Riding the storm out, or at least trying to!

[job]

You may get bits and pieces of your old h back, but he may very well have a mix of some of the mlc traits too. The question will be when that time comes is "do you like the new and improved h and can you live w/him as he is now, not what he was a long time ago?"

[Takevowsserious]

That is a very good question, Snodderly.

I think back to the wonderful man my H was, and I miss him. A lot.

But then I think that there was always this unrest and unhappiness brewing inside him. I wonder what he would be like if he ever gets to a place that he is settled within himself?

So I would not only have to work on getting past everything he has done to hurt me/our family while he was the pod person, but also would have to see if the new him is even someone I want to be with.

If I'm honest, that is quite overwhelming.

Raine, Linda, Miz J... We could talk all day about the OW!

No matter what the scenario is, it amazes me that our broken men can find someone just as messed up as they are, who are willing to be in a R with a married man.

In my case, I do think they talk about me. It's not like he can lie to her about some things about me - "oh TVS is a big ugly tub o'lard who is mean and an awful mother and wife and not very well liked by anyone."

She knows who I am and the kind of person I am. And I think it bugs her a$$.

I have often read that the OW often does not have remorse or guilt for what they're doing, because they are fed lies about you that justify the A.

But I do wonder, because she was my friend, is there a part of her that has guilt?

Apparently not enough to stop what she's doing!

I think that in all the situations, they simply create their own fantasy world with their warped reality. And ultimately, it is up to them to wake themselves up from their dream.

I hope more than anything that my H will wake up and see what is right before his eyes. His wife and children have so much love for him

Miz J, I have to say you have advanced your level of awesomeness... ccing the OW on the e-mails? I laughed out loud at that!

Raine, I sometimes think of what our parents must be thinking. We are their children after all, and they don't like to see us hurting or mistreated, no matter how old we are. I may be able to forgive my H one day, but I'm not so sure about my parents, which is why I tell them nothing. I may love H unconditionally, but they love me unconditionally.

As far as yoga goes...

I am being serious when I say that it has been life changing for me.

I started doing it when S2 was about 6 months old. I was out of shape, stressed out, and tired. At least I'm not out of shape anymore lol!

It helps tremendously with the stress and emotional overload I face. I always feel so much better after I go.

I see many parallels between yoga and my life. There are things in yoga I never thought I would be able to do, and now 2 1/2 years later, I'm doing them. I'm stronger, more flexible, and have better balance than I thought possible.

But it has taken hard work on my part, and time, to get here. And I'm still not where I want to be, still have goals and challenges for myself.

Sound familiar????

Look up the yoga position "side crow". That is what I'm working on accomplishing now. I never, EVER would have thought that was possible for me.

But isn't that what we are all doing, learning to shatter our limits and learn our true potential?

This Viking princess is going to batten down the hatches because the next few weeks are going to be stormy - birthdays, anniversaries, adulterous beach trips-

I can do this

[makingmagic]

Hi TVS ~ just reviewing your sitch. I cannot imagine being in your household during this difficult time. How are your boys? How is your H towards them? does he spend any time with them or is he so consumed with TT? How is h towards you? How are you towards him? What DB strategies are you using currently?

Sorry for the questions.... I just empathize with you and wonder how you get through the day.

(HUGS)

[uRworthy]

Dear T,

I was thinking about you today. I have some things I want to say to you, if I may.

I want you to know that when I post to you, it is heartfelt and true. I am not just telling you what I think you want to hear. I hope you know that.

I know firsthand how very difficult it is to have the mlcer at home. No matter how detached you are, there is always that feeling in the pit of your stomach. Some days you dont notice it much, some not at all, but, it is always there.

And the feeling is one filled with so many things. It is the feeling that your life has shifted, that your equilibrium is thrown off. You were cruising along, and then a great, big tractor trailer cut you off.

It is unsettling to have your balance thrown, to have the things and people you counted on without a single thought, change before your eyes.

And for you, to have a friend backstab you, is an added heartbreak.

I have been posting here a long time. I care about everyone to whom I post. I think of the sitches more often than I care to admit.

But every once in awhile, someone touches my heart in a special way. I feel a connection, a spark, that I cant quite explain. I feel it with you.

I find myself rooting for you and praying for you and getting angry and sad along with you.

I know part of the reason is because I admire the stuff you are made of. Part of it is your wonderful sense of humor and irony, partly because I get you.

