Still Struggling and need help #4

[CharlieBrown]

Counseling session went well. Actually ended after only 45 minutes because I think C thought he had tackled chapter 2 of reconnecting our sex lives.

The purpose of the exercise was to force the rejector to feel what it was like to be rejected, and the initiator to feel what it was like to reject. Ok and everything, but didn't have any impact on W (according to her) and not a lot on me.

Talked a lot about what we each want to see in terms of initiating, frequency, communication, etc. W blamed it on the stress of the last few months and I said "I can appreciate you saying that, but I think this has been the pattern for our whole marriage, so I am confused about this being tied to the last few months." W seems focused on saying all the right things in MC and I had to call BS on this one. But, more good discussion after. W committed to a lot of things she needs to do better and will focus on and while that would be nice, I honestly have 0% expectation. SSM is after all, what originally led to my Charlie Brown nickname...

But, good session and no, I didn't mention her ongoing fascination with tat-boy. I feel like MC has moved onto building a second story onto the house while the basement was not fully repaired, so it was tough not saying anything, but I heard what you all said.

CB

[CharlieBrown]

Our dog...

Assuming it is just my immediate family? Truthfully, I would want to jump first.

[~ kd ~]

lol, the dog! Yup, me too...

[CharlieBrown]

Ugh. Talk at MC about reigniting our sex life, MC worked with W on importance of initiating, and with me on how to ask more effectively, got the assignment that we would use last night and tonight (before we go on vacation with kids) to test these theories out. Man, I was really excited! Had a bottle of wine and cooked steaks with W, really nice night, then at about 8 W pulls me aside and tells me she just got her period and she was letting me know now so I wouldn't expect anything later. As I said, ugh. Not her fault, obviously, and I told her thanks for letting me know. Still made a point of going to bed with her so we could read in bed and fall asleep together.

Also, I had several opportunities to check her FB account last two days, but didn't. I know she is still "wrapping the warm blanket around her even though it is warmer now outside" but it tortures me more than anything and I need to be able to keep PMA.

Family vacation in t minus 23 hours...

CB

[reachingHigher]

CB,

Sounds like you are dealing well with disappointments. They are so much worse after high expectations. Do you all cuddle and are affectionate otherwise? I don't remember.

How disappointing for her to be on her cycle just before vacation. I pity you too for last night's lack of action -- but from my POV I pity her!!

There are some advantages of being on this side of 50

[CharlieBrown]

RH,

This is one thing I don't blame her for. There have been times that I have believed she was happy that she was able to say no and "run out the clock" and was almost smugly happy when she could tell me she had it. This wasn't one of those, I think she knew it would be disappointing and I thought she actually sounded disappointed as well. Not much I can do on this one...

We have been cuddling a bit more last couple months and she has been more willing to hold hands. But, I have noticed this slipping a bit last week or two, we need to keep it going.

CB

[RosaLinda]

"This is one thing I don't blame her for. There have been times that I have believed she was happy that she was able to say no and "run out the clock" and was almost smugly happy when she could tell me she had it. This wasn't one of those, I think she knew it would be disappointing and I thought she actually sounded disappointed as well. Not much I can do on this one...

We have been cuddling a bit more last couple months and she has been more willing to hold hands. But, I have noticed this slipping a bit last week or two, we need to keep it going."

How disappointing for both of you CB, I'm so sorry. Do you think that you guys will try this assignment again when when her period is done? Do you have another counseling session scheduled before then?

I'm sorry your cuddling sessions are slipping a bit, I think cuddling is important for most women. Sometimes I just long for my H to envelope me in a big bear hug like he used to

[CharlieBrown]

Been a week since my last post.

I called our MC last Tuesday and told him I knew W was still going on tat-boy's fb page 10-15 times/day and obsession was larger than when I let on in MC session. Asked him whether to bring up to her and he said he didn't have an anwer, I needed to decide. He asked me how I knew and I said from snooping and he said "ahhhh, so you are both being sneaky, not just her." Yes, and I thought about that quite a bit.

Last Wednesday night, I couldn't leave well enough alone. We were having a nice dinner, night before leaving for vacation and I asked her about whether she was still looking up tat-boy on FB and Twit. I tried to say it lovingly, that I realized this was a major "warm-blanket" for her for months and that if she was, I would want to know so we could be open with each other. She said "not really, maybe a couple times" and I asked again a few different ways. At some point, she started to push back on the "how do you know this" and "I am creeped out by this" and more. Didn't go well, safe to say. That night, I told her before bed that I would let it go and tell her if I checked anymore but would like her to tell me if she is still going to his site. Didn't sleep much that night and the next morning I gave her a big hug and told her I loved her. She smugly said, "what was that for, something you want to tell me?" and I said, "I want to move forward and focus on us."

We left that day for vacation. Long driving trip to Black Hills. That much time in the car could have been trouble, but we had a nice trip. I felt like W and I really connected, until a couple days ago. Not sure what it is, but she seems like pre-BD. No MC session this week and we are very busy next few days, then I go to Boy Scout camp for a few days with S12 on Sunday.

I haven't checked her FB for well over a week or snooped at all. Easily could have on trip, but I am going to honor my word.

CB

[reachingHigher]

CB,

I'm glad to hear what's been going on, even tho it's still a struggle. It's so good you had a good vacation.

I know the felt need to know what is going on. It seems so unfair to be in the dark all of the time.

Coming back from vacation always has its challenges. When you're away the troubles can often stay at home. So whatever triggers your W has may be there once again.

I'm sure she will warm up to you here again shortly.

FB has been the source of much grief for me. But in some ways I was glad to know some things that went on. It was just impossible for my heart to detach from grief about it.

I'm glad you have been able to stay off of it. Looking at it never helps with PMA.

[TSquared2]

Hi CB, I am glad the vacation went okay, and they do vacillate, my W has seemed pre-/post- BD so many times I gave up counting, so just accept it as it is and deal with how she is at the moment, while keeping your over-all game plan firmly in mind.

When we snoop, we "give off" non-verablly (and also verbally) that we know something...we can't hide it, especially from our spouses who know us so well. That is why we are advised to not snoop, doesn't help the sitch, doesn't help us show our improved selves, and doesn't help US at all. Tough, I know...

Me being a natural detective/researcher and computer nerd has been a real challenge to keep my nose where it belongs...in MY business. But it has also helped keep me standing, and I feel better about myself for having not snooped (once I quit back in Dec 2011). I even built her her own computer so she would stay off the boys' computers and leave trails....(when one of her cyber-flings IM'd her (she left the IM program running), when S3 and I were working on it, with some rather X-rated stuff, that was when I decided to build her her own computer, the boys did NOT need to see this stuff).

Of course, W has a habit of leaving notes and stuff laying about on the kitchen table, the counters, mixed with day-to-day things (groceries needed, etc)and her inner thoughts/activities...ugh. So many accidental discoveries...anyway...you will feel better not snooping once you get used to it, and being true to your word is something that no one can give us but ourselves...

Hang in there!

T^2