me! Also, I think it's because if you've been such an ass and now want to be nice, or wtf he is being, wouldn't you think these moments are good opportunities to show yourself?
He did finish my kitchen, and do some x work around the house after a triple shift at work, so I do see that and give it what it's worth. I'm not trying to be selfish or stubborn, I just don't want to get stuck in the " making excuses for him" routine.
Either way, we are still not a C, at least to me, there has been no conversation or breakthrough other than his actions toward me. I will not base my future on this alone!
I keep thinking what "I" would do if h said what your SO said about FL. I don't know! He made it very clear, I guess, that you two are good ole friends, and ow is his, dare I say, one he goes to, his GF! If I went I would feel like FU, this is my life and I'm not stepping aside for you, or what am I the one who won't get a hint?
He's not committed to ow, he belongs to no one! So, she has no say if you go there, she must know, maybe she figures your like her and doesn't care about commitment. She knows your tied up in his life, she must like it like that, then she doesn't have to fully deal w him, some girls like that!
Can you do the whatever see ya in a week or so R, no, your not even in a R w h right now. It sounds like they have and continue to use each other. You need to get far away from that, not become a party. Why is ow so content w the non R all these yrs, to only have in the end no part of him? She's either very independent or wants nothing to do w commitment to a man. So you make the perfect buffer!
If you go, when he comes back from his flight, you will be infuriated, which will make you look like, not a team player in their game! When h would come back after a day of taking ea just getting groceries I would want to rip his face off! Nero, we are not the girls that share, we are homemakers who want our man to have eyes and care for only us!!!!
We are not carefree, free love, Bohemian, key party girls!!
Let him see you take a stand for yourself and not go. At first he may see it as a silly sacrifice for no reason, but he will ponder, he just won't tell you. Don't even say why just say, I'm fine! He doesn't miss you, and when he needs a dose of you he comes to you, keep it that way! This is of coarse only IMHO! Just say enjoy your summer as I will mine, see ya douchebag!
But, again I'm angry willing to sacrifice my man girl! So maybe my words are not good for you and your sitch! I just don't see what to return to, what was cute is now stupid on him, what was funny is now dorky, what smelled good now has smokers smell, but that my sitch!
Ask yourself, what are you holding on to, what do you want out of this sitch! Maybe you can just be in FL and pat him on the head as he gives you the house to yourself. Hell dance around in your underwear and have some wine! Make a friend! What can you handle?
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
You know it's funny, yesterday I was staring at my h as he worked on my cabinets in his jeans w the holes that showed his tall dark and handsome legs and I felt nothing. It was like yea, I remember, but it's so not worth the damn hoops anymore.
Those hoops Nero, they are so narrow, and soo many, it's barely worth the prize! That's when as an LBS we begin to make the decisions for ourselves!
Yesterday, for my anniversary, H told me he was going to try to separate himself from ea. He said it last week as well, so this is the second x. He also talked about retirement and being home more, (not going to happen because we cant afford it), but he says it's on his mind.
It just looks like a hoop in disguise to me. Until he sits me down and talks, really tells me what I need to hear, it's a hoop!
Be careful Nero, your guy is soo smart! Do for you, go for you, stay for you, we all support whatever choice you make!
The past can't be ahead of you in the future. You don't have to figure it all out, just pick a direction. What's next...I don't know but I can't wait!
glad to hear your voice. just a pit stop now - will have to reply later or tomorrow. too much going on- and heading out the door.
anyway- alot to think about. it's all true i want what i want- i am not so willing to just settle for a life of this either-
my brain is too tired after work & mini "confrontation" at mom's with sister's husband. what a goober-
another guy that sure loves himself...
oh well- back later or tomorrow. glad you sound okay & so "fortified". i'm workin on it- i feel alot like you d in general.
i still feel worth alot more than this...
self worth - can they tell? does it matter? who the heck knows.
go, stay - who the heck knows too. i hate him for putting me in this position. tonite tho- can't deal with big thinking.
he's just wearing me down to the nub- i think ow has had a crush forever- i have no idea what the heck she thinks or wants from it all and i could give one $hit. she can go die also- she's less than nothin to me.