And I want you to know that I know without a single doubt in my mind that no matter what happens, you will be ok.

T, your h is in such a bad way. He is. I can feel his turmoil. His itching and his spinning are all part of it. It is so very sad to me.

I know that this trip is causing you pain. How could it not?

I hope you really believe that the ow is nothing. She could be anyone. He was looking for anything to stop the hurting. That is why they choose people who are broken - because a healthy person would not be having an affair with a married man. They are two fractured people who cannot figure out how to fix themselves. And so they get caught up in this as a way of blocking out the real issues - that start with themselves.

I remember when my xh went away with her. It was my 25th wedding anniversary. I thought I would never get through that week, T.

At first I imagined them laughing together at me, knowing what day it was. And then I realized, that day was mine. It marked a special day in my life. They couldnt taint it. They couldnt touch it.

And as I started to think more and more, I saw so clearly that it really was all out of my control and that the only thing I could control was me. So I decided that I wasnt going to allow what they were doing to interfere with me and my journey. I released the pain and really began to accept that whatever was going to happen, was supposed to happen.

That isnt to say that I still didnt hurt. I did. But, I felt calmer, more at peace. And I got through that week, T. I did some special stuff for myself. I made plans with some special people.

I think we experience shifts often in life. Sometimes they are so small we dont even feel them. By the end of that week, I felt a shift in me. I knew that I would be ok. I knew that no matter what, I had loved with all my heart, the best way I knew how. I knew that I was becoming the person I was meant to be. I knew that I was loved and was blessed. And I knew that I would not allow what they were doing to taint that.

T, I know this is going to be hard. I wish that I could take away the hurt and the feeling of betrayal that you feel. I wish I could tell you that everything is going to be ok. I cant.

I can tell you that there is a reason for everything. I believe that with all my heart. I can tell you that you are an incredible person. I can tell you that if you trust in Him, all things are possible.

I have two people that I know, one who is very close to me, that have gone through their spouses' MLC's and affairs. Both of them have marriages that are incredible. They weathered the storm and came out stronger than before. They are different people, for sure. But they would all tell you that their hearts have healed. They have moved past it and have seen their marriages with a new depth, deeper honesty, stronger connections.

I want you to know that I will be praying for you and your h. I will be sending positive thoughts and hugs your way. I will be hoping that the shift you may feel, is one you welcome.

[TSquared2]

That, ^^^^, was just pure beauty...made me tear up...

Thank you, though it wasn't directed to me, I got a lot from it...

T^2

[Raine]

That was really special UW. Makes me glad this forum doesn't have private messaging so I could share in that. You're a really special person to be willing to spend so much time helping others in such a difficult time. Thank you for that.

[Takevowsserious]

T, you weren't the only one that teared up....

UW, you may need to start putting a Kleenex disclaimer on your posts

You...

This evening I took the boys to the library. It is a cool rainy day here, and I thought it would be fun for them to pick out some books and DVDs.

So I'm at the red light, and I google how long of a drive it is from my city to yours. Don't worry, I promise I'm not a stalker lol! But you were on my mind...

Btw - It's a little over six hours.

I can still remember the first time you posted to me on my now gone first thread. I was fretting about my upcoming company meeting where I knew they would be together. I remember you telling me, "You be sure to look your best, T. Hold your head high, you have nothing to be ashamed of."

And I did.

I know you are always very honest with me, and I deeply appreciate that about you. You are gentle, but don't sugarcoat. It's your own UW kind of way.

This trip does have me upset. I'm not gonna pretend it doesn't, or that I'm not hurt and angry - because I am.

But I can tell you right now, this trip isn't going to break me.

I know I've mentioned before, though not in great detail, about our preterm baby that we lost. Maybe one day I will post about it, about the profound affect it had on me. But today is not that day.

Anyway, I will say that it was a horrific experience for me. Horrific.

So when tough things happen in my life, hurtful things like this trip (or really anything that has happened during this whole MLC experience) I ask myself...

Is this worse than having to give birth to a baby you know is not going to survive?

The answer is always no.

Sometimes, it's all about perspective.

I know my H is in a bad place, he has even told me numerous times "I'm in a bad place." I looked at him tonight, and saw the deep lines in his face, the dark circles under his eyes. He did not look well. I do feel for him.

And HER...

On one level, I know she is nothing. I know she is an escape, a distraction.
But she is not "nothing" to him - she seems to definitely mean something...

