Sorry you are not getting a lot of response to your sitch right now, Alf. It can help if you actually participate in other topics, even if it is just offering moral support for our peers who are going through the same troubles.
You may not feel qualified to offer advice, but often offering an ear and validating goes a long way. AND... it can help you practice your 180s.
As for that, great 180s. Keep working on those.
Also, do you feel you are LRT or do you feel you'd prefer to stick with 180s and less drastic DB techniques, for now?
Stick to your STFU, listen and validate 180s right now. NO R talk and no defence or excuses on your part regarding any complaints that appear directed at you.
You need to detach from her words and actions. Do you know about "dim"?
Thanks for responding, KD. I can use all the help/support I can get.
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Also, do you feel you are LRT or do you feel you'd prefer to stick with 180s and less drastic DB techniques, for now?
That is something I struggle with. I have been contacting her less. I do not initiate contact unless I have a question or need to pass some info to her. She does initiate contact through text, chat, and calling. Its not as often, but at least once a day.
When she does contact me, I try to keep my responses shorter and do not attempt to keep the conversation going longer. If she feels I didn't listen to her like I should, I wonder if doing this doesn't show her that I can?
W was texting with a friend last night while we were sitting on the couch. She said her friend was sad because her husband didn't ask how her day went, and she had a rough day. W said she told her she better speak up now and tell him it made her sad. Then W made a comment about learning that lesson the hard way. I didn't respond. This was one of the first times outside of counseling she has somewhat admitted she made a mistake. I wasn't sure if she was trying to drop me a hint. I've learned this is how she told me things in the past, and I didn't pick up on them. I have been asking about her day/work more, and then actually listening. She has opened up more from one word responses I got before BD. Should I keep doing this?
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
Stick to your STFU, listen and validate 180s right now. NO R talk and no defence or excuses on your part regarding any complaints that appear directed at you.
I fee like I had made some progress through initiating some R talk, and then listening/validating. I don't talk about the future, but it helped me figure out what the main issues were for her. She has opened up a little more. Should I now back off from that?
Originally Posted By: Kaffe Diem
You need to detach from her words and actions. Do you know about "dim"?
I am doing my best to detach. Its hard, but I am getting a little better every week. I am a little familiar with "dim" from reading other threads. Is that something I should be doing?
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Things have been good (considering the sitch) since my last post. I got a new job. This was something I have been flirting with for years, and definitely one of the things my W wished I had done sooner. I didn't do it for her though. I did it for me and it felt great to get the offer. Its a slight bump in pay, and the benefits are great. I start in two weeks. A little nervous with our living situation up in the air, but I feel its something I need/want to do. I'm excited!
Friday I left work early and went fishing with my brother for a few hours. My W texted me pics of S getting ice cream. She continues to contact me regularly, which I guess is good.
Saturday the kids had soccer games. My W was a little late to our daughter's game because her friend was late for their run. As she told me about it, I just listened and sympathized with her about the friend being late. In the past, I would have probably cut her off and said something rude about her friend. I think she is really starting to notice this 180 (listening and validating). I've been consistent lately. In between soccer games, I was walking my W to the car where I had some water/snacks for her after her long run. As we were walking and talking, I said "I've enjoyed our time together lately." Not sure I should have said it, but I did. She said, "Yup." That answer made me laugh inside for a couple reasons, but I just continued on the conversation about something else. During our S soccer game she asked what time it was because she had to leave for work. She accidentally called me "honey" which she has doesn't in at least a month. She quickly corrected herself by saying my name instead. Again, not reading too much into it.
When my W got to work (she was covering a shift for someone) they sent her home because it was slow. She was annoyed. Again, I listened and validated. I was at the farmers market with the kids buying ingredients for pizza, so we brought home lunch from a food truck. W and I got along great the rest of the day. Before making pizza, I went for a quick 15 mile bike ride. She asked how it went when I got home which she hadn't done much of lately. One of our favorite old comedies just happened to come on after the kids were in bed, and we watched that. Lots of good laughs.
Sunday was a busy day full of getting stuff done around the house. I also squeezed in a good trail run. The kids are really enjoying the home improvements, and they love to help. The sense of accomplishment has been great for my PMA. As the day wore on, I noticed my W's mood decreasing. At one point, when the kids were outside, she stopped me in passing and said she was having a bad day. We hugged and she started to cry. When she has done this in the past few weeks, she is sad about the marriage being over. I said I was sorry she was feeling sad, and if she needed to talk about it, I was here. She said she didn't but thanked me. I didn't bring it up again. In the past, I would have asked her again later if she wanted to talk about it, or asked her how she was feeling. Another 180 I've been working on. I did give her a hug in bed when we woke up this morning. The mornings are hard for me. I just want to hold her. Not sure the hug was a good idea as she didn't hug me back. Again, trying not to read into it but maybe I should hold off on doing things like that.
