Hey Bluedown, my thoughts are with you as I know that temptation -- to text or call and make the seemingly harmless request for another chance. You have to put the phone down when that urge strikes. It's more pressure. You need to be loving (in a detached way) for sure but you need to be moving forward, not trying to cling onto her and what you had; have you seen the comparisons around here between DBing and martial arts like judo that use your opponent's own weight against them? If you're not fighting against what she is asking for, you can't be the enemy anymore. You're on her side! When you can do this, it's a major turning point in any situation.
I know it seems counter-intuitive but everything about dealing with a WAS is. Have you read Divorce Remedy yet? This will really help you get your head around the way your W is thinking. If you haven't it is really important you get your hands on it ASAP. These boards really helped while I waited for postage out to Australia but everything really clicked once I read the book for the first time.
I don't want to be the guy that recommends drugs, but I also found that implementing DB techniques from the get-go when I should've found it much more difficult to stay the course emotionally was much helped by getting on an SNRI. I was on Pristiq for about ~3 months and if you have trouble sticking to the DB plan in moments of emotional weakness it could be worth a look.
Me: 24 W: 24 T: 9 M: 6 S7, D4, S2 PA Starts, ILYBINILWY: Nov 2012 BD & PA Discovered: Jan 2013 First ML since BD: April 2013 Physical separation: Mid-May 2013
Hi Bluedown~~ My H decided just to not come home on March 1. I got the speech in January about he was unhappy, had been for years, blah,blah,blah. I thought we were working thru things but then he bailed from everything in March. I really had no idea it was coming and to say I was devastated is a massive understatement. It's been a rough couple days but I know when the good days come you appreciate them soooo much. You are in my thoughts and prayers. The loneliness is just really getting me down and the fact that I miss my old H so much. This new H is just a maniac. Hang. In there!
Limbowife.... I'm so sorry to hear about your situation. Do you have extended family to help you? I understand the lonliness part all to well. Is your husband having a MLC?
Hey Bluedown~~Thanks... Not really any help that is why I depend so much on everyone here and I am so glad I found this site. My Mom is gone and I worry about putting too much pressure on my Dad. So it really was pretty much just my small family always being there for each other. But since H decided to bail it's pretty much me and my kids. I am pretty sure he in MLC. Following the script pretty much like he wrote it. Didn't know I could feel this bad and hurt so much yet still be alive. I just keep praying and holding on as much as I can trying to do all the right things while he go thru this. I keep thinking he has broken me. But I need to be strong and become a better me for my kids and myself. I am here for hugs and lots of encouragement but not too good with advice--yet . Take care.
Anybody else on the DB forum on a Friday night? Need some advice. It's 9 weeks since our separation and my W is driving back from seeing her family and will be in the car all evening. She took my phone call today and talked for 8 minutes before she made an excuse and hung up. Should I text her and ask her for more conversation this evening? Here's my rationale. My W is supposed to tell me at our joint MC session on 6/18 if she wants a divorce or try and reconcile. We've barely talked over the 9 weeks and I feel like time is running out to tell her my heart. The 45 minutes in MC goes by so quick. Thoughts and advice?
M -35 W -39 M -12 T -13 D7 D5 BD-4/2/13 Kicked out - 4/6/13
Hey Blue! I'm here on a Friday night! Nice to meet you. LOL! I've got some GAL activities planned for the next two days and had 2 activities mid-week so tonight is downtime. What about you? How's your GAL going?
I went back and read your thread. No do not call her. Do not text her. In reading your thread she has been asking you for space for weeks and you have not been giving it to her. The more you pursue the more you will push her away.
How about a 180 on this friend? We can come up with all sorts of reasons to contact our S's. I had one in my head today myself! But I didn't act on it. It was just an excuse.
I also caught that you go to the house twice a day to care for the dog? Can your W or kids not help you with this? It seems that going there everyday twice a day would really impede your ability to detach and focus on yourself. Is this an excuse to see your W everyday?
Time is NOT running out. But you have to SLOW down. What if you focused on you. Spent time with your D's, and left all non-kid related contact with your W for MC?
She "took your call"... she "made an excuse and hung up". She's asking for space. You have got to give it to her.
What are you going to do this weekend? How can you occupy your mind and time while doing something for yourself?
Me(F):40 WAW:44 T:13yrs M:9yrs BD:2/12 (I saw a text) ILYBINILWY: 5/12 PA admission: 12/12 (began 3/11) S:2/13 Moves in w/AP D begins: 7/13 W moves home to R: 10/13
GAL is non existent for me....:(. I had a great life before all this. Yah... I hear you on the contact piece. I've been going to the house twice a day to care for the dog while she's out of town. I need to slow down..... It's soooo hard. Thanks for the advice.. Glad to hear you have plans this weekend...
I noticed that twice (in the last 3 pages) you referred to what a great life you had before BD. Clearly your W did not feel this and, perhaps, you are looking at things differently now that W is gone. Did you really feel that happy before? If so, why were you so happy and W wasn't? What was W unhappy about? Has she told you? If not, can you figure it out? You have to 180 these issues and give her time.
Pressuring her and contacting her will make it worse. Every time you are tempted to contact her, you need to make the decision all over again about what you want. If you want to have a chance, you must choose not to contact her. Give her some space.
Originally, I was a WAW, later the LBH. When I was the WAW, my husbands pursuing me drove me further away because he didn't want to do the things I needed prior to me walking away. Eventually, I ended up the LBS, I had to stop calling, texting and trying to work things out. I did, and now we are sort of working on things. If I had not dropped things, I know we wouldn't be here.
You can do this! Be sure to GAL..no matter how small, the change will be noticed.
M 46 H 44 D 12 S 8 M 9 T 11 BD 2/15/13 "Makes sense to stay together" 5/12/13 Agree we are 'healing' 7/13 Definitely Piecing 9/13
Why did you walk away? What brought you back? Lack of time, attention, love, and harsh words drove us apart...I've gone to mc 10 times since separation with 3 being joint. I've sincerely heard her complaints, felt her pain, and expressed remorse, sorrow, and a strong desire to save the marriage. She's still unsure of how to move forward.... Stuck in limbo and not sure if going completely dark is the right thing to do at this point because that's what got us into this mess? Confused, unsure, and heart broken.
. Take care.