And yes, while an A with anyone would have hurt, I can't tell you how many times I have thought, "Why did it have to be her? HER?!?!"

They will always have those vacation memories together. That hurts.

I remember, on an old thread of yours, you talking about the M recovery of the person you are very close to. I read that many times, as it gave me hope. And it helps to know that it IS possible. Just difficult to imagine right now in the midst of all the pain. I want to believe so much that my H could love me again, that we could rebuild our M, that we will remain a family.

I do know what you mean about feeling a shift. I felt it when I realized I was going to be okay no matter what. I remember feeling that realization that my time for begging and pleading with H had ended.

I hope that my next shift will be welcome as well.

Thank you for sharing not only your experiences and wisdom, but your heart and soul. This place isn't the same without you. I mean that.

I hope and pray too that as you face each new day and your challenges, that your new shift will be a welcome one to bring you more peace and happiness.

For some reason, I'm pretty darn sure it will

PS - WFM I know you asked some questions, I promise to answer them soon

[uRworthy]

Thank you, though it wasn't directed to me, I got a lot from it...

You're welcome, T^2. You are a very special man.

You're a really special person to be willing to spend so much time helping others in such a difficult time. Thank you for that.

Raine, thank you for your kind words. And you are welcome.I am honored to be able to help in any way. I remember when I was going through this and the people who helped me through. I will never forget them. I am just paying it forward.

But you were on my mind...

Btw - It's a little over six hours.

Oh T, that's doable!!!!! One day. So strange that we were both thinking of each other today. Well, not really.


But I can tell you right now, this trip isn't going to break me.

I know it's not, T.


Is this worse than having to give birth to a baby you know is not going to survive?

The answer is always no.

T, I am so very sorry. I cannot imagine the pain. I lived through it with my sister. It is beyond words.

Sometimes, it's all about perspective.

Yes, it is.

But she is not "nothing" to him - she seems to definitely mean something...

I know you dont see it now, T, but I promise you, what he feels for her is not love. How could it be? This is a relationship based on lies and deceit.. What they feel isnt real. It's a clinging to a life raft before it goes under. It is built of mirrors and sand.

When my xh and I spoke about his affair, he said it was an adrenaline rush, it was two people lost, who felt that no one else understood them. He said it was the catalyst to get him out a marriage that he thought was causing his unhappiness.

I asked him, did you ever love her? He could have lied, but, for what purpose? We were long divorced and moved on. He said, how could I have loved her, UR? She was more broken than I was. I used the act of trying to fix her to get me to forget about what was broken in me.

They will always have those vacation memories together. That hurts.

Do you know that I had receipts of places they have gone? I asked him about some of them. I swear to you that he looked at me as if I had two heads. He said, my body was there, but that was it. I honestly dont remember.

I want to believe so much that my H could love me again, that we could rebuild our M, that we will remain a family.

Believe it, T, because it is possible. I have seen it. There is always hope. Always.

Thank you for sharing not only your experiences and wisdom, but your heart and soul. This place isn't the same without you. I mean that.

Thank you.

I hope and pray too that as you face each new day and your challenges, that your new shift will be a welcome one to bring you more peace and happiness.

Thank you, my friend. I hope that, too.

[RosaLinda]

Oh TVS, how it hurts me that you are in such pain. 

I promise this will all be worth it in the end. No one can predict what will happen with your M, but even if it does not work out, you will be able to know that you gave it all you could, that you have no regrets that you should have done something differently. 

You have had such sad things happen to you, things that no woman should have to live through. God must have great plans for you!

Fondly, Linda

PS thanks UR, your post to TVS helped me a lot too

[Raine]

T if you can go through that, you can go through anything. I can only imagine--no, I can't. I can't comprehend how hard that would have been to go through. I'm sorry you had that happen.

No one said it would be easy, but no one said it would be this hard. And no one knows what it's like. No one knows what it feels like for you, but there are so many who are here for you and love you.

You should be hurting,T. If you didn't hurt, you wouldn't love him. If you didn't love him, it would be easy to let him go. Every new thing is a new cut and a new wound to heal. And there will be scars, but it's up to you to determine how often you look at them and how much they affect you. And maybe one day you'll forget they're even there. There will be too much joy going on around you to look down and notice them.

Side crow? Okay that is f'ing brilliant! That'll be me one day! Maybe I better set a four year goal on that to be safe.