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sandi2 #2354940 06/04/13 07:26 PM
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I agree with sandi, treat this with WAW in A. fortunately, it's only been couple of months that you found out about the phone call. In my sitch it was a year after the IDLY bomb til I found out my W's EA. The EA by that time was full blown and the cycle keeps repeating itself because my W is so addicted to OM.

I suspect she will go underground with this contact. Are you guys still living together? IMO you need to set some boundaries.


me40; W43
M18; T~20
D18; S13 & S3
bomb 5/9/11
EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM

Separated 4/1/14

"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.


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Originally Posted By: newman7977
Are you guys still living together? IMO you need to set some boundaries.


She moved out on 3/30.


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
JRG #2355559 06/06/13 01:27 AM
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Sandi your post has really made me think. And honestly has brought me down a few notches frown. For me an affair, probably of any variety, is non-forgivable. I 100% trusted my wife in our M and if she was in an A I could never look at her the same. I'm 99% sure of this. I would no longer feel that our relationship was special.

If I assume that she is in fact having an A, my brain will force my heart to turn away from her and never look back. I wish I could prove or disprove an A because I hate to assume something that will have such monumental repercussions. This really suks!!

Newman, it's terrible that you had to wait a year to find out about your W's A. It's SO unfair!

As of now I have decided not to acknowledge her birthday (coming up this Friday). What's the worst that can happen...divorce? (Sorry, attempt at some humor).


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
sandi2 #2355561 06/06/13 01:30 AM
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Originally Posted By: sandi2
[quote]IMO, you need to handle this as having a WAW who is in an A. No contact of any kind. Let her wonder what you are thinking, feeling, and doing. Stop with the temp checks.



What is she contacts me? Ignore? Be short? Be friendly?


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
JRG #2355610 06/06/13 05:25 AM
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"What is she contacts me? Ignore? Be short? Be friendly?"

Just be polite let her initiate all contacts, don't ignore her just be short on your responses, don't be rude. Create some mystery for you and act busy. I read some of your sitch, you seem "too available" for her.

"Newman, it's terrible that you had to wait a year to find out about your W's A. It's SO unfair!"

Yep it happens. She hid it well, but they got sloppy and I saw one text and that's when I requested all phone logs. It also didnt help that I thought that she couldn't do such a thing. I started snooping and confirmed the EA...that's why I think it's good to be informed. If I would've found out her EA early after the bd maybe she's not entangled too deep after a year. But after the bd I did all the wrong stuff up until a yr later that I found out the EA and DBing. I already pushed her deep into it. When I looked at the calls/texts logs the first contact was a month before the bd. As the EA went on, the more it magnified all our normal problems, I mean who doesn't have Problems in R? So I believe in WAS pushing for S Or D are involve in A because someone is waiting on the side. It's a form of security it's human nature.

I also believe that the sitch won't improve if the WAS is infatuated in A. So it's up to you if you want to wait until the A dies. But make sure your W don't lose any more respect for you by enabling her A.

In the meantime make the changes for you, and as we say detach and gal. LRT is good I've been applying it to save me and helps me to detach. So far my W is confused about leaving and filing.

I learned a lot from Sandi, follow her posts. You have to regain respect and confidence do it for you. Don't sugar coat ur WAW's A. Stand up for yourself and value yourself. Protect yourself, consider separating your finances, I mean you don't want to be paying for her A right?

Consult a L, doesn't mean you'd file but at least you will be informed about your rights and the process of D in case she serves you. Don't panic. The first consultation is free, check out your local bar assoc. Most of all let her do all the work if she wants to D.

Just my thoughts.

Newman


me40; W43
M18; T~20
D18; S13 & S3
bomb 5/9/11
EA busted 4/30/12; 9/4/12; 4/29/13; 6/10/13 same OM

Separated 4/1/14

"Even a flicker of light will shine through darkness-12/25/2012"....better days ahead.


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I daresay the vast majority of situations have some level of A involved. One of the hard lessons is that all people are capable of an A in the right circumstances - it's just the circumstances that vary from person to person.

If there's suspicious activity or even a feeling that something is not right - it's safe to operate on the assumption that there's an A until proven otherwise. That's how likely it is. I'm sorry to be so blunt, but it helps to think this way early on.

When I read a situation where the LBS says they are lucky there is no A I tend to think the likelihood of there having been one that was either well-hidden or where the LBS is in denial is pretty high still. This seems to be particularly strong with WAWs, who may have been ready to leave for years but were waiting for the safety net of a new man.

