Dont know what to do...

[Cianna]

Well... It all blew up again.. he came home early, and told me we had to talk. He told me again of his offer of a settlement, and that he had consulted with an attorney but did not retain one. Also, he pulled $3000 out of our account, leaving me with $600. He admitted to opening a seperate account so that I have no access to HIS money.

I had asked him in the past to not have these discussions with me alone as he twists what I say, and continues to insist that I am secretly building a case against him, that several people have confirmed this. Says that my radical change in behavior, along with the way I have been communicating with him all points to me setting him up. He continued to push the issue, and instead of getting up and walking away I burst into tears, and grabbed my DR book. I tossed it on the kitchen island, and said, "youre right.. I have been working on something. Youre right" He picked it up, read the cover and said, "yeh, right. There is no saving us" I then said to him, "really, the major theme of the entire program is to look inside, identify the issues I have, take responsibility for my role in getting us here and fix ME. Its about being a better person, single or reconciled."

The entire fight lasted well over an hour. I did everything wrong. I argued, I countered, I cried.. Then, the cherry on top.. as he was leaving I asked him if he loves me. I was surprised to hear him say, "Yes, I do love you. I dont like you, and I hate who Ive become being married to you."

He is now paying rent on his GFs place because he says that he cant stand living under the same roof with me. Says that no matter what, he cant afford to maintain to households (he absolutely has a spending problem. 1100 alone is 30 days of just cash pulled put no idea where it went)

After he left, I spoke to a friend for 2 hours, one that supports me DBing, and doesnt talk to any one, including H. She actually told me the same thing I have read here countless times... Dont do any of the work for the D. Told me to keep doing what Im doing, dont move out, and dont contest the divorce, but dont agree to any settlement. Just let the judge handle it. Told me to not have ANY conversations with him at all about anything.

I ended up emailing him, and pretty plainly said that I am not going to make any decisions regarding the D, I wont be discussing it any more, and that this entire process will go as easily or as hard as he chooses to make it. I set boundaries as far as discussing me negatively with others, and let him know I needed to know how he would be handling our joint account.

Kaffe; I am more than happy to live as a het-mono woman for the rest of my life with my H. After the D, itll be quite a long time before I will be ready to even think of dating, let alone worry about the gender of the person!

I had taken off my rings this morning, because I had thought I had finally detached... Fail. He said he noticed it, and I told him, "This is me accepting that I am getting a divorce." I will wear them when I go out, simply because I dont want to deal with being approached.

I expect him to file very soon. Im going to continue the program, for me. Ive been his wife/partner for so long, Im going to need to figure out who I am without him.