Struggling!

[MrBond]

SSMGUY,

(Sorry for the hijack jaytee35)

"I get dizzy from all the different implied legal or moral rules different people have about when it's OK and not OK to have sex."

First of all, there are no "rules". People are free to do whatever they wish.

"You can legally have sex with anyone you want, married or not, as long as it's consensual and they are of legal age."

In a broad sense, this is true. I'm not sure where you pulled the "legal age" thing from but it is true.

"So you seem to be preaching that it's not OK to have sex outside of your marriage, even if your spouse refuses to have sex and is practically separated from you, but it IS OK to have as much sex as you want, with as many people as you want, if you are not married -- which a whole bunch of other people would strongly disagree with."

Nope didn't say that nor was I preaching. You are making broad assumptions without thinking of context. First of all, he wasn't really in his sitch that long so a little more patience would have been good. Second, having sex with another person WHILE actively pursuing their spouse opens up a whole bunch of personal problems for all involved. It's not fair to the LBS or the WAS or the third person who actually does have feelings. As the third person in the picture, typically they don't want to be strung along emotionally and be the second choice. Plus you run into the issues of potential STDs that might be passed back onto the WAS if there is a reconciliation. That's just the facts. But again, it is a choice. Not saying that one is right and the other is wrong. It's just based on the individual.

"So by your rules, if I had a girlfriend, I can still have sex with as many other women as I wanted, as long as I made sure I didn't "tie myself down" by getting married."

Uh, no that's not what I said. If you were in a committed relationship and had sex with other women, I'm pretty sure that's considered cheating from the GF's POV unless it's an open relationship. Of course, that would mean that the BF would have to feel okay with the GF having sex with others also. Again, it's a personal choice.

"Or is your advice mainly based on some legal trouble you can get into in a divorce proceeding, where a spouse can claim things because you "cheated" and they did not? That I could understand."

That's part of it.

"But if it's just the moral of not hurting people's feelings, I'm not sure a spouse is going to feel a whole lot better because you divorced them so you could have sex, rather than just having sex with someone else while still married, as long as you where honest with them about what you were doing."

It involves more than just the couple as stated above. Besides if there are kids involved, whatever actions you undertake, gets learned by them. Not saying if it's right or wrong, but there are consequences to anything you do.

On a side note, you seem to be touchy about things being considered "moral" or "ethical". Those vary with the individual. I don't see it as moral or ethics. You just have to look at the situation and individuals. You do what you need to do to feel good about yourself and your relationship.

"I guess you could say we are having an open marriage in the sense that she says that I just need to do whatever I need to do to take care of my needs. I'd prefer a conventional marriage with exclusive sex, but that's out."

That [censored].

"And we both prefer it to divorce. So, yes, it's working a lot better than divorce."

That doesn't really make sense, but again, that's your W and yours choice. Although if I were your W, I'd be worried about STDs. Do you even kiss?

"I know a lot of people say you should divorce because then you could find someone with whom you could have a standard marriage with sex, and that is all kosher and moral."

Um no. Sex and intimacy is an expression of your love towards one another. It's not necessarily "moral" or "kosher". It's another way of communication on a deeper level. Personally it's that level of intimacy that increases trust, vulnerability and being in tune with your spouse. It's what separates your spouse from say a sibling.

"Easy to say when it's not your marriage of many decades, as if spouses are just interchangeable units."

To me, if your W felt this same way, then she'd sacrifice a little rather than nothing. I get it that she feels uncomfortable, etc. but unless she's physically unable to do anything sexual, I think it helps to validate you if she threw a bone at you every now and then. A relationship is about giving on both spouses' parts. Sounds like in this dept. she's just taking. That's just my opinion.