Pushing Forward 2

[jp787]

W asked this question before (About kissing) and I said I would think about it and try to find an answer.

Text Conversation from last night.

W: Did you ever figure why you stopped kissing me or having the desire 2 touch me, or y u didn't have the need or want 2 say I love u? Sorry just curious.

M: This wont make sense and I am not sure how to expand on it, but some kind of fear, insecurity.

W: Ur right... it doesn't make sense but I guess it really isn't 4 me 2 understand. Thanks for trying.

M: You have every right to understand W.

W: I would like 2, but I know that there are some things about me that u will prob never fully understand so I would think there are those things about u that I wont.

M: I promise you this W, as I come to understand why I will explain it to you. I am not fully sure why. I do know that it makes me sad and very angry that I was like that.

W: I know JP and I try not 2 ask so it doesn't hurt u. Just curious. Looking for that answer inside myself that I didn't do anything wrong, just cant seem to get there.

M: First, please ask anything anytime W. I will try to answer you the best that I can. Second... please, please don't think it was anything that you did or did not do. Dear God W it was me.

M: I so wish I could take that feeling away from you W. You don't deserve to carry that at all.

W: Its just hard not 2 not. If I would have done this...Or tried this...Or looked better...Or wasn't so much like his mother than he wouldn't have been turned away from my *crotch...If I...If I...

W: I wish I could give it 2 u JP but I have 2 find a way 2 be ok or at peace with it myself.

M: I don't like that I placed that on you and I do understand that you are the only one who can do anything with those thoughts, memories.

M: I hope that you can get to a place that you know it was me and not you.

W: Did you see the "what ifs" text? I hope I can also JP. I think it would haunt me forever if I dont.

M: Yes I did. I am sorry you felt that way. I feel responsible.

W: I put myself there JP.

M: Thank you for asking W. If all I can do is to listen and try to answer your question than that is what I will do. I wish there was more I could do. I wish I could take your pain away. I know I can't. Thank you for asking the questions W, really.

W: Thanks for giving me an honest answer JP. I know u r struggling with the pain and shame of it all. I so want u 2 know that I don't hate u, I never have. I have never thought of u as a monster as u call yourself. I am trying 2 seek answers and acceptance JP... from others and myself.I feel horrible for what I have done 2 u or how I was 2 u over the years. It definitely is weird what people will do 2 each other.

M: Thank you and yes it certainly is.

W: Yep. OK I am going 2 go 2 sleep now. Thanks 4 chatting JP. I hope u sleep well and I hope I havent set u up for 2 many more thoughts that will keep you up. Sorry if I did. Goodnight **Pet name.

M: I hope your legs feel better and that you get a good nights sleep. Anytime on the chatting W. Night.

W: Thanks. Night.

*Not too long before the BD I would not touch her crotch area and she asked why. After many times of asking, I said it may be because it makes me think of my mother. I dont know if there was any truth to that, I was questioning why I was not interested in her at all and wondering if something had happened to me with my mother or if she just reminded me of her or IDK. I felt pressured into finding an answer and that is what it was. That answer was a huge error as it has stuck in her head and rightfully so. It amazes me that less than a year ago I didn't want to have anything to do with my W. After the BD, that instant that I knew it was real, I woke up, idk how else to put it. It was truly an awakening. Anyways...

**She called my by a pet name that she has not used since before BD. I so badly wanted to say it back, yet I didn't.


I ask that some of you read and give me suggestions based on the conversation content and based on the dance of how we talk.

Thank you.

JP