That said, with time and patience, working through it all, you may find that you can get past an A. Once the initial sting wears off, people find that while the "special" aspect of the relationship you mention may seem to be gone, there's still something much more substantial worth fighting for.

It is possible there has been no A and I don't mean to offend you, but given what you've said I'd operate on the assumption that there is at the very least an EA going on.


Me: 24 W: 24
T: 9 M: 6
S7, D4, S2
PA Starts, ILYBINILWY: Nov 2012
BD & PA Discovered: Jan 2013
First ML since BD: April 2013
Physical separation: Mid-May 2013
JRG #2355697 06/06/13 02:45 PM
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Originally Posted By: JRG
For me an affair, probably of any variety, is non-forgivable. I 100% trusted my wife in our M and if she was in an A I could never look at her the same.


Let's assume for a moment that she IS having an affair. Why would she have started that? Could it be the below?

Quote:
she had been unhappy in our M for 6 years, that she felt that I've been ignoring her (conversationally and emotionally), and that she still loved me but didn't have feelings for me anymore.


She's been unhappy for SIX YEARS!!! You've been ignoring her in the M in every way possible. Could it be possible that she was looking for what was ABSENT in the marriage? Someone that would show her love, attention and affection? Here's the deal with affairs, they are almost always a symptom of problems in the M, not the cause. The cause was your coldness, detachment and inattention. The effect of that is the affair. I'm always surprised when people say an affair is a total deal-killer to them, because they've in essence been having their own affair for years beforehand. Perhaps their affair partner was work, or a classic car, or golfing, etc. They were doing something OTHER than being involved in their marriage. But when the tables are turned, suddenly it's a deal-killer. I really don't get that.

Quote:
I was in disbelief and told her that I thought that we'd be together forever.


She doesn't care what you think. In her mind, you had 6 years to demonstrate that to her and you didn't. So your words don't ring true now.

Quote:
She said that her "love tank" was not only empty but totally destroyed.


That's pretty bad. I'm not sensing any remorse or guilt from you though, what do you think about your W saying there was so little love in your M that her love tank is "totally destroyed"? Do you have any sympathy for her feeling that way? Do you have any guilt over your contributions to her feeling this way?

Quote:
As of now I have decided not to acknowledge her birthday (coming up this Friday).


You were cold and distant in the M, so this will just look to her like "more of the same" behavior. You don't want to shower her with gifts either, but I think you should do something thoughtful as a 180.


Me: 60 w/ S18, D24, D27

M: 21 years; BD: 06-14-12; S: 09-10-12; D final: 03-17-14; XW:57
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AS to the rescue! ^^ agree. I always thought any kind of affair would be a deal killer for me before any of this happened, maybe because I thought we were happy.

I'm still hurt H started seeing somebody after we were separated but I know it's not a deal breaker if he honestly wants to come back to me. If he feels obligated to come back to me out of guilt, that WILL be a deal breaker for me.


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Just to add.. earlier in my sitch I was so devastated that I turned to my friends for support. Except a very few, they all say the same. "You deserve better, you should move on" When you hear your friends say that when you are at the bottom, you get confused. After DB-ing, I decided to not tell them my sitch in detail. They still still tell me to move on and I just say "Thank you for caring about me" and that's it.

They are just in awe that we are splitting up because we looked like a PERFECT couple to them. They see I'm not moving on and think H must have a stone head and is an idiot for leaving me. But the truth is.. they don't know how our m really was. They don't know what I went through or what H went through. Just like AS pointed out, your W was unhappy for 6 years! That's a long time. You have to think what you think you stopped doing after 2 years of marriage. She remembers that she had been unhapppy for 6 years so she must have been happy for the first 2.

This is the time to think about what you want too. You said she pointed out that you have different goals. You wanna settle but she doesn't. Do you think she never ever wanted to have a family or do you think she would have wanted to start a family if she was happy in the marriage?


M37 H36
M8 T12 inc 3yr L-dist
7/12:H broke down
10/12:H dad D frm W4. BD soon after
1/13:H wants to leave
2/13:H gpa passed. Feels closer but H still leaving
3/13: S begins
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Posts: 86
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I'll reply more later, but I just wanted to say that I'm SO torn right now. It seems that some are saying to "let go" completely which in my mind means no initiating contact. Other are saying it's OK???


Me:38, Wife:36
M:8
T:13
No kids
Bomb:3/10/13
W moved out:3/30/13
Started D paperwork: 10/14/13
D final: 12/30/13
To a future of love and happiness...
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