Originally Posted By: AnotherStander

Let's assume for a moment that she IS having an affair. Why would she have started that? Could it be the below?


Probably, yes. She probably wasn't getting enough of it from me. I just didn't know it was that bad. I knew that I could do better but it was easy for me to choose not to because she rarely "complained" about it. Yes, I take responsibility for it. I should have corrected it.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
She's been unhappy for SIX YEARS!!! You've been ignoring her in the M in every way possible. Could it be possible that she was looking for what was ABSENT in the marriage? Someone that would show her love, attention and affection? Here's the deal with affairs, they are almost always a symptom of problems in the M, not the cause. The cause was your coldness, detachment and inattention. The effect of that is the affair.


I disagree that I've ignored her in every possible way. We hugged every day, we had small talk every day, we did things on the weekends (not every weekend but quite a bit), watched TV together, went out together, went grocery shopping together and cooked dinner together. Was it enough? Obviously not. And I knew it to some degree, just not to the degree that she felt. I was simply being stubborn I guess.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
I'm always surprised when people say an affair is a total deal-killer to them, because they've in essence been having their own affair for years beforehand. Perhaps their affair partner was work, or a classic car, or golfing, etc. They were doing something OTHER than being involved in their marriage. But when the tables are turned, suddenly it's a deal-killer. I really don't get that.


I've never thought about affairs that way. You could say my affair was with my hobbies. However I still think an affair with another person is more serious. I don't know why as they both detract from the M, but the "classical" affair is typically not acceptable by society.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
That's pretty bad. I'm not sensing any remorse or guilt from you though, what do you think about your W saying there was so little love in your M that her love tank is "totally destroyed"? Do you have any sympathy for her feeling that way? Do you have any guilt over your contributions to her feeling this way?


I do have regret, remorse, and guilt. I'm actually a very sensitive and emotional person. It killed me when she said those words. It hurt bad knowing that I hurt her so badly. I'm tearing up now just thinking about it. Before she left I saw a photo on her camera that she took of herself (she did self portraits a lot). The pain and sadness in her eyes broke my heart. OK, now the tears are hitting my keyboard.

Originally Posted By: AnotherStander
You were cold and distant in the M, so this will just look to her like "more of the same" behavior. You don't want to shower her with gifts either, but I think you should do something thoughtful as a 180.


All I know to do is send a simple text telling her Happy Birthday. I'm not sure how far to go past that.

Thanks for the comments AS. They hurt but I needed it.


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...