Maybe this is a better place for me

[shelly_shore]

It was nearing the century mark, and, dare I say it, I don't think we're exactly piecing anymore. We're here and I don't think either of us is going anywhere.

How long since he ended his infidelity exactly?

Everything is a trigger. Everything. My car. My work. My master's degree. My child. Adele. California. Planes. Brunches. Pregnancy. Some are less offensive than others. Some are known and expected, others are complete slaps in the face.

You have PTSD, most victims of infidelity will experience this for several years after the traumatizing betrayal occurs. It will fade in time, depending on how hard you and your spouse work to resolve the trust issues he and OP created in your home.

There are ways to make the process more effective, and other things a spouse may do that can derail the process completely (like contacting OP again).

It's PTSD my dear, plain and simple as that. Not to trivialize it, I put my husband through it, I see it every day and work to help him through it. You are gonna get a different perspective from me here, I am the cheater in my household. But I've been working hard to resolve that as best I can. Posting here is part of that.

I honestly don't know if I would have stayed if I knew just how much work this would be on the other side. And honestly, I'm just too f-ing stubborn to jump ship at this point. He's worked too hard. I've worked too hard. He is an excellent father, and I seriously doubt I would every find someone who is willing to work this hard to mend such a huge f-up.

The thing you aren't realizing is that leaving is just as much work. Building trust with someone else NEW is NOT going to be easy either. Particularly after betrayals that aren't resolved, building trust again can be near impossible.

Working with your spouse to resolve the betrayals is likely LESS work than rebuilding fresh. Don't assume walking out is going to put a stop to the anxiety you are experiencing. Don't assume having a relationship fresh with someone new will put a stop to the constant looking over your shoulder. It doesnt'.

Does that mean I'm happy?

That's not the goal right now.

I don't know. Some days I think I am. Other days I literally can't feel my hands and feet because I am still so enraged.

Anxiety does that. The side effect of PTSD is anxiety, as well as other problems, hyper vigilance for example, as well as periodic flashbacks that set off a panic attack or two.

I graduated with my master's in December. I walked this past week. I went to the ceremony alone ahead of my family members because I had to be there early for to pick up my regalia. I cried the whole way to the ceremony in my car.

PTSD. It's not rocket science, it's PTSD.

My child turned two this past month. While also stubborn (hey, comes by it honestly), she really is a wonderful child. I love being a mother. She is the only thing preventing me from doing something extremely illegal.

Such as?

I want more children and soon. But this trauma is blocking me.

I even had my IUD removed. I'm not playing any games. H has wanted a 2nd child longer than I have at this point. It's not the prospect of another child that scares me.

It's being pregnant.

At this point I do NOT reccomend it. You are nowhere near ready for that kind of commitment again. Adding a pregnancy and a child into a recovery process may just derail the whole thing. I get there's a time crunch. But you are quite young and have time yet. I do NOT reccomend you working on a child together right now. You two have a lot to resolve yet. Your anxiety is a clear indicator that there's a lot of work to be done yet before you can trust him enough to share another child with him. Patience is essential here.

It literally sends me into a murderous rage where my throat tightens up and I become numb all over except for my chest which feels like it will explode. I cannot form words because my mind is racing too fast.

Yes, this is a classic panic attack.

H is doing all he can, really. He's going to IC and couples. He tries to come home at a consistent time nightly, and when he doesn't he's got good communication. He's better about not becoming irritated when I get into these... moods. He just apologizes and tries to talk me out of the crazy.

My mind hasn't been going to the "I need to make this all end. Now." place. So that's a positive.

What else is he doing? Is he sitting with you each night, affirming his full commitment to you, holding you to comfort you, to reassure you that he is workign to become fully committed again?

Don't believe he is, you can't cheat for months and months and then just flip a commitment switch back to your spouse anymore than YOU can. He may want to be committed, but he really needs to work a lot more before he can say that with 100% confidence.

In fact, if anything, it goes there less often since coming off of the ADs. Weird.

AD's are a dice throw for most people and highly unpredictable. They may stabilize extreemes, but there are a lot of unknowns you have to find out during day to day usage.

Maybe this is so hard right now, this week, because my master's came to it's final close. Maybe it's because I knew this was the first feasible month we would be trying to conceive. Maybe because work is ending in 2 days, and I will have all my summer alone with my (crazy) thoughts.

Life stressors in general are going to make you vulnerable to increased anxiety and panic attacks. This takes time to recover from. Time and hard work from both of you.

I don't want this black spot to define my life. I don't want to not have more children because of it. I don't want to be scarred forever for 9 months of insanity.

That's a great start. But you need to slow down. You cannot hurry re-commitment. That's something you two build, over time, with care and a LOT of patience.

I still want to murder that b!tch.

Yup, that likely won't ever go away. But the constant instinct to think about that needs time and hard work to put it into the background. It's clear from your post that this is still very much in the foreground of your thoughts.

You cannot rush true commitment between partners. That's built over time. Partners in infidelity try to rush, and look what happens?

Do NOT emulate that, do the opposite, take time, care, and patience to rebuild a loving commitment slowly.