We are a week or so away from telling the kids and trying to figure out how our schedules will work during the separation. She has mentioned it occasionally in the past few weeks. I tell her we need to sit down and figure it out. She says okay but doesn't push the matter. She has done a lot of this lately. Not sure if she is scared to address it, or has doubts. I just keep DBing and see where it goes.
Speaking of DBing, it has been great for me. Yes at first I started it because I wanted to save the M. GALing has been great and doing things around the house has been great for my PMA. The 180s have had a much bigger impact on me than I thought they would. Again, I started them in hopes my W would notice. The more I did them, the more they made me feel good. I am seeing my W in a way I haven't seen her in years. In a way that makes things tough, but I'm just enjoying the time we have together for now...with least expectations as possible. Its hard, but I'm getting better every week.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
I was hoping to get some more advice, but I'll just continue to use this as a journal. It seems to be helping me.
My W's main love language is Acts of Service. She has said I stopped doing things for her without her asking/nagging. So I've been doing more of this the last couple weeks as sort of a 180 I guess. Not sure if thats helping or hurting my sitch. Sometimes her thanks yous seem genuine, and other times she doesn't think me at all. I notice when she doesn't thank me, so its obvious I still have expectations. If I am going to continue to do acts of service, I need to let go of any expectations. Maybe that is the answer if I should be doing them or not? If I can do them with no expectations, then do them. If not, don't look for reasons to be disappointed.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
Hi Alf, it sounds like you have done a lot of thinking about everything, and some changes you are starting to make. As far as being there for your wife to talk to, sounds like you are on the right track and are handling things better. I think it's a good idea to offer that you are there for her if she is wanting to talk about something with you. Then, if she says no, I would back off and not ask again. If it was a problem in the past that she felt she wasn't safe talking to you, then you can prove to her now that you are there for her, just don't pressure. And, as you said, just listen and be there for her.
My H is Acts of Service as well! I would say, continue to do the acts of service, whether she comments on it or not. Even if she does not comment, she will take notice and appreciate your effort.
I am in a similar situation as you, where my H has stated he no longer loves me and I think he wants to separate. We are still living together in the same house as well, and we have 3 children. Like you, I am worried about how to act around my H, and just trying to do all of the right things, as to not aggravate things. I think giving them space if they need it is so important!
Keep at it!
M: 8 yrs T:14 Twins:7 S:5 BD:'NLILWY': Feb/2013 Mar/Apr/May: MC June: "living in limbo" Sept 12: H moves out Oct 20: reconciling Jan-Feb 2014:MC Feb 2014: separating, and H moved out.
Thanks for the support H61! It is tough living in the same house. With that said, I'm not looking forward to our separation soon. At times, things seem ok between us and I think she assumes I think things are getting better. That is not the case though. A good stretch is usually followed by her feeling sad or acting rude.
We had a good few days to finish the week, and then she was distant/rude yesterday. So I made myself scarce when she was in the house and went to bed earlier than normal. She didn't come to bed until late (1am). I left for work before she was out of bed this morning. As soon as I pulled out of the driveway she texted saying to have a good day. I didn't any initiate contact throughout the day, and I kept my responses short. She contacted me more often than normal. Part of me thinks she is doing it out of pity (I know assumptions are bad). W has always viewed me being scarce and short on words as me being upset (which was right more often than not). So she is reaching out to me because she "still cares about me". I'm not upset though. I'd say I'm annoyed with the ride.
When I try to give her space, she pulls me back in. Around and around I go. I feel like I need to get off the roller coaster at the next stop. Detaching has been tough for me. Sometimes I wonder why the heck I keep doing this.
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
When I try to give her space, she pulls me back in. Around and around I go.
Well, give her space and then don't get pulled back in. She's USED to you getting pulled back in, so expect a backlash from that non-response by you initially, and then it will settle back down.
-PM
M:12y - BD:12/11 - D:6/13 - 4Ds
"The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy." -MLK Jr.
When I try to give her space, she pulls me back in. Around and around I go.
Well, give her space and then don't get pulled back in. She's USED to you getting pulled back in, so expect a backlash from that non-response by you initially, and then it will settle back down.
-PM
Thanks for the reply, PM. I've found a lot of your posts in other threads to be educating. I admire your patience.
I think fear is still holding me up. There is a lot less than there used to be, but I think I'm scared of pushing her away. It feels good when we get a long, and think to keep that momentum going. To continue to be happy around her. But I do feel I need to try something different.
I was going to pull away more once we are separated. A couple weeks ago she was set on that happening sometime next week. There has been no more talk of it. This is typical of her (avoiding a tough conversation), so I really don't know where she stands. Should I start pulling away now?
M:34 W:36 M:10 T:15 D:9 S:5 BD:12/12 Worked on the M for 6 mo before W saying it was over 5/13.