h also. i can't get in his head & i can't fix anything. i'm beginning to seriously not care any more what he thinks or feels.
work ends in a couple weeks- i keep thinking one last visit to play with the kids - baby fix for me.
that's all... will check back later- too much to digest now.
xxoo (( )) thanks for honest nput- it's all hoops my dear - will they ever tire of watching us jump thru them - we must be soooo amusing & entertaining and such an ego boost to see us hop.
ya think??? i know my guy is smart - BUT - LET ME TELL YOU - that once you're not talking law or finance - he is a big fool , maybe even bigger than most - sooooo egocentric - & i almost feel sorry for him sometimes. i guess for olden days sake-
having the weekend from hell myself- even laid around in bed sick as a dog and cried- oh man. reduced to this...
read the link you put above -it's good stuff. it helps a bit- BUT honestly- i can't figure it out on my own.
i just don't think i ever will -
i don't think anyone can- i have lost faith in h - i've lost faith that he will ever stop and look at himself and SEE wtf is going on- what he's doing/done-heading for...or care.
no faith in my ability to continue doing this ALONE forever- or as long as it would take. (no faith i'll meet someone to make it easier)
mlc- was? he's got "stuff" of both. i've wondered if it matters what it's called?
maybe he is stuck- maybe he's the one that will never grow up- he does act like a kid- always has. (that "quirky" behavior we thought was okay- put good spin on- ) (still hurts to remember how very fond i was of this man). not as keen as it used to be- i'm getting soooooooo toward the end here...
i've wondered if he will ever re-appreciate us - me- i don't think so. i think he'll do this & be this forever -
i got nothin today- yeah i know- someone said when you're layin at the bottom looking up - there's no where else to go but up ...
ha
he comes back here tue
dread it really- why??? opportunity for him to "check" and make sure i'm still terrible? feels like it-
he'll be perfectly "nice" and "normal" -
i have no desire to woo him- or primp for him- or do anyting other than back over him with the car.
what gives any human being the right to do this to another.
what kind of person CAN do this to another?
sorry- i'm a giant bumnmer myself. i hope your day is okay and you're feeling a bit better.
that post series was really good - i'm going to re read later when i have time. you'e rite also that we learn so much- how the heck to apply it so it HELPS....
what else? I need to clean up a bit. I HATE THAT MY LIFE IS NOTHING MORE THAN the threat of disapproval over - what? everything about me. i'm gettin mighty sick of disapproval- (hey- only took 62years for me to say NO to that...)
sos- i associate him with having to clean up- feeling criticized about it- (his "reason" for defection- mess).
honest or is it his convenient (invented) bs - blamefest?
i vote the latter.
yet- i do it- i hate himn for that and i hate me for that.
i'm okay- i'm not all hate-ie- just felt good to say it out loud.
i'm outta here- it's nice and cool & every day it's not hot i love it and appreciate the stay of execution (hot hot summer heat)
blue-eyed freckle girl signing off-
xxoo ((( ))) we'll get thru- (a bit damaged, but essentially in tact) - but somehow - thru it all in the end... i know it.
possibly (unproductive) thought #9,999,9999999999-
so- weeding just now- i wonder about the quality of - my "true love" - which existed thru a bunch of years of ratty-cold treatment (in ignorance) - but can't last thru two whole years of known cheating (probable mlc aside) -???? wtf...
THEN next thought - equally probably unproductive- soooo, maybe i just need abuse - or accept on some jerky level "being the culprit" - that i'm willing to even look at the quality of MY caring (with a critical eye) - and even consider myself "falling short"... here.
does it say something (bad) about me & my character that all of a sudden it would seem that my 2 major r seem to be me swallowing grief(abuse) and someone (h - mother) dealing it out????
can i be inviting it by just trying to be nice & flexible? (could i be that big a weiner?) ? SO- IS IT ME SENDING SOME - "step on me" message here??? one has to wonder?????
my sister tht totally pi$$es me off alot- says "people don't hear you - unless you make them bleed " (something like that- can't remember word if not bleed)
hate the sentiment- can i be the reverse? is she right? i don't like conflict either
