My WAW story

[stilllookingup]

I disagree that I've ignored her in every possible way. We hugged every day, we had small talk every day, we did things on the weekends (not every weekend but quite a bit), watched TV together, went out together, went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together. Was it enough? Obviously not. And I knew it to some degree, just not to the degree that she felt. I was simply being stubborn I guess.

I cooked every weekday night after coming home from full-time work. I made sure he had 2 celebration for his birthday because his bd falls on a major American holiday. I built a great relationship with his family and his best friends. I encouraged and stayed with him while he was unemployed nearly 3 years and never thought about leaving him. Was it enough? Apparently not.

You see, it does not matter as long as you don't speak her love language. Just like your w, my H never really expressed to me that he was really unhappy until big BD. Do you know what he said in the first BD email? "I regret all these years I couldn't communicate with you how I felt" It crashed me big time when I read it. Have you read 5 languages of love yet?

So it sounds like your W too had trouble opening up to you. And you'd have to wonder why. All these years I thought I made him so comfortable he could tell me anything. Boy was I wrong. Everyone knew I was the moody one. Everyone knew I wore pants in this m. What I didn't know until BD was he was not ok with being the quiet, laid-back one. All these years I thought he wanted to be that guy because he rarely complained.

This question REALLY woke me up. Woke me up to what COULD have been. About 1-2 years after we got married she did mention the possibility starting a family. I even caught her looking at names online one day. She said that she'd be ready in a year.

So what happened in that year's time? I don't really know. She did start getting into her photography more. She started scrapbooking too. I can't remember if I did anything that would have changed her mind. Maybe that's when I slowly started to "settle" into our M and stopped giving her what she needed...I'm not sure. Ultimately I surmised that deep down she figured out that a family wasn't for her and that the idea of having our own family was simply because I wanted one. WOW...if that's true then she loved me more than I can imagine. Maybe I never loved her as much as she loved me?? Maybe I'm not capable of that much love???

I asked that because I really believe my H was just like that.
Sigh.. ugh it's so painful to talk about it. For a longest time he was not ready to have kids and I wasn't really rushing either because we got married when we were both 30-ish and we were on a long distance for so long I wanted to enjoy being the two of us first. When I was ready, he lost his job and didn't have a job for nearly 3 years. He finally got a stressful but rewarding and promising job and I could tell he was finally ready. He would even talk about babies and kids. We finally started trying and you know what we found out? We both had conditions that made it difficult to conceive naturally. oh I was crashed. I waited all these years and now this? I had surgery right away to take care of my problem. But even after the surgery Dr recommended that we'd go ahead and do IVF. I was rushed big time because of my condition and age. To make a long story short, all the medication made me even crazier and irritated I blew up at something about him one day in the midst of IVF medications. And something snapped inside of him and said "I don't want to be a dad"

He felt unloved. He felt so used. He thought I just wanted to hurry up and have a baby. He felt I would do anything I want and not think about his happiness. And what hurts is that I don't think he was totally off. I felt all these years he is the man in this relationship. I left my country, family and friends to start a life with him in U.S. I felt he NEEDED to make me happy no matter what. The only thing he was wrong about it is that I never just wanted to have a baby. I've always wanted to have a family with him. We have a successful frozen embryo and our consent says we'll let the clinic to transfer them to me in case of D, but I'm willing to donate them instead of transferring to me in case of D.

So I believe your W actually wanted to have a family with you in the first 2 years. I don't know what you did in your m but when she started feeling she was unloved, she probably threw the idea out the door.

This is your chance to be the person your w wanted but couldn't have.