UW, you may need to start putting a Kleenex disclaimer on your posts
You...
This evening I took the boys to the library. It is a cool rainy day here, and I thought it would be fun for them to pick out some books and DVDs.
So I'm at the red light, and I google how long of a drive it is from my city to yours. Don't worry, I promise I'm not a stalker lol! But you were on my mind...
Btw - It's a little over six hours.
I can still remember the first time you posted to me on my now gone first thread. I was fretting about my upcoming company meeting where I knew they would be together. I remember you telling me, "You be sure to look your best, T. Hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of."
And I did.
I know you are always very honest with me, and I deeply appreciate that about you. You are gentle, but don't sugarcoat. It's your own UW kind of way.
This trip does have me upset. I'm not gonna pretend it doesn't, or that I'm not hurt and angry - because I am.
But I can tell you right now, this trip isn't going to break me.
I know I've mentioned before, though not in great detail, about our preterm baby that we lost. Maybe one day I will post about it, about the profound affect it had on me. But today is not that day.
Anyway, I will say that it was a horrific experience for me. Horrific.
So when tough things happen in my life, hurtful things like this trip (or really anything that has happened during this whole MLC experience) I ask myself...
Is this worse than having to give birth to a baby you know is not going to survive?
The answer is always no.
Sometimes, it's all about perspective.
I know my H is in a bad place, he has even told me numerous times "I'm in a bad place." I looked at him tonight, and saw the deep lines in his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He did not look well. I do feel for him.
And HER...
On one level, I know she is nothing. I know she is an escape, a distraction. But she is not "nothing" to him - she seems to definitely mean something...
And yes, while an A with anyone would have hurt, I can't tell you how many times I have thought, "Why did it have to be her? HER?!?!"
They will always have those vacation memories together. That hurts.
I remember, on an old thread of yours, you talking about the M recovery of the person you are very close to. I read that many times, as it gave me hope. And it helps to know that it IS possible. Just difficult to imagine right now in the midst of all the pain. I want to believe so much that my H could love me again, that we could rebuild our M, that we will remain a family.
I do know what you mean about feeling a shift. I felt it when I realized I was going to be okay no matter what. I remember feeling that realization that my time for begging and pleading with H had ended.
I hope that my next shift will be welcome as well.
Thank you for sharing not only your experiences and wisdom, but your heart and soul. This place isn't the same without you. I mean that.
I hope and pray too that as you face each new day and your challenges, that your new shift will be a welcome one to bring you more peace and happiness.
For some reason, I'm pretty darn sure it will
PS - WFM I know you asked some questions, I promise to answer them soon
Bomb January 2012 - doesn't feel the same about me
~ "There is nothing love cannot face; there is no limit to its faith, hope, and endurance."
